My Heart is Breaking in Inside My Head

So the IUI wasn't exactly a failure. I did get pregnant but it is likely a chemical pregnancy. I hadn't gotten my period since January 14th and the doctor's office insisted I get a beta hcg prior to resuming treatment. So I went on Thursday and during the day on Friday while at work I got a phone call from the office saying that I was pregnant. I was stunned, elated, excited, and terrified. They suggested I get a repeat beta so like a crazy person I ran down to the ER and grabbed my favorite ER doctor, and asked her to draw blood on me. The office called me back saying that I should get another beta the following day, not that day. So I basically told the ER doctor my life story and slightly embarrassed myself for no reason. I couldn't sleep last night I was so giddy. I think I got maybe two hours of sleep.

I went back to my hospital's ER today to do blood work since I was working and couldn't take the day off. The first beta was 63 and I spent the better part of my day praying this beta level would be at least 120. It came back at 54.7. I wanted to start crying right in the middle of the ICU.

I'm really regretting ever telling the ER doctor I work with because now when she eventually asks how everything turned out, I will tell her the truth, and will have to suffer through one of those horrible pitying looks. I don't want to hear "Well at least you got pregnant," or "You can try again in the next few weeks." I want to cry. I'm tired of trying. I want a baby.

I was a fucking idiot and looked up what my potential due date would be -- it wouldve been October 21st, almost 3 weeks after my 32nd birthday. I feel sick. I can't even looks at kids (even at myy nieces) without feeling like I got punched in the chest.