Fuck You Embryo in Inside My Head

I may have an ectopic pregnancy. My beta went from 66 to 54.7 to 140.7 within a week. I was excited when my beta rose this morning -- I thought maybe the first one was a fluke or a lab error. When the nurse called me to tell me fluctuating beta levels are usually consistent with ectopic pregnancies, my heart dropped. That phrase in no way accurately portrays how I feel, but it's the only thing I can think of at the moment.

I have to go back to the office on Wednesday to do another beta and another repeat ultrasound. They didn't see anything on my ultrasound today, but didn't really expect to since the betas are still pretty low. If the beta doesn't rise appropriately or it plateaus they will be giving me a methotrexate shot. As someone who has had a medical abortion before, I cannot quite describe how terrifying it is (aside from losing this pregnancy). It's like undulating waves of pain that rack your body for hours accompanied by hours and days of heavy vaginal bleeding. However this is preferred because I get to keep my fallopian tube. as an additional negative, methotrexate is a bad ass drug (pregnancy category D) and it stays in your system for three months, so my earliest IVF would be June or July.

My other option is to go to the OR and have them remove my fallopian tube, along with the pregnancy. This may happen anyway because in some cases apparently, the methotrexate shot doesn't work. So now I'll have endometriosis, an ovulation dysfunction, and one tube.

I had the first appointment with RMA-NJ today. I'm really glad I came to them. Dr. Ziegler is nice enough, but I have several issues with him. One, during my procedure he ended up perforating my uterus and it become a laparoscopy which cost me a month of healing time. As a neurosurgery physician assistant I am fully aware that all surgeries carry risks, but when one of those potential risks actually occurs to you, you become wary about going back to that surgeon. It may not be fair, but that's how I feel. Next, he put me on Clomid which I had a bad feeling about; in PCOS patients Clomid provides some benefit, but IUI plus Clomid is generally a waste of time for endometriosis patients. Also, his IVF success rates aren't great. Not bad, but not great.RMA NJ is one of the best in the tri-state area and if I have to go back to the OR, at least I'm not going back with Ziegler. I still want to cry though. I did actually, for the better part of the day.

I'm afraid of dying. Ruptured ectopic pregnancies carry a fairly high mortality risk. At 33, Michael can be a widow. He doesn't even know about the pregnancy yet. When I first found out last Wednesday that I was pregnant, I was going to surprise him by showing him my positive pregnancy test. I'm not sure whether I want to laugh or cry at my optimism last week.

I called my big sister Becca once I found out. I'm home alone and I didn't know what to do (Nice day off huh?). She was truly great. She told me that I was in limbo and to try and stay calm. The pregnancy may not be ectopic; it may not be viable, but it may not be ectopic. She assured me that I would not die; it's very early into the pregnancy and I'm being monitored closely. She told me what a wonderful person I was, and that this is not punishment for getting a medical abortion six years ago. I don't necessarily agree that I am a good person and that this is not God/a higher power punishing me, but it was nice to hear regardless. She even told me that she 'was available for any body parts that I may need if it came down to that.' I tried explaining to her what an egg retrieval entails, but she said "For you? Absolutely. Without hesitation.' I can't explain to you how strongly I want to run to Long Island and give her a huge hug.

So instead of going out to dinner and having a fun date with Michael, I get to break the news to him that my reproductive system is broken. I am broken.