Court, my parents, changing diet plan. in Since OD is shutting down....

Court was yesterday at noon. After having to rearrange my class, have my friend skip a class, court is now postponed for a couple of weeks due to the fact that they have to serve the business itself, which is in his wife's name even though I have never met her and didn't even know her first name until yesterday, she has to be properly served and that means a new court date where I get to arrange my schedule yet again and hope my friend is going to be able to do the same. He knew all along that this was going to happen and it's just another ploy to stall and make this take longer and the end result would be me giving up but he doesn't understand that the longer this takes, the more driven I am to nail his ass to the fucking wall and hopefully not only recover even a little bit of money but make him look like the piece of shit he truly is. This guy not only overcharged me like a motherfucker to install a used, faulty transmission in my car, vandalize it but also rob me of 2 months of my life AND still think I'm just going to let it go?! Yeah, not a chance. My parents came but apparently went to the wrong court room. They left a note on my car so I called my Mother last night and found out that yes, they in fact go their income tax and it's spent of course with not so much as an apology for lying to me about paying me back even some of my money. It was just pointless to even talk to her and at least now I know 110 percent that I got ripped off but at least I got my own taxes and was able to buy a beautiful tv and plan on getting my eyes examined next week so I can get contacts. My friend hung out with me the entire day and helped me get my new tv hooked up. I bought her lunch and dinner because she buys me food. IT was so nice to have someone to hang out with on my day off because that never happens.

So I just got most of my math study guide done because there's a test on Tuesday and my first big assignment in computer is done. I got an F on the last assignment so I'm trying really hard to do good on the next ones. Math is going pretty good, not very hard at all and it helps that my teacher explains things so that it's understandable. School isn't too bad, at least so far.

I am very angry, hurt, and disgusted that once again, I gave my parents money under the promise that I would get at least some of it back when they got their taxes but they lied, again. It's no wonder why my family is so shitty towards them. I understand that my Mom has helped me as well but to give someone a huge chunk of money like I did over the course of a month and to know that I'm not getting any of it back makes me want to cross them off for good. I am so tired of them telling me what I want to hear and then after they get what they want, they not only pay me back but play stupid when I'm pissed. It's whatever but I just want to learn from this situation enough that I NEVER GIVE THEM ANOTHER FUCKING DIME FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. I am just grateful that I was able to get back my own chunk of money that I didn't have to spend on bills and actually get to do some stuff that I wanted to do months ago when I started working 2 jobs when the car broke down. I just feel very used and betrayed and it's going to take me a very long time to forgive or forget. It's like every time I turn around, there's always someone to knock me down and make it take longer for me to do what I want or need to do financially. I honestly believe that when it comes to my family, my big heart is shrinking and I just don't feel generous or giving towards them anymore. They have taken me for what they could get just too many times and it's time for me to protect myself from them to the extent that I will no longer help them in any way shape or motherfucking form. I also told her that now that she has my phone number she is not to contact me for any negative reasons whatsoever. I just don't care to hear about their financial problems, their horses or about my little brother acting out because they spend all his money every month and he flips out about it. The only reason I am not completely angry and wanting to tell them exactly what I think of them is because I got my own money and am able to do what I've wanted or needed to do for months now. It's just a cryin shame that the ones who hurt or fuck you over the most is YOUR OWN FUCKING FAMILY!!!!!

I noticed earlier today that my ex made yet another new Facebook page. He was under the 'people you may know' part and I recognized his name and his cover photo instantly and reported it to Facebook. It says that he's in a relationship which I highly doubt but I'm sure he put that on there either to piss me or someone else off or to feel better about myself. He told me for months and even the other day that he's not interested in a relationship so I honestly think for him to put that means he's trying to push someone's buttons.

As far as I'm concerned, I am moving on. I think after how mean he was to me the other day, it was the defining moment that I needed to understand without a doubt that he's no good for me, he's never going to change and the best thing I can do for myself is to let it be what it is and let him go. I've said all this before but it's different now. I don't have the same feelings for him at all. The feelings I have for him now consist of me finally coming to the understanding that it was never going to work and as much as I wish I could go back and change not sticking up for myself and allowing him to hurt me, well, it's time to let the past be the past and just know that someday someone will come into my life that not only wants to be in my life but will do what he can to make it work. I deserved SOOOOOOOOOO much better than what that guy had to offer and I am grateful that it's over. I like being single so that I don't have to focus on someone, spending my free time with someone and I am slowly but surely learning that I do have worth and I'm okay with being single. I do get lonely but I know that it wouldn't be free to someone to try and start a relationship because I have too much going on and I don't want to HAVE to spend time with someone on my days off. I am so comfortable with coming home to an empty house, not having to share my bed or my money that I am not ready for any of that to change. Would it be nice to have some kind of love interest? Absolutely but as much as it is comforting and fun to have a nice person to explore, it's also a package deal where you have to also put up with the headache and stress of someone's bullshit as well. I do enjoy coming home to an empty house where my stuff is exactly as I left it, there's no one here that I will have to socialize with or share my dinner with and then when I get tired, I can crawl into bed, spread out and when I fall asleep, I know there's no one being loud waking me up and disturbing me. It's like the longer I'm single, the more I realize I'm either selfish on a lot of levels or just extremely comfortable not having to put up with anyone's bullshit or annoying habits.

I understand where my ex was coming from when he said a lot of the same things and how he was just so used to being single and not having to consult someone over decision making. I'm the same way to an extent but again, he should have realized all of this before we started dating. I just wish he would have realized his insecurities, dealt with his past and made peace with past feelings before asking me out because all he really did was give me false hope that I would have gotten my fairytale that I dreamed about long before him and I met.

I realize now more than ever that all the things I said he needed to deal with are things that I need to work through before I get into another relationship. I want to deal with my insecurities, rebuild my self confidence, lose weight and make peace with a lot of past memories and feelings before I try and open my heart to someone again. I want to be mentally sound, thinner, happier and a better person overall before I try to give someone my heart. I want to give someone a fair chance and not make them ever feel like they need to make up for the damage someone else has done because that's not right.

My relationship with him was based on both of us looking for fill some kind of void. I was wanting somebody, anybody because I knew that if I found someone, it would keep me from going back to an abusive ex and for him, he was just trying to fill the loneliness. We got together for the wrong reasons and I don't want to ever do that again. The next time I find someone, I want to date them for the right reason because that way there's a better chance of it working out. I've also realized that when I was being abused in my last relationships it's because I didn't have enough backbone to tell them they weren't allowed to talk to me but would just show how wounded I was which made them keeping abusing me because not only did they know they could get away with it but because it made them feel good. I personally don't understand why it would be fun to abuse someone who won't fight back but I'm not an abuser. I do see the mistakes I've made in the past and that's why I want to regain some self confidence so that if I ever come across someone like that again, I will have enough strength to tell them to fuck off. I will NEVER again allow someone to abusive me by either doing it mentally, emotionally or just being overly critical and mean. Abuse comes in all forms and just because my most recent ex didn't call me a bitch, whore, or cunt like the other one did, him constantly criticizing me for EVERYTHING I did or said, is STILL ABUSE!

But yeah, it's been a pretty relaxed day and I'm so glad to just be at home where it's warm enjoying relaxation. It's nice that things are calming down and I don't feel as tired. I'm getting back into better eating habits and that probably has a lot to do with me not feeling so exhausted. My foot condition is improving as well. I really hope that I will be pain free completely at some point. I ate like crap yesterday because of my friend haha but today I haven't eaten anything I shouldn't have or had soda. When I get hungry at work, instead of eating incredibly fattening food and hating myself after, I keep fruit snacks and nutri grain bars in the car and snack on them until I get off work and can come home and eat someone sensible. I just want to get healthy and not be so overweight. I'm so angry at myself for just not caring what junk I've eaten for months and gaining back so much weight. I plan to just take it one day at a time but I know that from here on out, I'm not going to eat anything unless it's healthy and NO MORE SODA!!

So my best friend (my brother's 3rd baby mama that gave baby up for adoption) has a boyfriend. It's the guy she works with. I am happy for her but at the same time I just think it's foolish and unrealistic for her to try and have a relationship because she's still grieving over an ex, is in school full time and works part time and because I think she's just spreading herself too thin. I think it's good though because she has a really nice boyfriend that's good to her, because she's a lot happier now and because she deserves a sweetheart but I just worry that it's not fair to him due to how shattered she was and is over her recent heartbreak and because of her hectic work/school schedule. I was telling her the other night to not get too attached because people wake up to different feelings everyday and she told me I was just being pesimisstic because I got hurt and I'm sad inside. She's probably right to some degree but I worry because I thought my ex and I were doing okay until one day when he decided that us talking about having babies and getting married was "rushing" things (even though we didn't live together and he never spent the night) and I was left heartbroken and I'm still trying to understand what happened and move on. I just worry that she's going to fuck this up by getting comfortable too quick because she tends to get really bossy/controlling/rude with men too quickly and they just get tired of it and end it. I know that she really cares for this guy and I'm honestly happy for her but I just don't think it's going to last long. Either because she'll fuck it up or because he'll be the typical guy and lose interest. I hope for her sake it does work out because she's been hurt as much as me and then some but as her friend, I'm terrified she's going to get hurt. She handles it differently than I do by getting drunk, partying, and sleeping with random dudes wrecklessly by not having safe sex and she just gets to the point where she just doesn't give a fuck. She doesn't really show the hurt verbally like I do but more wrecklessly then I would. I just feel like she's taking on too much and I worry that it's going to end up having it's affect on her relationship with this guy. I like that he treats her as an actual girlfriend by buying her stuff, she spends the night with him, they seem to be doing pretty good so hopefully things will work out for the best because if anyone I know deserves something real, it's her.

It's about 7pm now and I'm starting to get sleepy. I just checked on my laundry and the washer is broke, it said I needed to reset the cycle which I did but it wasn't doing anything and my clothes were sitting in a puddle of water soaking wet so I put everything the dryer but the clothes were soapy still so I'm just going to try and get things as dry as I can and then find places to hang everything. My work shirt isn't going to be dry by the time I have to go to work so I'm pretty pissed. Obviously it's time to replace the washer and dryer but that won't happen so they'll probably just lock up the laundry room for good this time. I think I'll call on Monday and let them know what's going on but now I just don't know about wearing those clothes even when they dry since they didn't get rinsed and I don't want to get a rash because there's still soap on them. This really pisses me off because I'm wanting to go to bed soon so I can't sit up all night waiting for the dryer to dry clothes that are sopping wet. Really fucking sick of dealing with this kind of shit. I'm probably just going to put them out when the dryer stops and get things hung up so I can start getting ready for bed. I have to be there at noon tomorrow so I need to start worrying about bedtime here soon. It's just crazy how when things break, it can be so awful and time consuming to figure out how to deal with it.

So, the dryer is broken. I tried to turn it with my hand and it wouldn't budge so I had to just hang shit all over the house. Nothing that I want to wear will probably be done by tomorrow morning but at least it's clean and the soap is rinsed out.

I'm going to brush my teeth and get comfy in my bed now.