Fed Up... in Life as I know it...

I am so fucking fed-up with life right now. I cannot keep going on like this nor do I want to. If we don't open this week so that I can start working again, I am just going to take everything I have, sell it and fuck off somewhere far away. I can't keep pushing all these emotions aside anymore, I can't keep being attacked and tortured by all these images anymore. This life has lost any and all of it's meaning to me. I have been soldiering on for years and I have had ENOUGH!!

I had 4 vials of blood sucked out of me today to do some more blood tests and whatever the fuck else, I refused to let myself do any exercise due to my body being absolutely fucked and exhausted. That's how I deal with my anger, loneliness, sadness, pain, frustration and anxiety, I train to the point when I collapse on the floor, and for those few brief minutes, my mind is empty. No memories, no fears, no regrets, no sadness, no loneliness, no pain, just quiet. I am scared that I might start having suicidal thoughts again, but then again, I don't really want to live this life in the first place. I don't want to overdose on all my medication again, that sucked. It was fucking horrible. I remember Joanne just sitting on the couch where I was laying, hearing her say "I love you" over and over in between sobs. I was completely out of it and I managed to whisper the same back to her while the ambulance was on it's way.

Diva is on heat again. When she is on heat the next time, I will have to decide whether I want to breed with her or have her spayed. My dad and stepmom would like to breed with her, but I am scared that she will get hurt or that something will happen, but on the other hand I am also scared that she will get hurt if I have her spayed. This beautiful little creature is the only form of love, affection and closeness I have. I love her with all my heart and I don't want her to get hurt. If anything were to happen to her, I don't know what I would do. I think my heart might just break in half.

Guess I should try to get some sleep. I've been playing episodes of The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross in the background while I go to sleep. He makes me feel calm, safe and even happy at times. Much better than any ASMR I've ever heard or experienced. He must have been such a great father. Nighty Night.

Adriaan.