Chemistry and connection rambling in Vulnerability

Things have been really good. I mean, I guess they’d have to be given exactly how sick I was. It’s almost like life is balancing itself out and given me a week of highs to counteract the down-and-out weeks I had, and I don’t wanna get too cocky, because I like this feeling.

It’s probably been helped that I’ve been to gym every day since being well enough to. The whole ‘do a little but don’t stay long’ approach has been working well so far. I don’t feel like I need to spend 1 to 1.5 hours at a time in the gym every two days, and going each day gets me out of the apartment, which is good. The fresh air. The water I drink at the gym. The workouts themselves. All good things. And I’ve been feeling pretty great because of it.
I’ve also started working out my ass, and I can feel it, so it’s doing something. I look at the trap-bar, but there’s always people around and I’d just feel so self-conscious using it, especially since I don’t know what I’m doing. They never showed us that one during my course back in 2012! They did teach us deadlifts, but even that I always had struggle understanding. Having said that, I did sit on a piece of equipment and watch one guy who was doing them. Chest out, shoulders back, bum out, hips forward. Should be easy. But when I do it, I just feel stupid still. I want to try out both the deadlift and the trap-bar, but I’d rather do it when only the cameras are around lol.
I have, however, started using kettle-bells! I watched and re-watched a fitness chick on Youtube doing them over and over until I felt I would have a go. She’s adamant that they are her favourite ass-exercise to do of the four she was showing us. And her ass looked great. Like, if I were a straight guy, I’d probably be having a bat over it. Instead, there I was, mentally taking notes lol.
And then I tried it, and it’s actually quite enjoyable. The kettle-bells in the city gym are brightly coloured according to weight, so that probably helps as well. I’m currently using the bright yellow ones, which I think are 16kg. It seems like a good but tough enough weight for me. I was over going all the way overhead with them on one occasion. It’s funny because it seems like you could easily whack yourself in the gonads while using them, but the hips spread with the swing almost naturally. I should film myself or do it in front of the mirror to see exactly how it looks (or how dumb I look). The ceiling is just high enough for me to swing them overhead even with my tall height, so that’s good.
I’m also doing core every day also, which is tough but good. It’s been one my my priorities to concentrate on it all. I’ve also been looking for more practical ways of doing that too. Sit-ups have always been the way of doing stable core work but I was reading something about how the army and navy have even done away with them because during a sit-up, you have your spine flat on the floor and the spine naturally is suppose to remain curved. I always had issues with it too and tend to do my sit-ups whilst sitting on an exercise ball, namely because it’s a million times more comfortable on my tailbone, and seemed to be just as difficult, plus I could get a better range of motion during the movement. But this article I read recommended planking. Now I HATE planking and I totally suck at it, but it’s what I’m trying again at the moment. The worst part about planking for me isn’t the plank itself, but the pressure on my elbows, so I always fold up and tuck my towel under them, which seems to do the trick. I wish there was like a gel-holder or something for that purpose. Anyway, I hold that for 30 seconds at a time, which doesn’t seem like much but man, it’s all I can do right now. It’s really telling me how bad my core is and reminding me why I need to do it.
Anyway, point is, right now I’m enjoying it. And I’m feeling good because of it, mentally and physically. I’m so glad I don’t have DOMS anymore. I do a little bit in the ass exercises because they are new to me.

Ryan is in NYC at the moment and send me videos of some guy fucking him. Looked really fit and was hung as a horse. So I see he’s having fun over there. Then he has a go at ME because I don’t fuck like that guy does, and I need to ‘up my game’.
Anyway, so we had a little argument over that and I told him to move to New York then lol. Ryan knows that I rarely ever have anal sex and he thinks I’m weird because of that. He says I’m “wasting my asset”.
Considering I DO fuck him when I’m there, he’s being a little bossy bitch, which is nothing unusual.
I just told him that I prefer oral sex and that I just know what I like. Why would I deny that? All my fantasies, all the porn I watch, they all involve oral sex. Rarely do they move to anal sex unless everything else isn’t doing it for me lol.
And to be honest, as hot of an ass as Ryan does have, AND as good looking as he is, I just don’t feel we’re a very good match chemically/sexually, you know what I mean? The entire time when I’m fucking him, he’s making these fake porn-star moans and talking dirty and I know it’s meant to be a turn ON but for me it’s actually a turn OFF LOL.
Out of all the times I’ve fucked him, I can remember one ONE occasion where I finished inside him. I think that says a lot, right? If it’s not happening naturally, it shouldn’t be happening at all, right?

And I kept thinking about chemistry and connections with guys during my walk today. Because I spend so much time with my own company, my mind is always running a million miles an hour. It’s just been a lot more under control because of the gym, I’m sure of it.
Anyway, I was thinking about how bloody ultra-rare it is that I DO have a natural connection with a guy. Like, I know I’ve been single for something like 12 years (I dunno, I lost count) but it’s never been a big deal to me because I’m just so independent and hate spending too much time around people. Having some one around 24/7 would be a HUGE adjustment for me and totally put me out of my comfort zone. I mean, I dated Luke for God’s sake and he was physically stunning and even with him I always felt that I had to get away.
So the thoughts about having pretty much never had a ‘natural connection’ with a guy were at the forefront of my mind today. Like, if I naturally just got along with a guy without having to force anything or be nervous or self-conscious would ACTUALLY happen, then maybe I would have a different approach to relationships. But… they just DON’T! EVER. Not in my life anyway. I understand compromise and differences and all that jazz, but man, I just look at myself and see a complete black sheep among all the white ones. And that’s not a bad thing. But where are all the other black sheep kept? Why don’t I even seem to observe them in a paddock driving past?
Surely someone like that would be someone I’d be naturally attracted to, right?
Or do opposites really attract? Man, that seems like a world away for me, for me to go for a complete opposite. Like I certainly can’t see myself ever fucking a bear, or a daddy, let alone dating one. “Naturally”, I know what my type is that I go for in my head, so I was on Grindr last night for the first time in ages and I just found zero interest in most of the profiles. There was maybe one or two that appealed to me. And that’s how Grindr always is for me. I hold out for that 1% or 2% profile that appeals to me, and then even when that happens, they have to find me appealing as well. Man, certainly makes the odds low lol. And that’s just hooking up!
let alone them finding out immediately how boring and introverted I am. I’m such a catch!

Anyway, I’m rambling and probably not making a lot of sense.

We have a Liberal government still. The result surprised me to be honest. I don’t like the Liberals but I do like our border security, so I’m focusing on the positives. I was looking up how to become a New Zealand citizen on my way home from gym one night haha. It was actually pretty fascinating and seemed difficult until I got to the part that says, “Be an Australian Citizen’. It’s that easy for Aussies to be granted a residency visa. And then after 5 years, you can apply for citizenship. I mean, how cool would it be to have Jacinta Ardern as a PM? Not this dickhead.

And I watched Eurovision! Got up early and all that jazz as usual. The result still wasn’t announced by the time I had to head to work, so I watched it on my phone the entire way in. Thank God for technology. To think I was in that crowd this time last year. It seems so long ago, and yet it doesn’t. Time just seems to fly. That fact that it’ll be 2020 next year is like whoa, it’s been 20 fucking years since the year 2000 and Y2K passed us by.

I also had a good work-week, quite busy and productive, so that’s always good. I was asked if I wanted to do another 4-hour shift today, but I turned it down. Instead I went to my favourite cafe, where they yet again gave me a free coffee. I’m starting to think it’s a clever business model where they just add the price of the coffee into the meal I order, but it’s the same price as the menu I’m pretty sure. Still, not saying no to the frequently high amount of free coffees. Part of me thinks I may have been accidentally given a staff card, I dunno.