Coming out in QUOTIDIEN

Spiritually speaking, of course. The following is not an invitation to try and convert or save me, nor is it up for debate. For all intents and purposes, I share it here as my new, first step of faith. And for the first time in my life, I have clicked PRIVATE COMMENTS ONLY to limit the audience of any proselytizers to just ONE person...me.

:deeeep breath: Here I go.

I was raised as a Roman Catholic, went to a private, Catholic school taught by nuns. These women of faith forwarded ideas which, though I was only 8, I felt needed to be expanded upon. At the time not only did they not answer, but they sought to shame me into silence. I do not believe that this represents Catholicism as a whole - not any more, anyway....but for the longest time, I did.

The concept of a personal relationship with God was presented to me in a sermon at a little a Southern Baptist Church and that's where I made my profession of faith. It felt like a puzzle piece that just naturally fell into place. Soon thereafter, however, my toddler was involved in a serious accident at the baby sitter's house which subsequently led the state to question my parenting skills. It was an ugly, dark time. I took my brand-new Christian self to the church and asked that one question: Why? Why is this happening? How come God feels so distant in this time when I need Him most? And with a hard-set expression, the elder said with a certainty that terrified me: you must have some unconfessed sin in your life.

I walked away from that church and her people, unwilling to serve the God they preached, though I kept, with me, that well-fitting puzzle piece. I could have a 'relationship' with the Divine, and I continued to pray...out of habit or out of need to believe that out there, The one who created also cared for It's creations.

It sounds so cliché, but eventually I felt called to find a church. I was, as they say, being wooed by the Spirit. Twenty-two years a go, I found myself at the church I currently attend.

There, I experienced a spiritual growth spurt. I was directed by what was taught and by those who taught it at the time, into deeper communion with the Author of life and love. I saw my husband come to the same place after 17 years of praying.

I began recognizing the Divine in places that others found a bit weird, like.....through duck-raising, gardening, walking through the forest, creating, etc. I wrote devotionals that were, without a doubt in my mind, Spirit-led, and though they were appreciated by many of my faith, the truth is, I was often surprised at the shock they would display that I would see the Divine in, say, a fallen petal. But through the living of these stories, my faith continued to deepen.

Over the past five years or so, however, something has been different. A discontent has set in. As I opened my eyes, and listened intently, I began to realize that some messages did not fit what I knew in my heart to be true.

As I worked to untangle the Spiritual thread that had become unspooled, I came to the end and realized that I hold to a few basic, spiritual beliefs:

• I believe in the Divine - God - Truth
• I believe that hatred and bigotry are contrary to Truth.
• I believe that by associating with such things or teachings that encourage placing myself above others to be incongruent with My understanding of God , and is toxic to my Spiritual health.
• Women and men are equal in the eyes of God.

And now, for the biggie:

God is most important. Because I believe context has been screwed by the beliefs of the day along with a limited understanding of science, etc....I am not sure where I stand on the Bible and Jesus. It isn't beyond my ability to accept that God willingly gave up a part of Himself for the sake of a relationship with His creation. This makes much more sense than the son who is, but isn't. The trinity has always been difficult for me. For as long as I can remember, I have understood God and The Spirit as being part an parcel, though. The Spirit is the Divine in me. That voice. I believe Jesus existed. I believe that He was a profit, and one that held, within himself, the same Spirit that is within me. And because God is God, it isn't a huge stretch for me to believe that (S)He would empower Jesus with abilities when necessary to make a point. Could He have been sent by God? Yes, I believe so. After all, aren't we all sent here by a greater Power? Was he led by the Divine? Yes, I believe so. His message, after all was about love and truth and forgiveness.

As for salvation.....I believe it is about accepting the Truth that is the Divine.