Title pretty much says it all. Today has been hard.
Sometimes I really don't know what I'm doing or why. If that sounds pathetic, don't worry, you're not in bad company thinking thus. I do.
I just want to feel like I'm getting out of life what I put into it. I put so much effort in. Trying to be better, think better, be more intelligent, live a better life. The rewards are always promised to be coming. They never do.
I hate the principle of religion because it only offers solace after you die but sometimes I feel like life goes much the same way. You are promised that if you make the right choices you'll be rewarded. An education; a career; a house; a life worth everything. Well I've done that and, believe me, it's hogwash. I'm intelligent and driven. I'm a good person. I'm a writer and poet. I am so many things that I should take pride in but some days it just feels like I can't. I'm not even sure why.
I'm 32 years old. Last year was one of the best years of my life. I am determined to make this year better. How is it that last year it came so easily and this year so hard? I'm better than I was last year. I've come to terms with aspects of my personality I'd repressed. I've developed new insights into what I want. I am a better person. So why is this being so difficult?
Just stared at that last question for close to a full ten minutes, hoping I'd come up with an answer. There isn't one. I guess I just need to marshall my strength and accept that my mind will occasionally do stuff life this to me. I'd say I want a new mind but the rest of it is pretty cool so I guess I'll have to accept that it has the occasional problem.
Nonetheless I could really do with things being easy for a bit. I hoped that time away from Newcastle would be time away from myself but the problem is whereever I go, it turns out I'm there waiting for me. On the plus side it helps me deal with stuff. On the negative side it often means I have to deal with stuff.
Guess, when it comes down to it, I'm just lonely. But at least I'm honest about my loneliness.
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