Yesod: The Ninth Emanation. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I pulled a theme card for the day, it was Yesod.

Yesod is the conduit from the higher dimensions to the third dimension. A literal, sentient, gateway. You dream through Yesod.

This card represent a new beginning, a new life, connection, exercising speech where there was only silence.

It is a very fitting card to be pulled today because this is the day that Golnar and I planned to hang out for the first time in almost in a month.

I mean…it’s not the first time we’ve hung out, though. I went over to her house Wednesday night and we smoked a few bowls and just caught up. It was super cool. But today we’re going to go see some of her listings and then maybe go up to Venice. I dunno…we can kind of do whatever we want I guess.

…

I’ve hit this point where I’m low-key freaking out about just walking away from my job and I’m starting to think that maybe I should just go bartend somewhere in another restaurant until I find a full time software job.

I dunno…

I had to get the fuck out of there, but maybe this is a crazy idea?

Or maybe I just need to stop doubting myself and start manifesting the things I need?

I mean…there’s also that, I guess.

…

I have been really busy lately.
Grinding hard on the job search and being social.

I went and saw Avengers End Game last night in I-Max…pre-opening night.
People were scalping tickets for like $1,000.
It was actually really fun…I enjoyed it a lot. Had to fight back tears a bunch of times because it was so much of my childhood hitting me right in the feels over and over again…it was pretty intense, and I was just sitting here thinking that Stan Lee got to see his little baby become one of the most famous things in the world…like, even when I was growing up it wasn’t cool to like comic books, I got made fun of a lot, especially when I started to get into my teenage years. Back when Stan Lee and Jack Kirby first started this whole thing, comics were so taboo…people didn’t know what to make of them, and then they thought they were corrupting children, and then they became this joke thing…and now they are the biggest thing in the world. And to hear the audience cheering and clapping and gasping and woooo’ing…it was just so fucking surreal…and I felt like it was a part of me, because for as long as I can remember Spider-Man and Wolverine and Iron-Man and Cap and The Hulk have all been a part of my life. And I was with them through the rough shit, through the bad times, for almost 34 years now…and I kind of felt betrayed when it all blew up and got watered down and became this Disney thing…but watching End Game, and being a part of that crowd and the reactions and the emotion and the drama…it was just a lot to take in. It really was a lot. Like…these aren’t just some random fucking heroes…these are the realest heroes that I’ve ever known, and when the people in the audience were clapping and cheering for them, I knew that they felt it too…like, these characters are icons and they are part of who we are as a country and now as a world. Ancient Greece and Rome have their Gods…we have super heroes.

Anyway…

…

I still haven’t had a fully lucid dream where I’ve been in control yet, but I am having lucid dreams to the point that they are so fucking vivid and realistic…like, last night I spent a good portion of my time boating with my late grandfather who I love so much. It was probably one of the best dreams I have ever had. He loved going out on his boat so much…he had to sell it at some point, because he was so fucking bad with money haha…he always thought life was to be lived and saving money was a stupid idea…and that ideology has carried over into the way I live my life, for better or for worse. But we just cruised around in the ocean for what felt like hours and talked, and caught up…he asked me about my life and if I was seeing anyone and what I was doing for work and what my future plans were…and it was honestly just like I was seeing him again, except he was more himself than he was the last few years before he went.

It was so beautiful. I wish I could have held on to that moment for a little bit longer…or maybe remembered it a little more clearly…I dunno, I’m crying right now. Fuck, I kind of thought I got over this emotional shit but it’s been coming back the last few days…fuck.

I saw Amanda too…I haven’t seen her in a long time. After I blocked her on everything I stopped dreaming about her for a long time, but in the last week or two she has been coming back, and I know it’s her because I don’t think I would go to her…the dreams are different now…we don’t kiss, we don’t have sex, we just talk.

For as angry as I thought I was at Amanda, I’m not even mad anymore, I just feel sad for her. I’ve hear that her and her son just moved in with her new man, but he’s already been cheating on her. Fuck man.

There’s this huge part of me that will always love Amanda…and by huge part of me, I probably mean all of me. I just love her. I was madly in love with her like I’ve never been and never will be again, and even though the “in love” part has faded, the love is never going to go away, and it will carry over into the next life, just like it carried over from the last, and we will try again…and hopefully next time our challenge won’t be that we’re so broken.

Someone asked me once why I’m still in love with her and I just told them that this entire life is just a fight…like, you know how couples have fights sometimes that can last for days? Well, soulmates have fights sometimes that last for lifetimes. So…I’m not worried about it. I’ve already forgiven her, we’ll be together in the end, and that’s really all I care about.

I don’t want to keep dreaming about her though…If I can go fully lucid I’d like to go visit her and ask her to stop, at least until she’s going to come to me correct.

…

My bookmarks number just keeps growing and it’s becoming this looming, daunting task that is secretly whispering in my ear “you’re a piece of shit for not reading anyone else.” But the truth of the matter is that I didn’t start this up to read and be read, I started this up because I needed somewhere to write where I knew I wasn’t going to need to burn any journals afterwards, and I needed a safe place to express some of my feelings that I can’t really express to anyone else, and even though some of you are my friends in real life, we have been friends for over a decade now? (holy shit) and I know you mother fuckers is cold as ice and know the rules of Fight Club.

So…I will read you when I can, I really will.
I’m sorry I lack.
I still love you all though.
I’ve just been fucking with me, reeeeeeeal heavy, lately.

…

Oh, and as for you?
Yeah, YOU you.
As always, thanks for listening.
I am so grateful for you.
You give me everything and ask for nothing.
I only hope to be enough.
Love you.
-Dane

Last updated April 26, 2019