2/20/14 in Letters To My Wife

As I am sitting her writing this entry, you are laying in the bed next to me, taking a nap with the puppies. You really didn't intend for me to be sitting here I suppose, but it doesn't seem to bother you. I still can't decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. As for me, I am two days removed from my first psych appointment, and it went pretty well. I talked for an hour about all the things on my mind: the situation with our marriage and you and W (as all these things are invariably tangled up together), the living situation, school, my past, my family history, and me. I talked alot about myself and how I feel. Still, the one thing I don't think I talked about as much as it is on my mind is how I feel about you still. What I would give right this second to reach over and touch you. To turn you over and wake you up with a soft kiss. To take you in my arms and hold you. To touch you all over and more. I want all of these things and have little hope of ever experiencing them again. My doc, when I told her about the situation here, referred to your ability to carry on the relationship with W in the same house where we have lived and loved and been married for years as "stone cold". In a way, I can't disagree with her. Like I told you, even with feeling unloved and unattractive, which I have felt for years also because the more you resented me for it the more I shied away from showing you how I truly felt, I could still never do this to you. I have too much respect and love for you to ever do that. And it scares me that you can. It really makes me wonder what I really mean to you. You say that you love me, if only as a friend, but there is alot of this situation that makes me wonder if you want to destroy me emotionally and mentally. I know you just want to do what is right for you, but at what cost? Is it worth it if you lose me forever? The one person who knows you better than all others, who would alter his life for you and take care of you whenever you needed? Just for more sex and someone who cleans up more than I do? I wonder if you think about that. What I think about is that I wish you had just given me a little more time. It seems to me like, as soon as a guy came along who could meet your needs, you jumped ship head first. You couldn't wait to jettison me. Sure, we still live together and are still married in name, but what do we have together really? Am I going to stare at you and love you unrequitedly from now on? If this change and I am a happier person, will that change how you look at me? You loved me once. Can you really say you never could again? If so, I have to wonder if you ever truly loved me as much as I loved you. Then again, could you have ever loved me as much as I loved you. I have worked two jobs, put my school on hold for years, so you could get through, finally find a job that suited you, and now you are making more money in a year then I was in two years at that time. I dealt with your doubts about yourself as best I could while dealing with my own doubts and fears, and apparently depression. But when push came to shove, I always came home to you. No late nights out, no disappearing, no coming home drunk, no cheating, I came home every time. Just like I would come home to you forever, even now. Even with the other guys and hurt that is between us. I would keep coming back here forever and ask for more. Because I truly love you more than anything. At this point, all I can hope is that someone believes all that is good enough, even though it wasn't good enough for you. If that person were you, I would die happy. When I said I do, I meant it forever, come what may. Unfortunately, too many people lack the strength to say I do and follow through with it. I hope you are strong enough to be one of those people who meant what they said. If not, it still doesn't change how I feel about you. I will always love you, and seeing as I do not attract women to me, you will be my one and only love forever. I just wish that was enough for you.