Final conversation in Riverdale

Final conversation and life doesn't need to be so hard

So u got wasted last night. Drank to bottles if wine and drunk dialed my ex. Oops.

I had my last conversation w him all numbed up. He said he threw my stuff (necklace and boots in the garbage) than said I need to move on and why haven't I moved on.

Thankfully I was drunk so numbed up and void of any pain anger in the way. I told him he was a coward, that he got these other chicks ie his foot soldiers to hurt me. How can he be so evil and cruel when all I did was love him and care for him. He said he had just moved on. I said you don't wanna be with me fine you don't have to discard me. Man up and tell me and at least give me my shit back. I said he's a bad mean person. That god is disapointed in him for treating people this way. He said tell god to go in a waste basket. Immature like a little child. Than he changed the subject and said oh I head your cat how is she how is she? I said none of your business anymore. Good bye and I will try to forgive you. Say good bye.

I did it for me In the end. I needed to toss back the shame he put on me. The hurt anger that I was carrying around. I needed to talk to him free of any delusional girls that believe he loves them more and I am some crazy chick. Because I was that delusional chick too. Hating on the girl.and I did. And I this can help me move forward move on. I really still need to get more in touch w my anger.

I hate in some ways that I wouldn't stop calling him it was if I was on auto pilot but I realize now. I was traumatized by this man. My body my mind needed to confront him. Have a safe place just me and him no other people who have nothing to do with what he did to me and tell him what I think of him how I felt and find out what happened to my shit. Because the necklace and my favourite boots were cherished items to me. I needed to look evil and cruelty in the eye and hear and see him for what he is. No longer the person he was as much as he tried.

That probably scientifically my "crazy" reaction was a trauma reaction. The compulsion to confront to make sense of what happened to me. Intellectually I know I was deceived betrayed used and conned but because he never directly talked to me and got other chicks to tell me off and he always seemed to be protected by them because he's lying and manipulating them as well or maybe they are just as bad as him as well who knows. He needed to face what he did and I forced that. I knocked down his boundaries just as hard as he constantly knocked mine down while he was presuing and abusing me. I was trying to get the power back. He needed to hear what I had to say. Regardless of whether he wants to whether he cares understands he needs to know. He didn't just hit me once or unintentionally hurt me he systematically abused me and tried to ruin me for his own selfish pleasure and needs and was a coward about it. He could not justify his actions he could not really accurately articulate his reasons he could not condone it other than saying he had "moved on" bullshit if you have moved on why are you staying on the phone why are you acting all concerned and interested in my cat for? Why don't you straight up tell me it's over. He couldn't do any of that. It was all just to hide run away and hurt me. Try to make me believe that I am crazy I am the bad one for having feelings and actually giving a fuck. Because that's what normal people do people who are decent people. I know I would not react this badly if he even callously told me bye and broke up w me. I would not feel the need to call him if he spoke to me directedly and respectfully and honestly. Which it seems for some reason in his sick twisted mine to be not an option.

I needed to prove to myself that I never did anything wrong that I was lied to. That I was conned very very well. That he is really good at deceiving and manipulating. Even as I talked when he started to ask about my cat I started digging my nails into my wrist to try to prevent myself from giving him more ammo to prevent myself from giving in to him just because he was being nice and acting interested in me because I knew it was all a ploy and manipulation to get me to drop what I was saying to loose my ground.

I bawled my eyes out to a crisis line afterwards. It hurts in some ways because I have not talked to My father in two years. My father also has abandoned me. Which reminds me that I told him that he abandoned me and he denied it. The funny thing was he was pretty quiet as I explained myself as I told him how I felt he was listening maybe he was stunned or taken back or something but as I argued w him he eventually just could not say anything at all. He had no wise words or ploys or hurtful things to say. His voice remained pretty calm and "friendly". He became a coward with no words to say. He became weak.

I really truely want to get over him and leave him in the past. I hope and feel like this is done I need to let go and stop now that we have talked one on one. That was the break up conversation finally. I said what I needed to say. I had his attention. He heard me. I told him the truth. There's no loose ends. He threw my fucking shit In the trash and he expects that I will tell him how my fucking cat is? Who does he think I am? He showed his true colours mostly with his pathetic attempts to disarm me. But he doesn't have power over me anymore.

I also told him that no one is special to him. If he can drop me and his wife and kids how special can this next person really be to him. I guess to show him and tell him that I don't feel worthless or pathetic for him dumping me. That he doesn't have the satisfaction of seeing me cry and beg for him back and act like he is so important and that I am not. His actions show he wanted me to believe I was worthless by treating me so badly but I have seen him do it to so many people that I don't take it as personally anymore.

Though it brings up old wounds of my father abandoning me. Who's just as much as a scum bag as O.

He got pissed eventually and hung up. I think realizing he couldn't win. Obviously he doesn't care. And I am well on my way of not caring much either.

I needed to do this. I don't regret it.

I was not going to just back down and skulk away Iike a lil puppy. I guess me telling him what I know about him as well it's like I wanted to Make it so he knows he can't fuck w me like that if he so chooses to try to get back in my life. I wasn't going to go quietly. Even if in his eyes he thinks I'm "crazy"

No in the end I did this for me. I wanted answers I wanted to tell him what I needed to say no holds barred.