Dating in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

So…dating…what a topic.
Why have I decided I want to start dating all of the sudden?
I don’t know…maybe it’s the episode I have every spring? Maybe I just want to fuck?

I’m intimidated at the thought of getting intimate with someone, though. My meds have kind of killed my sex drive, but since they lowered my anti-psychotics it’s gotten better, and since I’ve been going to the gym every other day it’s gotten better…

…I decided to take it a step further and I decided to quit porn.

I’ve had some bad sex addiction problems that have really fucked up my life in a lot of ways, and that’s a huge part of the reason why I haven’t been having sex these last three years…but the addiction just translates into porn, and especially taking away the alcohol…porn, coffee, and flower are all I have.

But, I came to the conclusion the other night that pornography was poisoning my brain and numbing me out.

“Over stimulation numbs me” or something like that.

I know my whole idea of sex is warped…a lot of that probably has to do with the fact that I don’t feel 100% comfortable in a human body and I know that my sex drive is hormone driven and it just comes with the vehicle.

However, I also know that sex is an important part of most relationships, so…I should want to have sex…I guess…so I will do whatever I can to increase my desire.

Who knows, what if my desire to have sex comes back and suddenly I want to be with Golnar?

I don’t know.

But, back to the dating apps…I’m honestly just putting my feelers out right now. I don’t think I can handle a relationship at the moment, or probably even anytime soon, but if I happened to chance upon someone who I make THAT connection with…that unspeakable thing, pheromones, sexual chemistry…whatever…if I find that person, I’d be willing to get to know them and take things super slow, haha.

Maybe I shouldn’t be on dating sites right now…but I think I have a date on Thursday, and she’s beautiful and seems cool, but I feel like I am probably too weird for her already, so I am going to try to do this new thing where I hold information back, and we’re going to see how that goes. Because, I am not good at holding back, and I am not good at little white lies, and I am weird. I know I am weird because I have been told enough times by enough people that, mathematically, it must be true…I must be weird.

Okay…

Anyway, we are going to get tacos on the date, so I don’t really care how it goes, I’ll be happy. AND, all of the women I’ve gone out with in the last year or so have wanted to split everything so that’s fucking awesome. The future is dope, we’re all so poor.

That’s the fun thing about living in Southern California…it just keeps you so poor.

…

I’m glad I went to the gym last night, even though I didn’t want to, because I felt really good during and after. I’m never taking a break from working out again, it was terrible.

…

I feel like maybe I had more to say, but maybe it was all just dating stuff…Hmmm, lame.
Well, I kind of feel like I’m either going to take a nap or go get coffee…and since coffee is one of THE NOW TWO things I have left, I will probably get coffee.

OH WAIT! THAT REMINDS ME!

I also have sleep! WHICH REMINDS ME!!!!

Golnar is very talented with her psychic abilities and astral projection and lucid dreaming, and she came to visit me in my dreams Sunday night, which was actually really cool because I remember some of it, and I remember showing her that I could fly which I am proud of because it took me forever to learn…anyway, there is more to it than that, but it’s not important, what’s important is that she got me all hyped up on lucid dreaming again.

When I was like ten or eleven or something, I was going to see this hypno-therapist, and at some point he told me about lucid dreaming, and he taught me to do reality checks, he said you should read something and then re-read it and if it changed, you’re dreaming.

Well, I tried but I think ultimately I could never keep up with the reality checks for long enough to make them a habit…but last night I just found out about some other super cool reality checks that you can do, and I’ve been doing them today, and I am going to learn how to lucid dream consistently, because I’ve only done it twice and both times when I realized I was dreaming I was so stoked that I woke myself up.

Okay…that’s all.
I’m really going to fall asleep at the computer if I don’t go get a coffee right now…and I have fucking code to write, a website to build, and new languages to learn…all in the next five hours.

Wurd.
I love you.
I’ll see you in your dreams once I get this figured out, okay?
-Dane