Intentionally Left Blank But Long As Hell in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

This is even more a Non-Entry than ever as I don’t even feel like writing today.

But I’ll keep this page up in case something comes to me. Or something happens. Which is almost certain to mean you will get a heavy dose of Stream of Consciousness mixed with whatever socio-political nonsense happens to get stuck in my head today.

I should really clean my desk, it is starting to look like simply a paper explosion.

Though, I should also clean my facial hair… its current alignment makes me feel a bit hobo-chic.

Still ruddy fuming over the current state of American Affairs. The Chief Prosecutor in the Country yesterday behaved appallingly and outed himself as either entirely incompetent or completely in cahoots with Trump. The fact that he refused to be present for this morning’s hearing is further proof that Bill Barr cares nothing for his country or his responsibilities. I really truly am disheartened and sick of what has become of my country. I do sometimes worry if this may be the end of our experiment with Democracy.

I suppose if I’m going to use this space today to simply… speak into the ether… I’ll return to a favorite topic. Fragile Masculinity, Toxic Masculinity, and Bro Culture.

I have so many friends and colleagues who think this is all the next level of Feminism’s Covert Destruction of Men. They honestly think that. Like the honest-to-goodness genuine heart of the Equality Movement is for Women to utterly and totally destroy/usurp/control all Men. Paranoid, much? It belies, I think, a worse trend in the very Fragile Masculinity/Toxic Masculinity problem itself. A complete and utter inability to consider, see through, or empathize with different perspectives. Because honestly? If you look through my eyes…Fragile Masculinity and Toxic Masculinity are obvious, apparent, and clear. And not just as an “In the wake of MeToo” socio-political push. I’ve been saying it since 2002!!

In 2002, I was debating these very subjects with BOTH Feminists and the early beginnings of Meninists. To the Meninists, I asked them to consider The Cool Masculine Archetype of the 1950s and 1960s. Montgomery Clift, Humphrey Bogart, Cary Grant. Men who were sophisticated and intelligent… maybe not great to women, but rarely violent for the sake of violence. Consider the “gun debate” from the first Bond film Dr. No.

Walther PP
James Bond (Sean Connery) is assigned a 7.65 mm “Walther PPK” by M, ordering him to hand over his Beretta (which M accuses of being underpowered, despite the 1934’s Italian 9mm Corto being superior to the replacement PPK’s 7.65mm chambering; this is a relic from the novel, where the Beretta in question was, as noted below, chambered in .25ACP). However in the film he actually uses a longer-barreled Walther PP chambered in .380 ACP (same as carried by the Metropolitan Police in 1961). Felix Leiter (Jack Lord) also carries a Walther PP, even though he’s a CIA agent and, according to Major Boothroyd, would use the PPK (it’s possible he was referring to the Brausch suppressor, though). Bond’s PP would later be auctioned by Christie’s.

M: “Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again. I’ve told you about this before.” (to the armorer) “You tell him, for the last time.”
Maj. Boothroyd: “It’s nice and light… in a lady’s handbag. No stopping power.”
M: “Any comments, 007?”
James Bond: “I disagree, sir. I’ve used the Beretta for ten years. And I’ve never missed with it yet.”
M: “Maybe not, but it jammed on your last job and you spent six months in the hospital in consequence. If you carry a double-O number, it means you’re licensed to kill, not get killed… From now on you’ll carry a different gun. Show him, armorer.”
Maj. Boothroyd: “Walther PPK. 7.65 mil with a delivery like a brick through a plate glass window. Takes a Brausch silencer with very little reduction in muzzle velocity. The American CIA swear by them.”

So… we have a certain kind of man and a certain kind of gun. Fast Forward a bit.

Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry, a man all about violence and carrying the biggest handgun he can
Arnold Schwarzenagger, a large man playing violent characters typically wielding extremely large guns
Robert De Niro, a powerful man that (at the time) was known for making violent, often crime-focused films
Mel Gibson, a man who adores making violent movies which highlight things like gore
Bruce Willis.... the entire Explosion and Blood and Guns genre really.
OR
The Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, Hugh Grant reaction..... the Pretty Boys response to the Rugged Violent Action focus… and even Bradd, George, and Leo have gone on to make very explosiony, gorey, bloody, actiony movies since the 1990s.

The average size of a GI Joe grew exponentially… not in height but in exaggerated muscle build. Not to mention the larger and larger guns that came with the GI Joes.

What does that suggest? That a very specific kind of masculinity has been pushed for a long time. A masculinity based largely on violence, control, physical strength. The Pitt/Clooney/DiCaprio/Grant scenes?!? Those are “Chick Flick Movies.” It is okay to not “be masculine” when trying to snag the “Chick Audience” but “Real Men” watch the other kind of movie.

And how does this play out through real life?

Little boys are routinely told that they have to conform to a specific pre-determined version of masculinity. A boy can’t like pink or pastel colors. A boy can’t prefer dance to contact sports. A boy can’t cry. A boy can’t play with dolls, we have to have him play with action figures. A compassionate boy that talks through things is to be discouraged lest people think he’s queer. This was all reality for many decades and may still be the reality in some homes today.

Meanwhile, the feminists would fight us for “trying to steal their audience” as though Gender Studies and Gender Equality needed to be exclusively a women’s issue.

And now a days… I look around me… and I don’t see a whole lot of differences, really. Certainly not enough differences.

There are still men who feel that their worth derives from “how much pussy they’ve crushed”. There are still men who think that they only have value if they “look jacked, bro!”
There are still men who think that “listening to a girl’s problems without getting puss” is a sign of homosexuality.
It’s… despicable. And as much as people want to blame the specific individual person… which you certainly can… I think by focusing exclusively on the individual person intentionally ignores the repeated heavy-handed conditioning of the society around them.

One thing I’ve noticed, as well, about the whole concept of “Real Man” toxicity and fragility is.... they SO OFTEN define “Real Man” through the relationship to family and women. A Real Man provides for his family! A Real Man treats his girl well! A Real Man loves his family and sticks around. Here’s a revolutionary perspective: What if this whole concept of defining what it means to be somebody shouldn’t be based on relationships to others? WHAT IF we completely ditched the concept of what it means to be a “real man” or a “real woman” (for that matter). What if we focused on what it means to be a Good Person instead?!

Actually, I want to continue this discussion from a different perspective as I was thinking about it a lot last night.

The Nice Guy and the “Ask Again, Ask Everyone” Dating Perspective and Advice.
What I am about to say is not expert testimony, nor was it thoroughly researched. It is strictly my opinion based on my own observations and life experience. If you disagree, a discussion involving sharing stories and perspective is welcome… however, simply disagreeing and calling names will be met with either being ignored or being called out. If you do not wish for this to be a place of discussion and respect, you will be treated in kind.

Growing up, I was very much the “Why do women not go for nice guys?” kind of guy. I was very much the “I am sick and fucking tired of being friendzoned!” kind of guy. And, in truth… if you took that version of me and placed him here and now… there is very real possibility that he would have straight up signed on with the Incels. Obviously… I’m not that guy anymore. But I want to use this space… maybe to translate Him to You. To show you what his words meant and why some of the current response… may not always work. THAT BEING SAID… I fully endorse the idea that perhaps I was a fluke, an anomaly, a non-repeating variable whose existence shares no greater similarities with others than mere existence.

Now… let’s start with the term “Nice Guy”. As it is presently understood, “Nice Guy” is a bit of a pejorative. In popular dating culture, a “nice guy” is a pejorative term for an insecure man who expects his kindness to be rewarded with sex. This selfsame definition was often used against me when I was trying to seek out why my being a Genuine Nice Guy was not perceived as a positive. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH LANGUAGE, friends. I would be stating things like, “I bring her flowers when she’s sad. I make her soup when she’s sick. I checked with her teachers to get her assignments when she was ill. Even if I’m exhausted from a 12 hour school day, I at least call her to talk for twenty minutes each evening. I’m a nice guy! But still, she treats me so poorly.” The response to that? Was as if I had said, “I treat her with the bare minimum of respect, why won’t she fuck me?!” This was, of course, back in the OD Days… and the reactions NEVER made any sense to me. BECAUSE I WASN’T TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH A GIRL. Maybe that was something people didn’t believe.
But there I was through most of High School and College. I’m not trying to have sex with you. I just want to get to know you. Show you I care about you. Show you that I find you attractive. And if you think I’m the kind of person you want in your life, I’d love to be more than just a friend. That was my approach. And I would receive the “You’re just a nice guy, right?” response.
There is an alternative to this, though. So… when a guy says, “Women don’t want nice guys” dig deeper with that person. Yeah, maybe he’s saying “I took her out and didn’t try to put my hand up her skirt, why didn’t she do me?!” THAT guy needs a lesson in civility and manners. But then there’s “We went out to dinner. She was cold, so I gave her my jacket. We walked around the park talking for hours. When she sat close to me, I didn’t try anything inappropriate, I was a total gentleman!! So… why doesn’t she want to see me again?” THAT guy needs a very different KIND of lesson. I was the second, being treated like the first. Except for the people who knew me who would say “you’re too nice.” But that was it. So from one side I’m getting, “You’re too nice.” From the other side I’m getting, “You’re a scumbag.” Mix them together and you get… “Girls don’t want guys who are nice to them. If you aren’t going to change that about yourself, just get used to being single.”

What young me should have heard?
“Chris, there are degrees to everything. A girl does want a nice guy. Someone who treats her well, who genuinely listens to her, who is willing to focus on her needs. Women do respond to that. But you gotta remember a few things. First, if a girl is ever furious with you for putting your own needs ahead of hers… she isn’t the one. You can’t sacrifice everything you are, or hope, or have for one person. Ever. You gotta look out for yourself, not in a selfish way, but in a way that asks ‘If I give everything I am to one person and it destroys me, how many other people won’t I be able to help?’ Get me? So stop trying so hard that you sacrifice your own identity. Second, you can be a nice guy and still communicate that you’re attracted to a girl. Tut, tut, don’t interrupt. I know you tell them but ask yourself… what if I told you everyday that you were the President of the United States. How many times would you have to hear that before you actually WERE the President of the United States? None. So don’t be afraid to put your arms around a girl, to hug her tight, smell her hair, kiss her cheek. I’m not like your brother or those other guys. I’m not saying ‘Grab her tit’ or ‘Shove your tongue down her throat.’ I’m saying use communication beyond words. If a girl doesn’t want you to kiss her? She’ll tell you. Either with her words or with her actions. But if she’s sitting close to you, if the night is going well… sometimes you have to make the first move. That isn’t disrespecting consent and it isn’t disrespecting her autonomy. What 14 year old thinks like that? It’s communicating. Hell, if you’re so worried about put it in Hollywood terms. Look at her, make sure you have her attention and say, ‘I want to kiss you right now. I really like you and I respect you so I want to make sure this isn’t inappropriate; but I very much want to kiss you right now’… then go for it. It gives her a heads up to say no, to put her hand in front of her mouth, or to lean in and kiss back. Third, yeah it is good to be friends with somebody first. But don’t let not knowing someone make you feel like it is a mistake. If someone catches your eye and you’re interested; walk over to them. It doesn’t have to be a date at first but don’t become their friend for the SOLE purpose of trying to date them. Communicate your intent. Tell her something like, ‘Hi, my name is Chris. I couldn’t help notice you as you walked by and I would love to take you out to Starbucks or EsNoble for a coffee or something and get to know you.’ Because that communicates (a) she peaked your interest; (b) you want to spend time with her; (c) you’d like to get to know her. And here’s the thing… if she turns you down? She didn’t say no to a date! She didn’t. So you don’t have to be embarrassed. She’s just saying, ‘Y’know, my calendar is a little busy or my social life is a little full, sorry.”

I could have used that. Instead of “You’re too nice” from those who knew me and “You’re such a sleaze” from OD.

Also, I want to talk about the Friendzone as this continues to be controversial for the STUPIDEST reasons. I cannot tell you how many times I hear a militant feminist say “The friendzone isn’t a real thing; it is something Jerk Guys talk about when the women in their lives won’t have sex with them!” And you know what… that is true for some people. But this view that you’re propagating? Is very narrow minded.

NOTE: All hypothetical scenarios are non-gender exclusive… any situation could be Male to Female, Female to Male, Male to Male, or Female to Female… the specific Male to Female used is because I am writing from the perspective of a Straight Male. AND if writing form the perspective of a Straight Male already means you don’t care what I have to say… that’s disrespectful.

Scenario 1 (true story): In the 9th Grade, my English Class had assigned seating. I was sat next to a girl I had not met before as we were at different Junior High Schools. I found her visually pleasing/stimulating. Red hair, big teeth, small waist (though she’d say she was fat), and a very healthy chest. We started talking in class, as you do. I got to really like her. She was with some guy that she was madly in love with and (as ever) I refused to pursue a woman that was taken. So… what we had there was (A) I developed a friendship with Emily; (B) I developed an attraction to Emily; (C) Emily was smitten with her boyfriend; (D) I did not pursue a romantic relationship. FRIENDZONE but I wasn’t “forcibly placed there, I selected it as a sign of respect for her and her relationship. No, I wasn’t happy about it. Because I thought she was FAR too over the moon for this guy at age 14 and, after meeting him, I was right. He was the kind of guy that treated relationships like Social Currency… so if he had the absolute ardor and love of this girl with whom he could have his way… she’s just the jumping off point to girls who were more attractive or more socially connected.

Scenario 2 (true story): In college, I met someone that I found very visually appealing and wanted to pursue. I was never much for “time with strangers” so it was entirely my plan to become this person’s friend IN ORDER TO ASK THEM OUT. We became friends, I asked her out, and she said no, that she wanted to remain friends. We did through most of college even though now I never see her (despite her living in the same city as MBFITWW). So… what we had there was (A) I wanted to ask this girl out; (B) I became her friend in an effort to do so; (C) She turned me down’ (D) We remained friends for many years afterwards. FRIENDZONE and arguably… I was forcibly placed there, as I did not select for being rejected. HOWEVER, in that, I gained a friend. Assuming you can have sex with any woman you want means the FRIENDZONE is always unacceptable. However, if you can open yourself up to the idea that not all women are “Fuck Partners Only”, the FRIENDZONE can be the social version of “Reach for the moon; even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

Scenario 3 (true story): In Junior High School, an attractive friend of mine gave me a note to say that she found me funny, and charming, and very attractive, and that she was going through a lot of depression and I always made her feel better just by being around her. I regret it now, but I put her in the FRIENDZONE. I told her that if she was really feeling depressed, I wasn’t a great match for her because I was funny and charming the way most performers are. We’re desperate for validation and to make ourselves feel better for those brief moments where people are applauding or laughing… but when that goes away, we’re unhappy people just looking for the next applause. While I found her attractive, I genuinely worried about her because we were friends. Unfortunately… I never saw her again.

So… yeah.
MEN: Stop acting like the FRIENDZONE is the absolute worst place to be all the time. YES… if you’re madly and desperately in love with someone who doesn’t return that interest… being in the FRIENDZONE hurts like more than anything you think you can bear! And sometimes, you have to let that friendship die because she only sees you as a friend and you honestly can’t STOP WANTING HER… you should walk away for both of your sakes. But not every FRIENDZONE experience is like that. So learn to embrace the ways FRIENDZONE can be good.
WOMEN: Sop acting like the FRIENDZONE doesn’t exist or is short-hand for “Man Failed to Fuck.” The FRIENDZONE absolutely exists because anytime there are people who are attracted to other people… friends will become attracted to each other. And anytime someone who wants a romantic or physical relationship with someone “settles” for just a friendship, there is the FRIENDZONE.

Lastly, I want to talk about The Persistent Ask. I’ve talked about this before but it keeps coming up everywhere so it is worth talking about.
MOST men are told “Never Give Up”. This, we naturally assume, relates as equally to getting a girlfriend as it does to winning a Baseball Game. So, if Tim sets his mind to getting Tanya to go to the prom with him… the majority of what he’s heard in his life is “Don’t give up.” This creates… problems obviously. Because if Tim asks her and she says no… Tim thinks he’s just got to figure out how to get around that no. Do you see how that very problematic language can result in very bad things?! Training a man, in a relationship capacity to a woman, to get around that no. Yes, rape and sexual violence and domestic violence.

So… let’s take this to the real world.
8th Grade Year: I ask Tammy Holm out because I think she is the smartest, prettiest, deepest girl in our whole school. She tells me no and tells me that her parents don’t think she should date until she is 16. I was asked by an adult if I was going to ask her out again. I told him, “No. She said no and I’m going to respect that decision.” To which he said, “You’ll never get her that way. At least, will you ask her out again when she gets closer to 16?” “No. She said no and I’m going to respect that decision.” I was treated like I was some strange robot-like figure for that. To me, I had just been rejected… I’m not going to expose myself to that experience multiple more times. To others, I had just received a no in a negotiation… when am I going to go back with a counteroffer. THAT IS A PROBLEM. But… the question: What if she had wanted me to ask her out again when she was 16? What if she told me that as a way of saying, Please Ask Again? THIS IS SOMETHING WE NEED TO DISCUSS IN OUR CULTURE because it comes up so often. WOMEN (and men in this position)… if you are asked out, speak your mind. IF Tammy had wanted me to ask her at 16… the way to communicate that would have been to say, “No, my parents won’t let me date until I’m 16. Thanks for asking though. Maybe in a few years, you can ask again?” NO MUST MEAN NO and Men must learn to see that as the END of negotiations not the beginning.

And every time this doesn’t happen… it reinforces the problem. If a man asks you out and you say NO.... only to want him to ask you out later… he should not be the one to ask. If you have said no and change your mind… YOU approach HIM. Because he should respect your no… not try to find a way around it.

Oh, it seems rather hypocritical of me to discuss this after the previous two discussions but… those who have followed me here for a while may be familiar with my duality. How I can appreciate something, but despise it. I can rationalize something, but reject my own rationalization. How I can say, “I really like this” at the same time I’m saying, “I really hate this.” This is one such topic and it is, frankly, the most common topic of my duality

Sex, Sexuality, Sexual Expression, and Monetization
Or “How Cam Girls have become both of interest, of hate, and of envy.”

I could start this little non-bit anywhere really. I lack the expertise and the intelligence to do this the kind of justice I want, so I suppose I’ll just leap in.

There is a… breed… of… entertainers in this world called Cam Girls. If you don’t know, their entire occupation is to be sexy on camera. This can span the spectrum from “Look, an attractive girl sitting in front of a camera” to “An attractive girl playing video games in front of a camera” to “A girl is stripping in her bedroom and broadcasting it” to “This girl is taking requests for sexual simulation actions” to “This girl will strip and masturbate while talking directly with me on camera!”

Now… the complaint against modeling or pornography as a profession is “It isn’t a real job because you’re not doing something any of us couldn’t already do.” I’ve always argued this logic. A model maintains her beauty. True, she may have been genetically gifted with perfect cheekbones and low cellulite; but how are her genetic gifts different from yours? Perhaps you are a speech therapist who was genetically gifted with good ears and a mouth structure that was particularly adept at language… yes, you’ve gone to school and gotten licensed and everything but that simply means you are maintaining… or just turning it into a career. And as to pornographers? While some people believe it is simply fucking on camera… to make money at it, there should be more. Script, director, cinematographer, lighting coordinator, boom operator… if it is a movie set you need the movie set staff. Not to mention the acting. Granted, we don’t expect Laurence Olivier when we turn on a porn; but if there are other people in the world like me… a half-hearted dis-interested “Yeah. Baby. Oh. Yeah. Do it.” is absolutely abysmal. So at least a modicum of acting or voice talent is needed.

And yet… I find it difficult to make the same argument for Cam Girls. I genuinely do. Like… really? Your “job” is to be cute?

I don’t know if it is the same concept but truthfully… whether I’ve communicated it properly here… it feels like how I feel about CamGirl Twitch Streamers comes from the same place. If I’m watching someone play video games? I want that person to be funny, or insightful, or helpful, or deeply skilled at the game. I’ll watch Team Four Star play Xenoverse. They’re funny and deeply knowledgeable about the Dragon Ball Lore. I’ll watch My Favorite Brit play Borderlands 2. He shares his gameplay style and makes videos intended to assist others. But the CamGirl Twitch Streamers? The whole idea has bothered me for a LONG time. Like… my early days reading OD long time.

WAaAaAaAaAY back before Cam Girls were a YouTube thing and more a PornHub thing… I was semi-friends with a girl who simply… didn’t want to get a real job. She found school boring and anything that involved hard work felt like “punishment” (her words). So, she decided (having not played video games before) that she was going to rent herself out to parties. She would show up in a bikini (or costume of the host’s choice) and play video games during the party. That would be her job. She would be present to look sexy, play video games, and get paid for it. THAT IS AN ESCORT! I get it that we always think Escort/Prostitute is a sexually focused active penetration kind of thing but technically? It seems like if I’m paying a girl to look sexy and come over to my place to play video games… that’s a few degrees away from prostitution and could become prostitution far too quickly.

This is where my struggling duality in Cam Girls likely comes from. Like… in my pornography viewing… I almost always refused to watch anything Cam Girly. I wanted to respect the proper actors and/or production qualities and/or true industry guild members. Yes… I was like that annoying person that has to act “Was this done by Union workers?” But as the industry became less and less profitable due to the internet; more and more camgirls came into being. And truthfully… I don’t always want my erotic or pornographic entertainment to involve penetration, masturbation, or even nudity. Sometimes watching Christina Chung dance around looking attractive is enough. Sometimes a tightly coreographed routine from Waveya is all I’m looking for. Hell, sometimes just a fully clothed J.O.E. from the right performer can get me there. So… in the erotic form… I opened myself up to CamGirls. Slowly. Then I discovered that the greatest Ohmibod Videos were camgirls and the floodgates opened. You mean to tell me I can watch an absolute knockout bring herself to multiple body-shaking orgasms? Yes please. So I’ve come to reluctantly, begrudgingly, almost unwillingly accept CamGirls in porn.

Connect all of this to Cos Play, now. At first… I loved to celebrate Cos Play. There are men and women in this world who can look like Joe Normal every day of the week but when they go to a convention they ARE Hellboy or InuYasha or Raven or Rachnera “Rachnee” Arachnera. Hard work, excellent costume skills, passion for the source material… there are some impressive as hell people and I LOVE seeing their costumes!! But… hell it is me… I also love the sexy characters and sexy cosplayers. You want to do a hot Revvy Two Hands? Yes please. You’ve got a photo set of Saeko Busujima cooking? Oh god, yes. But the overly sexualized non-sexual characters… originally bothered me. You’ve done a slutty Female Altair? Why?! You found a way to do a sexy female version of Killer Croc? What would even possess you to put that much effort into it?? Just do slutty half-assed poison ivy!

But then even that changed. I’m not proud of myself and downright don’t like the fact that I’ve become okay with sexualized non-sexual cosplay but… even some of that can be done well. You’ve got a hottie Fem-Bison? Sure, let’s see it. Barely Dressed Fem-Deku? Could be creepy, but the mask and makeup work look awesome and you do look sexy! And this connects to CamGirl elements, too, as I watch CosPlay YouTube videos for help, ideas, and assistance… and these videos range from “Svetlana shows you how to create a full battle armor set out of EVA Foam” to “KatzyKutez21 Bikini Clad Cosplay MakeUp Tutorial!”

Now… I share all of that… to get to this element. Twitch Streaming. Mentioned it earlier talking about Video Games and Cam Girls. There is an entire platform now for people who want to stream just about anything via Twitch. Largely, it still specializes in Video Game Related Content. And… some of it bugs the ever living shit out of me. Dear friend from my Best Buy Days streams on there. She gets a lot of viewers because she is an attractive female. But she doesn’t do the Bikini Clad Bull Shit. She’s just an honest to goodness Gamer Girl that can kick anyone’s ass in Halo (as long as she doesn’t have to drive) but also has a good bone structure and extremely healthy hair. Hell, she does more and more of her Streams in a mask these days because she thinks it is funny to play For Honor in a Knight’s Helmet or Star Wars Battlefront in a Storm Trooper Helmet. That’s cool. I can get behind that. Or, again, like Team Four Star. They want to do an in-company Xenoverse Tournament; I’ll watch that stream! People I don’t know, playing people I don’t know… but to each other, they are friends or co-workers enjoying the game and sharing their little Lore-based jokes. Like… if one is playing as Gohan and the other is playing as Cell and Gohan wins… someone shouting, “Don’t give him a Sensu Bean, Goku!” is a funny in-universe joke. That’s cool. I can get behind that.
Here’s my gray area: There is an Asian Gamer. She was a model but wanted to travel less. Facebook and a MOBA Game asked her to be their official Twitch Representative. So, it is her job to be cute, be on camera, and play this game for a few hours every day. In exchange, they pay her, AND fly her to various VideoGame Conventions. This is a gray area for me because while she is cute… she isn’t half naked. She’ll play the game in full pants/shirt/cardigan/glasses on her stream. Yeah, she shares cute pictures of her when she’s not playing because that is a version of marketing… “look, I’m cute and personable and relatable, come watch me play video games or buy the game and play with me”… but she doesn’t treat her stream like “Look I’m So Sexy… and also… there’s a video game… I guess.”

That all being said… sorry, this is me skirting a subject, apparently… there is one person that I am not “gray area” about… I’m simultaneously PRO and CON.
There was once a girl that did Pornos. She saw that having sex on camera wasn’t as lucrative as she wanted it to be. She discovered the CosPlay circuit. She switched from Porn Actress and Sexually Explicit Model to… Sexually Explicit Cos Play Model. I’ve shared some of her pictures here and have done so at the bottom. I am deeply conflicted with this area of my life. It is entirely a ME thing, so I’m not one of these brutish thugs saying, “This girl causes me conflict, so SHE’S at fault!” No, I’m enlightened enough to know that this is my own issue. Because… the SEX aspect isn’t a “this is fun expression”. The SEX aspect is entirely “this is because semi-porn increases revenue”. And that isn’t even morally wrong. Sex Sells is an axiom because it has been the go-to Marketing Schema for decades. But… for some reason I feel it cheapens the whole thing. Maybe I feel that way because, in a way, it is pulling the curtain back? By doing something that so blatantly says, “This is my job, I’m being sexy so you can give me money” I feel like it removes the traditional CosPlay inspiration of “This is my passion, I’m dressed as this character because they’re my favorite!”

All of this is brought to a bit of a head this week. Because a Sexually Explicit CosPlay girl… who I should have guessed was also a Sexually Explicit Twitch Streamer… I mean.... if you’re going to make money by being “Sexually Explicit Nerd Exploiter” you’ll get a lot more revenue if you hit up every Nerd Medium.... anyway… she was invited to demo Borderlands 3. So the shortcut concept there is:
Porn Actress turns to CosPlay and Twitch. Semi-Porn CosPlay/Twitch Career gets her premiere access to a video game 5 months before the game is released. It just… makes me feel frustrated and angry a little. Like… I don’t know… I guess the thought that comes to mind is, “So if I was born hot and female, I could stay home and do nothing but indulge in my hobbies… provided I hyper-sexualized everything, I could make a career out of it that leads to intensely exclusive opportunities to further my hobby-turned-career? But instead… born a man in the midwest… I have to slog through Child Rape, Domestic Assaults, and Adult-Sized High School-like B.S. Drama and occasionally attempt to squeeze Hobby Time into my life?”

On a related/unrelated note… my Content Break after this paragraph will be the very picture I’m discussing.

This is a wonderful example of “90s Fashion” or put more simply a type of fashion that screams, to me, “We had a good idea and failed in the execution.” Now, the model wearing the garb is Alyson Hannigan; an otherwise very attractive 45 year old woman (now). Then she was in her mid-20s. The color of the top is a very complimentary color for Ms. Hannigan. The bright green goes excellently with her hair and her eye color. The failure, or at least the incongruity which ruins the outfit for me, is this sleeveless, belly-less, sweater-y turtleneck combination. It… it is a garment that at every attempt seeks to sabotage itself. Sleeveless and belly-less? That is the sleek sexy 1990s look! Sweater-y and turtleneck? The comfy/cute 1990s look! Combining them? It is either failing for trying to do too much by highlighting competing styles… or is is failing for trying to combine a “look skin” appearance with a “i want to stay warm” appearance. Now… they selected one of the models who could otherwise pull off the competing styles perspective. Alyson Hannigan is excellent at both smoldering sexy looks and cute and comfy looks. Genuinely give her Google Image History a search and you’ll see that she is a very skilled model for depicting the various stages between Cute, Hot, and Sexy. So I’m guessing my ultimate dissonance lies in practical conflict. I’ve never experienced a scenario where I thought “I’m really warm and would like my arms and belly exposed… but there is a cool breeze, so I should wear a turtleneck sweater today.”

Just for fun… lets see if I can express my frustration at this defendant through rhyme:

Your first crime committed
After I’d been omitted
as a private lawyer
became a private voyeur
And you started fighting
While I started writing
But my predecessor
Gave you a lessor
Sentence than I’d care to
But you did not adhere to
The terms of the deal
So now you’re in real
trouble for the drugs
and those violent thugs
that got you in trouble
trapped you in a bubble
of crime, time, and worry
So you stay in a hurry
To outrun the law
because now you saw
that I’m here to play
and that I’ma stay
a prosecutor on a mission
to create a vision
of a county that stays safe
for every child and waif
and each woman and man
because I’ve got a plan
to attack the hate
the drugs in the state
to keep fighting back
for my home and pack
and put you in jail
because you failed
to not hit your mama
to not cause that drama
because it sure seems
that in your wildest dreams
you’re just a rowdy thug
with a mean old mug
doing what you like
even though I’m right
that you’ve got no hope
of being not a dope
because you chose this
to keep crossing Chris
and keep doing crime
so now it’s time
to answer to The Man
and be locked in the can.

SO..... rest of my day?

Go to the Store to get a bunch of different treats for work tomorrow.
Workout.
Try to get the dog to like me. (lol).
Watch Jeopardy.
Eat Dinner.
MAYBE play some video games.

I turn 35 tomorrow. And according to the United States Constitution Article 2 Section 1.... that means that I can run for President! :) :p
Though… technically… if we wanted to actively, intentionally, like go out of our way to make it happen in trying to get THE YOUNGEST PRESIDENT EVER POSSIBLE.. the constitution reads as “neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty-five years,” so we either HAVE HAD or NEED TO HAVE Supreme Court Arguments on whether that means… the individual must be 35 at time of campaign OR the individual must be 35 at time of vote OR the individual must be 35 at time of inauguration. Because that would make all the difference. I mean… recent election as example. It would be the difference between a candidate born on June 16, 1980 OR November 8, 1981 OR January 20, 1982. Reading that back? I’m more than a little uneasy about the fact that Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the President of the United States ON my Wife’s 35th birthday.