Escape in Current Events

Exercising has been a form of escapism for me. Especially since I lost my job. This morning I was out the door for a run within an hour of waking up, which is unusual for me. I started to have an anxiety attack just moments into it. I was already in fight or flight mode so I just went full send. Had I not encountered a standoff with a flock of geese and their goslings I don’t know how far I would have gone before I noticed that I was on planet earth. I don’t know where my mind was. I can’t explain it but it was like I was having a slight out of body experience.

With all that adrenaline still in my body, I worked out for about four more hours when I got home. With all the working out that I do I realized the other day that I am not actually that strong. I am wanting to learn basic callisthenic movements but I do not have the strength to sustain myself in a lot of things. I can’t hold myself in a handstand or a dip nor can I even hang from a pull-up bar. I couldn’t even hold myself in a deep squat. My hip flexors are pretty weak too. I need to be more flexible and I haven’t been doing any explosive exercises so I started to train myself to sprint today. Man, my body felt so good after sprinting. I made sure that I knew how to do that with proper form and my whole pelvic area was just in a good mood. (Minds out of the gutter y’all)

I did post a recent selfie in my last entry but I deleted it as soon as I remembered that I do not have self-esteem. Not since 2017. My relationship with Instagram is getting pretty toxic which is pretty sad considering I only have two posts and I only follow 9 people. One of those people is an underwear model that is living in a fairytale. His name is Scott Gardner, he just got married to an older man, I don’t know what he does for a living but he is filthy rich and spoils the fuck out of his young husband. I feel half smitten for him but half jealous because I wish that I had a face and body as good as his. I’ll post a video of one of his shoots. He’s too serious to watch with a straight face sometimes but that is because he is not that serious on IG. He actually really loves to smile and has a lot to smile about when he is not crying about his modelling agencies constantly trying to pimp him out to their clients. He deleted all his risqué content right after he got married, that was over half of his IG right there. God, I’m such a stalker. I need a life.