it's been awhile. i'm sober. and lonely. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

well it hasn’t been that long. no i mean since i’ve written about anything that’s going on w/ me. this is a bit long winded btw. mentions abortion.
so. i’m sober. and lonely. and i was doin the email thing awhile w/ this guy from CL who’d replied to an ad i’d written. if things get too uncomfortable i’ll stop. i’ve done that before. even w/ people i know and i get angry. yeah i recently did that regarding a conv. jacob & i were having on fb. i was a bit angry about something he’d said in response to something i’d told him and i was ‘and ya know what? i............i’m sorry i. just need time not sure how much’. so i almost went to. that level. anyway. yeah so the guy who’d replied to the ad. he seems nice. we’re not planning to get together. no um i was just. so last night this guy [not the CL guy. the other dude] sat next to me on the bench outside walgreen’s. he was nice. at first i wasn’t sure what his angle was. but once i realised oh so. we’re literally just going to have a conversation. i was like ok cool. at one point. he looked at me like i was. the most important person there. i’ve known a few people like that. We had a perfectly nice. neutral conversation about the weather. not much else. neither one of us invited the other anywhere which. 1 thank god and 2. was fine. or asked about each other’s situations.
so. last night i posted an ad. just, publically thanking him. for doing that. on CL i mean. i hope to see him again. i hope i do but either way. it was weird. that he came across as caring as he did since well. i didn’t grow up like that. he’s ‘you’re all kinds of bundled up and it’s not even that cold’ but not like. he was annoyed just. as an observation. not judgemental or anything. i feel like his name is ‘Ryan’. i don’t know neither of us asked, the other. he just sat down next to me and ‘how you doin?’ ‘i’m ok’ and then waited. people confuse me cause i’m not always sure of their angle. yeah in the future...........it could be a setup. but maybe not. nothing came across that way. i might start a story about him. that way. you know he can be whoever i think of him as being. but in that moment. during that time. i enjoyed it. our conversation. he was just sort of ‘well might as well talk to you cause i’d just gone to the store and oh wow that’s exciting’. he had long dark hair dark eyes. other then that time he looked at me. we didn’t look at each other and actually. it’s easier, for me sometimes to talk when i do that.
my depression actually has gotten a bit worse due to the weather. yeah so last night we talked about the weather like i said. and one of the things he told me was ‘be safe and be prepared for tom. and sun.’. and this guy who i think might be about 20. he doesn’t even know me and he said that. and honestly. it’s a little bit uncomfortable. but that’s not a him thing that’s just. how i am in general. maybe he knew/knows a woman who’s had...........been. um hurt, sexually in the way i have i have no idea. no like. never. has a guy just like. sat down on the bench at walgreen’s. and started a conversation w/ me w/o anything else happening. no usually it’s the ladies who ask. so. yeah. oh so he was ‘waiting for your ride i’m guessing?’ ‘yeah’. like what gave it away? he, left before my ride had gotten there and maybe it’s for the better.
i. haven’t had much to drink in a few days. which to a woman who drinks near every night. is a lot. so. idinno. i’ve been having a setback...........tbi. like well damnit. so it was just. a really good experience last night even though. i was uncomfortable not. not at the moment but looking back. bc. he came off as like. genuine. and caring.
abortion is. well firstoff i’ve never had one. as i’ve never been pregnant so therefore. i don’t, agree w/ it as i don’t think it’s the only option. but i’m also. sure as hell not going to tell another woman what to do w/ her body. yes exactly. bc it’s not my body. they’re not my reproductive organs. that’s right i said it. no why the fuk would i when i’ve been raped? at 17, 24 and 25. and the reason the criminalization of it in at least 2 states now angers me so much is bc. i know what it’s like. to not feel like your body is your own. bc mine wasn’t. i think. maybe. the reason it doesn’t seem ok to talk about. is bc it’s seen that way. like yeah i think for those who have, it’s hard. to talk about. No fuk it’s like in bros. grimm. they could mention suicide. body parts being cut off. princes being blinded. death. cannibalism. but god no sexual violence was not mentioned. ever. ok and sexual violence of course is awful. i. hate what happened to me. so much and i’m so fukin angry. as i should be. well. i feel like. bc it’s been mentioned in the news so much. it’s ok to talk about. i hope. that some of the women who have had abortions. don’t feel shunned. and that’s not all they are. It’s a big part of their life. i don’t ever want any woman to feel like that. The concept of abortion is somewhat new to me. not like how it happens or anything. but just. the topic itself. apparently a lot of ladies have. had them. oh so bc we have the uh. parts to reproduce. and then some as a result of sex. violence become pregnant. and then decide to have. an abortion. right now that’s seen as a felony bc. oh right like it’s our fault our bodies are designed this way. when having children is something for, a lot of us we um. biologically i suppose and er scientifically. when that is something. our bodies prepare for every month. ok well making abortion is a felony is frankly pretty damn insulting to that. indirectly. Right so bc i’m a woman were i ever to fall pregnant and i lived. in those 2 states in the south and hypothetically. had, an abortion. so now that’s a felony. just bc i’m a woman. yeah no. and apparently. in argentina where, presumably it’s illegal. some, women die from it. which is really sad. Make it legal and make it secure. i don’t agree w/ it. w/, abortion. but. i for some reason also. don’t want anyone else ending up like those argintinean women. no........i also. don’t think a woman should be forced, to have one. or to not have one. The only reason. any of us are here. was bc a woman [or in some cases a girl unfortunately] didn’t. have an abortion. No and i’m just pointing that out as a fact.
it’s not just a woman’s issue. it’s everyone’s issue. and for me. it’s not about the actual physical and reproductive uh. and medical. um dynamics, of abortion itself as it is. not shunning the woman for having had one. and her having a choice in the matter.
so idinno. this news topic has been hard for me bc. well. it’s about reproduction and bodies and choices. so. yeah.
idinno. well. thanks.