Work, Life, Love in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Woke up this morning; Puppy is dead to the world asleep. I’m able to go to the bathroom, comb my hair, brush my teeth, take my pills and all of that before she even starts to get out of her bed. I put food in her bowl and water in her dish and she doesn’t eat, but takes a few sips of water. Then walks over to the door. I let her out, walk outside with her, and she sniffs around for a few minutes before peeing. It was the best Potty Training moment we’ve had with her so far. From indicating at the door, to not wasting 30 minutes before evacuating, to actually peeing. All good.

After that, I brought the puppy back in to the bedroom and drove to work.

As soon as I sit down at work? Judge sent two e-mails. Both were positive, forward action on cases that DHS has been asking me about since early March. Things are off to a good start today.

It is funny. There are a number of reasons for this decision, but we invited MBFITWW to visit this weekend. One reason: He hasn’t seen our basement completed. Another reason: He loves dogs. Another reason: Wife is going to game this weekend and I’m staying home to watch the dog. Best Reason: Now that Nala is getting comfy with us and with her home… we need to make sure she can/will be okay around other people. We can’t raise her and just hope that she doesn’t have a problem with meeting strange people. ESPECIALLY if we ever want to introduce her to our parents or our niece! BUT here’s a good example of who MBFITWW is. We invited him on Monday and he accepted. Tuesday, out playing in the yard, Nala was timidly aggressive as children walked past our yard. Like… backing away from them but barking and growling… noises she hasn’t been making until then. So I texted MBFITWW to let him know that we’ll have to take introductions slow to make sure it is a positive experience. He told me that he had already bought treats to help her associate his presence with GOOD. That’s my buddy!

To turn to a more appropriate capsule summary of last night:
I returned home late. I had a stupid Internet Security Required Learning, so I sat through a 20 minute video explaining Phishing, Spear Phishing, Smishing, Vishing, and Dishing. Got home hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.

I arrived and things were somewhere in the middle. Of course, when I got home… Wife was crying. She was on the phone with her mother. Nala was on the couch, just chilling, watching Wife… doing very much the Dog Thing of “I’m watching you to make sure you don’t leave the room without me.” Something I found very surprising was that Nala did not jump off the couch and run to the door when I arrived. Methinks the dog’s natural affinity for empathy was working and she knew “I need to stay by Mamma right now.” Either that or the dog has become so obsessed with the couch that she wouldn’t have left it for anything in the world. lol.

After Wife got off the phone with her mother, I asked how she was doing. In that frustrated “I can’t believe I’m crying” voice, she said that she had been perfectly fine all day! But when her mother called to check in on her and the dog, that’s when she started crying again. Because she wants to be so much more than she is. She wants to be a good Dog Mom, a good Adult, a good Wife and she just… is realizing that she’s been failing and not doing enough to be better. So she’s feeling like a failure, worrying if she can do better, and worrying about what if she can’t? She stood up and gave me a very big very long hug telling me that I was a wonderful man for being so caring, patient, and supportive. We kept taking care of the puppy and watching Jeopardy and discussing Wife’s day. She mentioned that she would have preferred to get more done around the house but felt like watching the dog was more important. I interjected, asking if Wife had put Nala in the three season room that day. Wife had, but for less than an hour. I encouraged her that, even though Nala will whine and cry and bark and scratch and have issues… it is in our and her benefit to give her some “forced alone time” so she can learn to “self soothe”. In the long run, that’ll be better for everyone! If she can emotionally withstand us being gone for an hour, 2 hours, 3 hours, 4 hours, 5 hours, 6 hours… that is going to be SO MUCH HEALTHIER for her. Just like it’ll be good for us because it will allow us to do things like go to the gym or store and visit friends and go to the theater and all the other things that people do.

Then Wife did something I didn’t expect. She’s been analyzing her reaction to Puppy almost 100% through the lens of “If I’m like this with a dog, how awful a mother am I going to be?” And through that lens she started speaking yesterday and I now finally know FOR SURE where she is on “do you want to have kids?” She was lamenting her shortcomings and anxieties and fears and then admitted that she knows how I feel about kids (because we’ve talked about it.) That I’d be cool having kids, but it isn’t the Be All End All of being married or being in a relationship. Apparently, she really wants to. She really wants to have kids because, as she said, “Despite my (Wife) own fucked up stuff, I’d love to have a part of me in the world. And a part of me that is also a part of you (me) would be amazing. I want that. I want that so much. But I’m so terrified that I won’t be able to handle it. My mom had postpartum and I’m clearly not emotionally strong.” And I think that is another reason why we needed to do puppy, we needed to do puppy now, and we… she needs to succeed with Puppy win/lose/or draw. Because if she wants to have kids… she needs to start working. She’s got a lot of work to do on herself. And while she’s known this, she admits that she’s rarely been pushed past her fear. And while it would be easy for me to wash my hands of it, I volunteer to take some of that responsibility. As “the man with a plan”, I’ve been happy that she’s more or less been willing to simply follow me from place to place. Can you imagine how much more difficult the last many years would have been if I had supported my wife to conquer her fears and start making something of herself? I mean… if she had an established career that she enjoyed in 2011.... if we got married, I would not have gone to Omaha for law school. I would have stayed in Des Moines. Or while I was in Law School… if I had pushed her and she discovered a career she loved in Omaha… I would have been screwed! Law Jobs in Omaha for someone interested in Prosecution?? Fuck!

Which is, of course, why I’m pushing her now. And frankly, I do think (ethically) I need to admit to some selfishness there. I am finally where I want to be. Right Job, Right Community, Owning a House, Owning a Dog.... the life that I wanted is finally becoming a reality. So… now that my own House of Cards is standing, I’m looking at my Wife saying, “Where’s yours?” Granted… adult individuals shouldn’t need someone pushing them constantly to become adult individuals. But isn’t that incredibly bloody hypocritical coming from me? I’ve needed people pushing me my entire life. Fuck, I genuinely needed all of Prosebox, my entire family, and a therapist before I felt I had permission to leave the toxic, awful, God Forsaken Chinese Firm. I do see how that is different, but do you see how that is the same? I was living the life in the “path” that I wanted, but I was taking a HUGE wrong turn. I needed a HUGE push to get me back on track. Wife doesn’t even know the “path” that she wants. So she needs a HUGE push to help her start walking.

I appreciate that people will say, “This really should have been the final straw. No sex, no compassionate involvement, now she can’t even emotionally handle owning a puppy!” But… there’s something that I’ve been really awful at communicating.

Wife’s issues about the Puppy? This may not be complimentary but it is certainly true: Wife cannot relate to other humans directly. She does an EXCELLENT job, though, if a movie or an animal or a book are involved. I could have told her time after time after time after time (and may have) that she needs to do a better job taking control over her life, or showing love or compassion to other things, or being attentive to people that aren’t her.... on and on and on. Add in a non-human life form? Wife’s specific phrase has been, “I’m terrible at making sure I’m okay, how am I ever going to keep a puppy okay?!” Or how about this: Wife is almost always just “happy to be in the same room” with both of us on opposite ends of the couch watching TV. Enter the Dog. Wife has been sitting close, intentionally touching me, doing things like a “normal girl that wants to connect with her husband.” Because the Dog shows her how disconnected from others she is. Or my favorite. In our entire lives together, Wife has almost NEVER asked me about my day. It is something I’ve given up on. Honestly. If I want to tell her about my day, I’ll make sure to volunteer information. But I never expect to hear “how was your day?” Last night, she asked. After speaking to her about crying on the phone with her mom, getting a de-brief about the dog, all of that. I was playing with the puppy while Wife was doing dishes and she just asked, “So how was your day?” I didn’t make a big deal over it but honestly, my mind went straight to “Wow, she’s finally asking.”

Now… don’t misunderstand! I AM NOT SAYING THE PUPPY WILL SAVE OUR MARRIAGE! To be honest… the house and the puppy? That is less about “what our marriage needs/wants” and more about “what I need/want.” Without Wife in the picture, I still would have bought a house last year. Maybe not the same one, but I would have bought a house. Without Wife in the picture, I still would have desperately wanted to buy a dog. I would not have, true. But I would not have because it is cruel to buy a puppy that you spend less than 2 hours a day with. Seriously… that is a shitty thing to do to a puppy. And if I wasn’t married… I’d spend more time at work, more time at the bars, more time playing video games, more time visiting friends. But I’ll be honest… I am the kind of person that genuinely believes my life would not be complete without a House, Dog, and Entertainment Room. Those are the three things by which I measure “Am I Adult?”

Before I leave, I just wanted to share a few things that I hope/plan to make happen.
(1) Calling the Local Vet to set up Distemper/Parvo inoculations. for around 4/13-ish
(2) AT the vet, get a Puppy Check Up done because I’m worried about her back legs (she army crawls more often than not)
(3) AT the vet, discuss local puppy training and socialization classes
(4) AFTER the vet, contact the Cedar Falls Private Obedience Tutor

Because it is my hope… my desire… that within the FIRST TWO MONTHS OF OWNERSHIP… we can start the puppy with strong, healthy steps towards proper socialization with other people and other dogs while also getting her trained up. I don’t expect her to be a dog that knows “Sit, Stay, Drop, Come, Drop It” within her first 8 months of life… but if we can start towards that… if we can at least work TOWARDS the dog being an 8 month old with impeccable training… that gets us closer to have a 1 year old dog that is well behaved, intelligent, and knows how to appropriately dog.

P.S. Not that this is really MY news to share but I’ve heard, insofar as it goes to discussing emotional sensitivity, my Wife did start her period on Sunday. So… arguably, that may be impacting her present reactions.

Last updated April 03, 2019