the couple that never has kids? in just testing

Could be and Will be that couple?

And I don't mean it in a bad way....

All my life I thought I wanted kids. And I understand all the good things about having kids. I mean, not firsthand, but I can understand amazing things your body goes through while being pregnant, the joy you feel when your child is first born and is in love with you. Watching them grow. I know they can be super cute and funny. I know they can grow to be your best friend.

But sometimes I feel like all I'm thinking about is how cool it would be to grow a baby, to watch it be a mix of you and him, the cute baby clothes, the first Christmas [at least the first one where they understand Santa] - I love the idea of all that. What I don't love is ... everything else. Not really, but like - diapers, babies getting sick, being tied to them 24/7, tantrums, what if they have behavioral/developmental issues, what if they're one of those kids that gets cancer as a toddler!!?!

And I'm not being extreme about it, I don't think. There's lots of good but also lots of bad that can happen and as I get older I wonder if I can really deal.

Do I want kids cause of only the good stuff? They don't stay small forever. Do I wanna think about if a kid turns out like my sister and starts having sex at 15 when I'm out at work? Do I want to think about college - and what if they don't 'make it' at college and don't get a good enough job to leave home. what if they get into drugs. Do I wanna deal with that at 50?

Do I wanna do it cause that's what women are 'supposed' to do? Do I wanna do it to fit in with all my friends who have kids already?

I am nurturing, I am that personality so it makes people think I'd be a good mother. And maybe I would. But I often say that I wish I just got knocked up at 18, when I wasn't mature enough to think about everything a baby entails. I would have just dealt with it then. Now I'm 32, and I have a choice and I know the pros and cons - do I want to put myself in that situation?

And the main thing is money. Right now, with the pay I get, I have $300 or $400 at the end of the month that is right now going to pay off my credit card. Is that enough to raise a child on forever?

Right now, with the expensive daycare I work at, if I kept my kid in there full time it would be $400 a month for me and $400 a month for Will. After that - where does the money come from for groceries, diapers, a movie out once in a while?

I'm sure I'll get raises eventually if I stay there for years and years - which I don't mind doing, I like my job at this point - but will the raises be enough to support a kid?

It's gonna take me a year at least to pay off my credit card at $300 a month. I'll get $$ for Christmas and my birthday and maybe a tax refund so that'll help but I'm pretty deep at the moment. And I still don't know what my raise will be and if I'll be able to afford to take my kid a co-pay to take my kid to the doc when it needs it.

If I'm financially responsible- I really shouldn't be even trying to get pregnant till this time NEXT year. I'll be 33 and knocking on the door of 34 before I give birth! I'll be 55 when I'm up all night waiting for my first child to get home from her / his 21st birthday!

Do I want that?

If I really really wanted it. If it was really meant to be - would I have all these doubts?

Maybe the reason I ended up with Will - who doesn't really want kids - is because I wasn't meant to have them.

We talked more and he basically said he doesn't want kids but he knew that I did and he wasn't going to jeep them from me so he was willing to make a baby with me. But we're not getting any younger - if we're gonna do it at all we should start NOW. He doesn't want to wait till next year. He doesn't want to wait till next month! He's 34 - which still isn't OLD - but he's starting to feel old I guess. I told him maybe we should wait till I make more money and he was like - you better say goodbye to this job then and look for something that pays better NOW. But I like this job. I don't wanna leave yet.

I got a job at a daycare thinking it would make my life easier when I have a kid. And the toddlers ARE cute. They may be my favorite age. And they are getting used to me and like to be picked up and hugged and they're cuddly and stuff. But the diapers are horrendous and they always have boogers - gross. I mean like big slimy boogers on their face. They spit up sometimes when something doesn't agree with them. They're non verbal pretty much and so they hit and bite and moan and cry. There's good and bad.

Working at the daycare hasn't really swayed me one way or the other.

But I change my mind so OFTEN!!!! Sometimes I really want kids - but today I don't. Is it hormones from my period. I thought I'd be disappointed if I got my period but I wasn't. I'm not ready right now. And esp not with the pay I make.

I know that people say "god will provide' and 'Family will help' and that's true but. It's not Will's mom's kid. It's my kid and they are facing bankruptcy, her heart isn't good, her leg hurts - she wants to do a lot more for us that I realty think she can. My parents both still work full time and they may like to help out on the weekends but maybe 1 weekend a month. They don't wanna be tied down by my kid. If my kid gets sick it has to be out of the daycare till it gets well. Who's gonna watch it?

There's a kid in the school - actually more that one - that is like 4 and still not potty trained. There's 1 kid that they're now noticing may have some form of autism. There's parent's who toured the school and then when their kid was born it was special needs and we don't have that kind of facility so we couldn't take them.

What if I have a special needs kid and my plan of keeping the kid at MY daycare falls through? What would I do then. And I know that people don't like to think of their baby coming out 'different' but it happens. Autism is super high in NJ and other common issues like down syndrome sometimes happen out of the blue. No one on either side has it but it could happen and I'm not ready for that.

And maybe I'm thinking about all that could go wrong because I'm making up excuses because I don't want to have one! And I feel guilty about NOT wanting to have one when that seems like the thing a married woman should do.

And what if I regret it. Should I have a kid just to have the experience of being a mother, so I don't regret NOT doing it by the time I'm really too old?

I was thinking about the cruise yesterday also.

It sounds silly but we had a really good time on the cruise for our honeymoon. And we came off the ship determined to go back one day on another cruise. BUT when I realized how long it would take for me to pay off my debt so we COULD afford another cruise I realized that it would tack a year on to our baby plans so we decided we couldn't have both. It was either a cruse or a baby - and at that point, just 3 months ago, I wanted a baby - now I'm kinda back on wanting a cruise.

And it sounds stupid to have a cruise instead of a baby, but the point is maybe I'm not ready to focus on a baby. I still want to do things for myself. Our first cruise was just to the Bahamas and Florida. Pretty local, but we thought about maybe doing a European one next time. Right now, on weekends, we don't do much of anything. Once my debt is paid off - if we didn't have kids - we could do weekend trips to places and just splurge and treat ourselves. I haven't really bought clothes for myself in YEARS.

I'm so serious. My shirts have holes - not in obvious places or I wouldn't wear them but my underwear drawer is shameful. Will hasn't been looking at the same bras for a LONG time. The white ones aren't so white. The underwire is poking through. I'm wearing the same black flats I had 5 years ago and 2 jobs ago!

I'm broke! I can't afford to splurge on things that aren't necessary. And right now the bras still work so I don't really NEED to waste money on that.

My glasses are OLD - but I can still see so they'll have to do. I used to make $20 / $21 an hour - now I make $12. And I've had to depend on my credit card during my times of unemployment and I'm JUST starting to pay that off.

I'd like to put more shelves up in my house, get rid of some clutter, I'd like maybe move to a place that has a washer and dryer in it so we're not wasting quarters on machines, I'd like a back yard to host BBQ's. There's pictures in my house waiting on frames that I don't have the spare money to buy!

You know what I mean? I'm not homeless or even living in the 'ghetto' but with my pay, after rent and bills are paid off I don't have much money to do anything else. And that's how my whole life would be if I had a kid. UNLESS I made a lot more money which I can't guarantee. I what no idea what kind of raises this daycare gives but I know it's only after a year.

I know this is getting super long but I'm getting out everything I've been wrestling with in my mind. But really the only thing I'm wrestling with is being OK with NOT having kids. Or maybe the issue of everyone else being OK with it. Now that I'm married, family and friends ask when I'm gonna have kids - cause it's usually the next step. It's what everyone ... DOES. It's the socially acceptable thing. No one really says "we plan on never having kids". His mother would - seriously - cry if we said that outloud.

Maybe it's feeling weird that I may intentionally be in that minority group of couples that never has kids.