Balance in Current Events

It all hit me last night. I am unemployed and I have done nothing about it yet. I was fired last Wednesday and that feels like it was weeks ago. I do not feel strong enough to fight for my future just yet and thank Ganesha that I can afford this time that I am wasting.
I have been outrunning my depression by literally going for a run but now my toe is too broken for that. I have to face my demons. I have so much fear and doubt about my future. This imbalance in my mind is causing me to be more ambivalent than ever. I just feel so much pressure over nothing. I need to sit and explore my thoughts and learn to facilitate my own thinking. My depression comes from my ability to remember and my anxiety comes from my ability to imagine so if my calculations are correct, I am not suffering from a disability. I am suffering from an ability. If that makes sense. I do not know how to use my memory and my imagination to work for me.
I wish I could blame that rambling on alcohol but I can’t. I’m not adding alcohol into this mess that I am in. I have been distracting myself with YouTube. Today I learned how dopamine affects behaviours and creates addictions. ish. There are a few habits that I need to kick if I want to have real change in myself, I think. I’ll tap into that in another entry maybe. I wrote out what my action plan was last night but set that to private this morning after my mini anxiety attack last night. I wrote this entry several times and just kept deleting it. I apparently don’t want to give away the ending where I learn that everything is going to be okay. Frick, I am literally making no sense anymore. Here is a song by some locals that I am trying to draw strength from.
ta

It’s impossible to be certain
Stretch your arms out wide
Keep your mind on doing things
One step at a time
It’s impossible to find balance
When you’re up so high
It’s not the time for looking back
You’ve left it all behind

I’ll try, I’ll try
To keep from looking down
My head up in the clouds
Alive
I’ll try, I’ll try
Not hearing all the sounds
People gather round
Alive and doing well

---

Last updated May 02, 2019