Flash Forward in Current Events

My nerves hit me so hard while I was browsing for job postings online. I narrowed it down to almost 20 places that I can apply for. The ones that I am the most qualified for and that pay the most are management positions in a kitchen. East Indian restaurants are my best candidates because they pay the most. One, in particular, pays $2 more than what I was making and I would also be doing less than 1/4th of the load that I was doing at my last job so I assume that it would be less stressful. Also, I do love cooking Indian food. I’m quite good at it, the few dishes that I do cook anyway. Seriously though, my nerves hit me so hard at the thought of starting a new job. I had my last one for 13 years. I did not apply for anything yet. I’m a little bitch and I had to process my feelings before I put myself out there. I will submit my resumes today. I feel calmer and at least 10% excited to learn new Indian dishes if I were to get hired at one of their restaurants. Even though it doesn’t appear that I would be doing a whole lot of cooking.

On the other hand, I do have an opportunity to try something new. A manager in a restaurant would pay more and I would get to do something that is familiar to me but I had my heart set on a hotel downtown. A specific one to be exact. The amenities include a gym, free hotel stays and a rooftop pool. Then I learned that my cousin is back to working there. He is their dearly beloved and he could get me in no doubt. I just need to ask him for help which I hadn’t. He doesn’t even know that I am unemployed. I stopped talking to him a few years ago when he told me that he has a cocaine problem. Then brought some over to my place. Like wtf. My roommates have a baby. Do all drug addicts become sociopaths? It’s like they don’t care who they hurt to get their fix. They lie to you, rob you and use you. I have a lot of experience with getting hurt trying to help them so now they creep me out. I’m sorry about it.

Now, I finally called everybody that I wanted to call yesterday. I called the gay men’s clinic and they went to add me on their waiting list but it turned out that I am a registered patient because that is where my family doctor ended up. Last time that I tried to schedule an appointment with him, to end my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication, they told me that he no longer worked with them. They wouldn’t tell me where he moved to either. So, now I see him in a couple of weeks. He is actually retiring so he is introducing me to the new guy that is accepting patients. My ishta deva Ganesha, the remover of obstacles, works in obvious ways.

The one call that was disappointing was the employment resource centre. I wanted to book an appointment with a career counsellor and the man on the phone got nosy. Turns out that my expectations of what I thought they could do for me was way wrong. However, the man I spoke with got very passionate as soon as I told him what my career goal was and he gave me a lot of advice on being thorough and finding funding. He said that I could get a couple of years of tuition for free if I know where to look. Noted. Thanks. Now I have to look so when I re-up my groceries later I am buying myself a cute notepad situation because I am a dork like that. I will use that to map out my career path.

I understand that I am imbalanced when it comes to my mind and how it functions so I am trying to learn how to become more mindful and how to meditate. I saw 11:11 again on my clock last night just as I opened YouTube and the first recommended video was a MindValley Talks by a woman that wanted to teach us how to manifest properly. I have been saying all year that my thoughts keep manifesting and this woman insists that we can become more effective at that. It’s like being hungry and just asking the waiter for food. Meditation helps with stress. Our bodies are not designed to handle long-term stress. She explains that so eloquently lol. Basically, I know that I have anxiety and stress about this job search and that I do not want to have this anxiety and stress so it should be easier to separate myself from it. I assume anyway. I stopped making sense paragraphs ago.

I keep flash-forwarding to the summer where I am living in a new apartment with Toni. I am working 30 hours a week downtown somewhere and I am trying to balance courses at an adult education centre because I need to meet the criteria for the courses that I want in post-secondary. My heart drops at that thought man. So much change, so fast. My biggest and darkest fears come from me sitting in a classroom. iDie just thinking about it.

The one thing that I failed to do yesterday was cancel my gym membership. I chose to renew my license and registration at the insurance company beside it so that I could quickly swing in there and cancel it. I couldn’t bring myself to go in. The story that I am telling myself is that if I cancel it I will never actually go. I still want to go. I have been setting my alarm for 5am every morning with the intention of just going. I’m so frustrating. Speaking of working out, my legs are so spent. They are not happy about all the running I’ve been doing. Especially my broken toe which is trying to heal. I just need to escape sometimes. Stress is fight or flight and I just want to fly.

Anyways, I slept in again today. My brother in law is back from out of town and he decided to take the next week off before he leaves for another 21 days. So we’re all home in this one bathroom house. Yay, I’m so frickin’ excited… not! Oh well, I’m gonna go eat my breakfast and then go for a run and workout AGAIN. Chest and Bicep day. This should be my last entry for a while. You’re welcome. Sorry if the ignorant comment about drug addiction offended anyone. I don’t usually share my opinions.
Anyways
Ta

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Last updated May 04, 2019