Eish... in Life as I know it...

We have a wonderful little word here in South Africa which can be used to convey an enormous array of emotions and feelings, or even just as an exclamation, "Eish". I think it's probably Xhosa or Zulu slang, but it has crossed all cultural groups and languages in our Rainbow Nation and is used by everybody. Today, I'll be using it to convey a feeling of disappointment, confusion and a general "ah, fuck...". So clears throat... Eish, shit is all crazy up in here.

If you read my last entry regarding the exchanging of emails between Joey and I, then I have one or two updates for you if you desire to hear them. Sooo, while she sent the email re : her dreams, I was busy typing an email as well and only after sending it did I see her email regarding the dreams about our engagement and so forth. I sent her a couple of paragraphs to express just how the ending of our relationship is one of my biggest regrets, as I had in part caused it due to my severe depression and frustration with life, and that I know that both of us hope that we will one day end up back together. She replied by saying that if she were to agree to the hope part, it would be unfair towards the person she is currently in a relationship with, but that she is sure I already know the answer to that and included "only my psychologist knows the truth."

I am one of the few people who are so damn lucky that they got to experience "love at first sight" and had the pleasure of experiencing the very essence of love, the purest form of love, between myself and her. She would be the first to agree with that, and has done so already. She dreams about me every week and cries when she wakes up, she has said to me that she has spoken to a friend and told her that she knows that she will never again experience that true love and love at first sight again. We are soulmates, through and through. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced and if only she had come across my path at least one year later, I have no doubt that I would not be writing this entry right now, but would have her laying by my side, safely wrapped in my arms. 110% right girl, wrong place, wrong time.

My mind has been fucking with me these last few days. I keep wanting to check my email inbox to see if she sent something back, but I need to stop. I keep thinking about her, all these memories are rushing back. She's leaving for Thailand next week to go teach English for a while, I think maybe a couple of months to a year. I wonder if her boyfriend went with her. God, I don't want to end up one day, married and with children and be frequently reminded of the one that got away. There is obviously something in this universe that is not allowing us to get too far away from one another, because she keeps having these dreams and some days I think of her a lot and then I receive an email from her telling me all these beautiful things. A couple of months back I walked into her once a week for 3 straight fucking weeks and it's not like we live around the corner from one another either. She's at least a 25 minute drive away.

Just after we broke up, which must be just over a year now, we were still sending each other messages of how we hoped we would get back together one day and have little Joeys and Adriaans and we'll make a Christmas bed every Sunday and read them stories, but she is with someone else, and at times, it absolutely kills me. I hate thinking about another guy touching, kissing and being able to hold and love her and the fact that she still has these incredible feelings for me, but suppresses them while she is with him also sucks. I think about her pretty much every day, and I know the same is true for her, but I think that's enough of that for now.

In other news, my dumb ass dropped my backpack containing my water bottles and my car keys, remotes and home keys down a fucking mountain. Yes, that is correct. I have enlisted the help of my father to go and find it tomorrow morning. I know where it is, but I can't get there by myself as it fell down a probably 6 meter drop. So tomorrow morning we will be heading out with some ropes to try and rescue my keys and save quite a bit of cash money. This should be interesting, as it took my ass 90 minutes to get up there and another 90 to get back down, so I guess I don't have to worry about doing cardio tomorrow. My quads, glutes and calves are already quite stiff and sore from the first hike and quite a bit of DDP Yoga these last few days, so I think there will be a fair amount of limping involved tomorrow.

Anyway, I think that's it for today. Thank you for taking the time to read all the crap that comes pouring out of my mind. Have a lovely day.

Adriaan.