"Blame nobody, expect nothing and do something" in Current Events

Yesterday morning was a bit rough for me. I woke up feeling down and I could feel a depression attack coming for me. It was very hard to shake. A depression attack, for me, is when my mind attacks itself and then it cripples me. I hide my face under a pillow to shrink my surroundings, my blanket becomes so heavy that I cannot move. All my scars open and my heart breaks in two. My mind becomes consumed with negatives thoughts that run on a loop until I fall asleep. Then I wake up either feeling shell shocked or feeling better. However, I did not let it come for me.

On Saturday I was feeling it coming for me too. I put on my running shoes and before I went for my run I sat down on the grass. I was not sure if my legs could handle it. Especially my broken toe. I was afraid that my mind would crack and then I became unable to make a decision, as always. This feels like it will last forever, it won’t. Will this matter in a weeks time? In a months time? In a years time? In a lifetime? No! You got to flip your hair girl and get over it. I went for that damn run and pushed myself to workout for the next couple of hours. I then blasted some music and I meal prepped and I cleaned and then I danced for a couple of hours with my niece and then we watched a movie together before bedtime. Do you know what she told her mother during her tuck-in? “Mommy, I had the best movie night ever!” She was raving about it when she woke up the next day too. I turned it into a good day.

On Sunday we all got together at my mother’s for Mother’s Day in the afternoon. Everybody left and I could tell that my mother did not want me to leave, she poured me another glass of wine and suggested that we go sit in the backyard. Those conversations got a little heavy. She cried again. I believe that I talked her into seeing a therapist. I gave her the number to the centre that I went to. She feels bad that she is burdening me but she has nobody else that can relate to her. She doesn’t have that much experience with depression. I hope she does call that centre. I know she will. She invited me to Gimili for a weekend. I love that town, I love walking down to the harbour and along those beaches. Should be perfect.

My mother lent me a book that helped her get through her job loss a few years ago. She said that it would validate everything that I am feeling and help me organize myself. She was right. Everything I am going through is literally textbook. I am doing pretty well at keeping myself together. It suggested some time off which is exactly what I am doing. I’m on my third week of unemployment? It feels like seven. It also suggested that I treat myself to something and also get a portfolio to help with the job search. I went and bought myself athletic headphones that connect through Bluetooth instead of having a cord getting tangled on me when I run. I am almost finished with the book which was so useful. I wanted to start mapping out my career path but just like the book said, family and friends might start taking advantage of your free time. So I left that for today. I want to map out the career path first and then just get a whatever job to tie me over until I go back to school. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it.

So yesterday when I realized that I was probably going to lose control of my depression I decided to try and meditate. I am so bad at it but I was desperate. I went and sat outside and just listened to the birds chirping, the trees rustling and the wind blowing. I paid attention to the smell of the grass and just fantasized about ruining Karamjeet’s life. Seriously, her betrayal still takes up so much headspace. I have so much hate for that woman it hurts. It’s just too hard to let it go. I wanted to leave that job and I wanted to leave it with that severance. She gave me that and I should be grateful. However, she blindsided me. She promised me every shift that she had my back. That she would talk me up to our boss. That her goal was to make my job easier etc. Meanwhile, she was conspiring against me because she wanted my job and my salary. I take some comfort in knowing that she has been absolutely miserable after I left. The store is going belly up and she is in way over her head. I had trained the management team to autonomously do most of the work without me but they’ve been quitting one by one. The climate there got pretty toxic and she can’t get any support. They all hate her more than I do.

Anyways, today is a new day. I ask myself every morning “How is Thomas today?” and today I feel pretty light. I do not have any existential dread weighing me down… yet. I realized something about myself while I was reading somebody’s entry the other day. “If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.” I am full of excuses because when it comes to setting goals for myself I do not want the process. I only want the reward. I want displacement. I want to magically go from A to B without going the distance. Does that make sense? I need to fix that shit. My life is like a rocking chair, I’m doing something but I am not getting anywhere. I am well aware that motivation is garbage. Am I really going to wait around until I feel like it? Newsflash, I am never going to feel like it. Nobody is going to come along and parent me. I am a grown man, that was my 2018 motto. That means that I am going to have to do all the things that I do not feel like doing. Nobody is going to come along and tell me to turn my computer off and go exercise. Nobody is going to stop me from eating fast food three times a week and cook my own meals. Nobody is going to come along and force me to sit down and plan my life and get my shit together. That’s on me.

Anyways, I’ve had enough of my shit already. I am sorry for anybody else that puts up with it. ta