well fuk. in 2018

so i didn’t see ryan [or whatever the hell his name is] last night. not like we made plans or anything i mean i barely even know the guy. i just. i like the kindof person he is. from my observations. but it would’ve been nice to run into him. those eyes. i. the first night we talked did that really happen? cause things like that don’t happen to me all that often. and that moment. when during our conversation he looked at me like i was the. most important person there..........i remember the proximity but i. don’t remember what i was talking about or even if. i was talking about something. maybe that’s bc. to him i was. i knew someone in boarding school like that. jason. he was nice. i think Pat was like that too.
so I recently. told a blogger on here who’s also on fb. about my um mental condition. and she was really really cool about it. i. wow.
it’s been a long fukin wk. long wk. um. god. so my depression is hitting pretty damn hard. thurs. night. so my mom & i were talking about something [actually it has to do w/ me being in services and requirements and my lack of responsibility] uh. and due to how she came across. i think. as a result of that that’s. why my depression is this way. right now i’m need a bit more time to process all. of that. it’s more like. i’m so damn emotional and i cry. a lot actually as of late. i’m tired. have not much energy. and the motivation is yeah. what motivation? I’ve had chai which i love but it’s really. hard to feel good about that right now. also it contains caffeine which um. helps w/............energy. i’m having a harder time then usual thinking. focusing. it’s like back when i had the flu a little over 6 yrs. ago. like that took so. much. out of me.
so thurs. was a really bizarre night. more bizarre then i’ve had in a long time. well. not that i usually have bizarre nights so. i was really tired for one which. so that was probably a factor. and i depersonalised for quite a bit...........talked in metaphors on twitter.............
oh so. my depression makes perfect sense to me. my brain chemistry regarding that. makes sense. and here’s a somewhat new thing: i didn’t understand why, neurologically, people w/o. depression care so easily. whereas i don’t. i’m passionate about a few things just not myself. um and i wanted. to know why that was. cause to me it seemed like they were missing an ingredient, as it were. they didn’t have all the ingredients to bake the muffins. [well. not actual muffins.]. no and i use ‘muffins’ in the. figureitive way since. i have experience baking actual. muffins. well so. for people w/o depression. their temporal lobe according to brain scans. i saw in a video online. is lit up. and that’s the part that has to do w/ um. emotions and i think. caring is an emotion. yeah that’s the part. that’s not lit up w/ people who have depression. and it doesn’t like match. how my brain is but it helps me to understand. i’m a bit less frustrated yeah. so. now that i know that. um. the ingredient they’re missing is the darkness the literal darkness. the part that doesn’t light up. and i’m not saying that’s bad. no it’s just different. like i have hazel eyes some people have blue eyes and neither is bad. just different. but in actuality. some people might think that. people w/ depression are the ones missing something. the brightness. no no we have it. it’s just not lit. activated.
btw. no i’m not on meds.
get up, survive, go back to bed.
this is my reality right now. er currently that is. and i won’t stop talking about it. on here twitter other places. um. no cause i’ve learned. that’s one of the worst things a person in this situation can do.

i don’t paint dreams or fantasy i paint my own reality - frida