New To The Family in meh...

Spending so much time now with my dad’s side of the family, the siblings and everyone, I still feel sort of…out of place.

I’m doing more with them, I’m interacting. Doing what I can in the role of big sister, older daughter, but I still feel out of place. I didn’t grow up with them totally, but I was in and out. they all grew up together, had established relationships, bonded, and know each other and the parents well. I still can’t have a conversation with my dad because I don’t know what to talk to him about.

I feel like…I’m a little kid adjusting. The only other family relationship that means the world to me is the the one with my mother. And my children and grandchildren of course. I want my grandchildren to know who their family is. My son doesn’t know anyone for real but I’m trying to remedy that. But that’s neither here nor there.

I often feel on the outside looking in, hanging around until someone talks to me. Take the last night of revival last week. I was pretty much the coat bearer and bodyguard for my dad, where usually, it would be me and my sister KT watching after both he and my stepmother (her mom). Side note: When I say bodyguard and watching after them, they are our parents. My dad is 72. I think MomM is about to be 60 or something. We’re just making sure they get in the car have all of their things and pull off. That’s it. Anyway, now that I’m around (back home, as I like to say) I get introduced a lot more. “You know this is one of my older daughters?” Then they see the resemblance because, I’m the spitting image of my dad in his younger days. Or the siblings say, “This is our sister. One of our older sisters.” Since my adopted sister doesn’t act like the oldest, I feel like I need to jump into that role.

I’m around and I’m there for my siblings. When I’m asked to do something I will and I help out where I’m needed. I don’t want to feel like I’m looking for approval, but, I kind of do feel that way. Like I want to be noticed and not passed up because I’ve not always been around. I also understand that because of this, no one KNOWS me or is able to trust me to call on me for things. I don’t like to be reactionary, but that’s what it feels like I am. Or, I don’t want to have to jump in someone’s face like, look at me I’ll do it.

At any rate, that’s where I am now.
Something happened with my baby sister/birthday twin on Sunday and I’m just trying to be there for her while giving her time and space. Letting her know I love her without pestering her. I jumped in and helped where I could. With this and even going to revival and being around daddy all the time… I still feel like an outsider.

Bless my brother’s heart. I tell him I missed out on so much stuff with them and he says, NO. We missed out on YOU! I love him so much.

But that’s about it. I got other stuff on my mind that I’m working and praying through. ::shrugs::

Take care of yourselves and others.

Kindest regards,
Sister