Astral Projection in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I did some astral projecting last night.
Traveled to see my boss and talk to her about everything.
She said she knew that everything was out of her control and she knew everyone was pissed off but she doesn’t know how to handle it.
I get it.

I’m going to go in tomorrow, but I’m going to let them know that I’m sorry for what I said but not how I said it, and I’ll let them know I can finish out the week if they want me to, but I’m a rational person and I’m not THAT emotional, and the fact that I was pushed so far to the point that I reacted in such a manner probably means that I’m not in a healthy environment and I should probably bounce house.

So far my parents, Golnar, Austin, and Deanne have all basically told me “Maybe this is a sign that you’re finally really done with the service industry and it’s time to move on.” and then Austin said, “I can stay where I’m at, not making money, because I am working on being management there and I’m not going to get kicked out of where I live, my mom’s not going to make me by homeless if I can’t come up with my share of the rent.”

And when he said that, I realized “Holy shit, his reasons for staying are the same reasons why I need to leave!” Like, my parents aren’t going to kick me out. I can just walk away from this job and be completely fine.

Plus, I have at least a month worth of savings…and you know what, does it suck to burn through my savings? Yeah, it totally fucking sucks, but I’ve kind of already done that this month working at this bullshit fucking job, so I could either spend this next month grinding hard on finding a full time job and working on this website I’m building, or I can spend this next month hating where I’m working, and scrambling to divide my time between building the website and hunting for a job.

Even if I don’t find a job after a month, I have credit cards still…so I have like three months to live off of.

And, if I go into extreme lockdown mode and start cooking at home all the time (which I could do if I wasn’t working) and stop going to coffee shops and getting expensive four shot iced mocha’s, and just lay off the weed except for when it’s offered to me…I could honestly probably last another six months without a job.

Plus, I can take freelance gigs.

Like, I’m spending a lot of time and energy on this MaximumReach gig, but there’s this website where you can go and take smaller gigs, and bid on them, I just haven’t had time to pick any of those up, but I can start doing one or two of those a month for $1 or $2K a pop if I’m not bartending and I try to under-bid everyone.

You know…the more I start to think about this, the more and more it seems like a good idea.

…

Golnar and I have actually been texting kind of a lot, and I talked to her on the phone for an hour the other day…and it’s really nice. Yesterday I told her how much I miss her…and she said that was good to hear, she was worried maybe I didn’t. And I told her I was worried she was never going to talk to me ever again…and she was like, “Yeah, I was worried about that too.”

Life is so weird.

Love is so weird.

Sex is so weird.

One of my oldest friends hit me up over messenger yesterday. I haven’t seen him in years and we don’t really talk often, so it was kind of out of the blue. He was in Ireland and very drunk…he was lamenting over borders and the separation of humanity and he was wondering why we can’t all live in peace and harmony, working together towards a common goal.

I was like, “What would anyone get out of that?”

And he didn’t really know how to respond.

I told him, “Look, I feel you man, and I like where your head’s at, but peace and harmony is some big boy shit, that’s some fourth dimensional shit. This is the safe place to make mistakes, this is the place where you learn the value of peace and harmony by living in the dissonance between creation and destruction. It will never be peaceful here, because that would be missing the entire point of the simulation.”

…maybe I’m too hard on humans sometimes.

Maybe I should have just said, “Yeah, man…you’re right. I wish people could all work together towards a common goal, too. I wish this world was full of peace and harmony and love and good vibes and empathy and hugs and smiles and fucking laughter all the time…I really wish that, man. I really really really REALLY fucking wish that. I do.”

But then what?
What else do you say?

“But, tough shit!”

Is that how you finish that musing?

“I’d like a million dollars, but fuck me, I make just enough money to be broke at my parents house. I guess life just doesn’t work out the way we’d like it to. Waaaaah waah.”

I dunno.

I think accepting that life is hard is probably the best route to take. When you accept that life is hard, and it’s hard for everyone no matter how much food, money, water, or sex they have, then you can begin getting rid of that bullshit victim mentality that America seems to be so in love with.

I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but this country just feels fucking sorry for itself.
You’re not cool unless you have it worse than someone else.

The other day I was taking my morning handful of pills, and I was looking down at it and I was just like, “God damn, this is a ridiculous amount of pills.” So I took an instagram photo of it with some weird caption about licking tears off someone’s face, because I like everything to be weird, and this girl who I met through Brittany commented “Some of us don’t have money to pay for insurance to fix our brains!”

I was like, “Are you insurance shaming me? Hahahahaha.”

She was like, “No, I’m just pointing out that some of us don’t have the luxury of insurance.”

So, I asked her, “Why? Why are you pointing this out on my post? This post wasn’t about insurance, it wasn’t inviting a pissing competition about how bad my life is compared to yours, it wasn’t about you in any way…so why would you even bring this up right now if you’re not trying to shame me because you have it worse than I do somehow?”

She didn’t respond…and it’s fucking stupid of her to bring up because she knows that I live with my fucking dad…and insurance is a huge part of the reason why I can’t afford to move out, so…

…also, that dumb bitch hasn’t actually been diagnosed with anything but she goes around listing off her thousands of diagnosis…she also likes to occasionally blanket post about how queer she is when it’s a trendy time to do so, however I have never seen her date or hook up with another girl…oh, and the reason why she doesn’t have insurance probably has to do with the fact that in all of the years that I’ve known her she has never had a job.

So…

…I forgot what I was even talking about in the first place.

…

Yesterday was a good day overall, good friends over at Deanne’s place. We just smoked a ton of flower and had so many snacks and a ton of Caine’s chicken fingers and cookies and we watched Pineapple Express and Disjointed and Up In Smoke…it was super fun.

4-20 is one of my favorite holidays.
They set up a bunch of DUI checkpoints but I don’t think they even arrested that many people because we’re all chill as fuck here.

Drinking is for the birds.

…

Okay, so I guess I should start getting ready for Easter dinner/my sister’s birthday.

So I’m going to go.
Maybe I’ll write later, I don’t know.
I do need to put some regular clothes on though.
Maybe comb my hair or something.
Look like a human.

I love you.
-Dane