Numbness of Nothing in Void

I don’t want to be bothered with him anymore. I’m finally away from him, physically.
My mind was already drifting away and that connection between us is still fading. All I sense is a dark heavy force expanding more and more. Since I left, there has been moments of rekindling but it didn’t feel true.

Maybe it’s just today, or some days, or maybe I’m slowing and officially coming to terms with the issues we’ve had. I don’t find myself searching as often for an explanation to understand why he do and say the things he do. I’m able to talk myself out of heated arguments that will lead to one of us blocking the other and leaving another piece of my being ripped away.

When he sends messages to me as if he’s craving me, wanting me, missing me, “complimenting” me, it’s so difficult to accept that he may mean it. His words means nothing to me now because he didn’t have the pleasure to tell me those things when I was there to hear it. Some things he say now are things I wish I heard from him when I needed him to say those things to me.

Maybe he can’t help but want what he doesn’t have and possible have some sort of fetish with distance or virtual connection. Emotional but sexual. Surprisingly he’s a bit more sexual than he use to be but I think he’s way more sexual with others or sexual with multiple of people to satisfy is multiple sexual desires/needs.

I can’t be with him after finding out specific things about him and how often I have on top of the non-sexual things. He gets off on betraying me and hiding a lot of things from me. So I’ll let him have fun without worrying about me interfering. Of course I want to know everything he’s doing and I know that will help me terminate any attention I give him and walk away without hesitation.

Last updated May 14, 2019