Last Little Bit in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Saturday we went to counseling. Counselor said we’re doing well.
Then we went to look at Puppies. We didn’t need to. We weren’t obligated to. It was something that Wife said she was ready to do. Of course… she didn’t know as much as I did what “looking at puppies” meant. She was only 40% sure that we’d leave with a puppy. I knew that the odds were much higher. Wife has trouble emoting with/for/around people. She does not have that problem when it comes to animals. In fact, the most empathetic and emotionally connected she’s ever been to anything was when we were taking care of Hope for my parents many years ago. Hope had been diagnosed with a Sarcoma in her arm withing 24 hours of when my parents were supposed to go to Hawaii. They asked us to Dogsit and help the puppy out. Wife taking care of Hope, wrapping and unwrapping bandages, helping her get around the house, and then when the Sarcoma spread and the entire leg had to be amputated? Wife felt so bad for Hope and almost didn’t want to leave the cage at the vets. But when we collected her the next day and Wife could see that Hope was happier and healthier than she had been all week; Wife was happier. Yeah, Hope was now missing a front leg… but she was a lot happier now that she wasn’t sick!

(Pic: Wife and Hope)

So when we discovered that most of the dogs we liked on-line were gone, Wife was more than happy to look around at the dogs remaining. And that is how we got Nala.

You likely read the entry describing Wife’s meltdown. The entire time of it, she was just thinking of all the ways that we could ruin the dog. That she won’t get enough love, or exercise, or we’ll mistreat her, or we’ll not spend enough time with her. Then those thoughts spiraled into thoughts like: we won’t be able to do what we want, we won’t be able to go to the gym anymore, we won’t be able to go to our DnD game in Des Moines, we won’t be able to go on vacation. Then those thoughts spiraled into thoughts like: What kind of a terrible person thinks these things, what kind of monster bitch thinks ‘oh no a dog, now I have obligations’, that makes me such a selfish terrible person. And of course those thoughts begin a loop because (1) What if we mistreat her? turns into (2) This is an obligation, oh no! turns to (3) I’m a terrible person for thinking of her as an obligation! returns us to (1) I’m a terrible person that may mistreat her? And now you know why my Wife melts down. The cyclical catastrophizing when she gets what she wants. That’s why last year’s job chance and this Puppy are such pronounced examples. If it’s something she doesn’t want or is upset about? Yeah, she has a cyclical pattern. We saw it in her feelings about Wal Mart. Despair leads to Anger, Anger leads to Rage, Rage leads to Numbness, Numbness leads to Sadness, Sadness leads to Despair.... and we start it all over again. But that was always just Emotional Content and Emotional Response. NOW we’re getting to what are these thoughts, specifically, and where are they coming from?

The entry about the dog was written around 2:00 on March 31. We picked up the dog around 4:00 on March 30th. So… yeah, a complete melt down within 22 hours of adopting a puppy is… certainly not the sign of a healthy adult. But even within that time, Wife made large strides. And I failed a few times. Saturday, Wife is too cold to sit out with Puppy. I don’t have that issue. Though Wife is super concerned because Nala isn’t eating, she isn’t playing, she isn’t behaving like “any of the dogs” wife has known. But that’s to be expected and exactly why I wanted to start Wife on a puppy. The dogs Wife has known were raised to a certain point before she ever interacted with them. A Puppy is a creature that is still learning how to Dog. Imagine if, at 3 years old, you were separated from the home you’d known to be swept off to a new home, in a new city, with new people that you’d never met. It might, you’d expect, take a while before you were a scampering, excited child, yes? Same with Puppies. But of course… seeing the Pup so vulnerable, Wife freaks about all the ways she thinks she herself is a failure and will fail the dog. So, Sunday morning, to encourage bonding.....

Sunday morning I woke up first. Fed Nala her breakfast, took her outside where she didn’t use the potty, then brought her back in. She started to poop on the wood floor. I grabbed her right as the first poo came out and rushed her back outside. She did not poop. I sat there, explaining to her that I know she had more poop in her because the tiny piece that fell out of her wasn’t all of it. After 20 minutes in the yard, she did the biggest poop that she’d yet done at our house. I gave her a treat, petted her, and welcomed her back inside the house (where I quickly cleaned up the poo). Nala quickly pranced back to her bed so she could go back to sleep. Instead, I picked her up and set her next to Wife on the bed. Nala snuggled into Wife in a very “You’re warm, you’re my pack, this is where I want to be” way. I got back in bed and returned to sleeping as well. All told, Nala was on the bed for approximately 3 hours.

Then we have the rest of Sunday. Where I introduce The Room to Nala… the room being a pre-prepared Puppy Room in events where Wife and I have to leave the house… this cuts down on Separation Anxiety Destruction while still maintaining an appropriate space for the dog. We started that with a few minutes, than a few more, all the way up to a thirty minute period. Each time, we would have her in The Room. Shut the door. Wait the required amount of time, then go in again. We’d give her a treat for being good. Spend time with her in the room to let her know that it was an US place and not a SEPARATING YOU place. Then we’d bring her back into the living room for a bit. Then back out to The Room to do it again for more time. Until we had to go to the Grocery Store. Wife was worried and thought maybe one of us should stay home. I encouraged her that it is good for the dog to be faced with the Separation Anxiety so that she could learn we WOULD come back. In other words… Wife and the Dog need to be intentionally faced with challenges that they are expected to overcome. Grocery Store and return; things were fine. Puppy was in her bed, chilling, and was happy to see us return. But as the day continued? Melt Down Day. And the more Wife railed against the idea of being responsible or being able to adult or being a good pet mom or doing anything at all.... the more I drank. Because when she talks like that? I feel disgust. Disgust, Disappointment, Disrespect, Disillusioned, Disenchanted, Disenfranchised, etc. etc. etc. And I know that hurts Wife. It really hurts her when I’m to a point where I can barely tolerate her. So instead I drank.

Well, bad call.

March’s Hurry plus Dog Stress plus Alcohol? When I woke up Monday morning on the couch, I had no voice. I called in to work and walked into the bedroom. Wife had put the dog in bed with her for the whole evening. I got in bed and crashed out. A few hours later, Wife wakes up and I rise with her to help her take care of the dog. Wife tells me that she slept better than she’d ever slept before. Having the dog there with her was amazing. Though, she did acknowledge she set a bad precedent because the dog should NOT be in our bed the whole night and the dog needs to learn to sleep in her own bed. Anyway, we do morning dog routines and Wife goes to the chiropractor while I continue to try to encourage the dog to be an outdoor pooper. Wife comes back and says she has a therapy appointment at 11. I knew this already and was glad for it. We discussed the appointment and kind of pre-gamed it. She wasn’t going to ONLY talk about specific things, but was going to open herself up to the larger idea of what is going on. Also, as to the pupper, we were going to put her in The Room. She needs to spend at least an hour a day in there to appreciate that sometimes… the humans leave. But always… the humans come back. Problem… I didn’t think that through well enough, I think. Because we put her in the room… Wife went to the Computer Room for her Skype Appointment. I fell asleep on the couch (ill, remember). Well the couch is near The Room, so Nala likely could smell me. AND the Computer Room can likely be heard from The Room. So… Nala knew we were there, but that she was in The Room. So she barked, whined, and tore up all the newspaper in there. A much more intense Separation Anxiety episode than when we went to the grocery store!

Both Wife and I went into The Room (it is our Three Season Room) and sat with the puppy and discussed her Therapy Session. Her therapist told her, “Look at this as an area where Failure is not an option. Stop focusing on the ways in which you might fail, because failure is not an option. Instead of focusing on how you could fail, really put your energy towards creating plans and taking steps that will lead to success. Don’t focus so much on the What Ifs of imagined failure that you don’t take the Positive Actions of Intentional Success. We discussed a lot of that together. And how, once again, our background situations were so very different.

I hated being a boy scout. Hated it. I’m a theater camp kid… not a Boy Scout Camp kid. But from the age of 5 to 14.... I was required to be in Scouts. Because my brother and my Dad were Boy Scouts. And if it was hard, or I didn’t like it, or I wanted to quit? I couldn’t quit without permission. So I had to do all those camp outs, all those scout camps, all those merit badge ceremonies. I was miserable. Bad enough to put a kid that doesn’t want to be there in a canvas tent, in the dirt, while it’s raining. Even worse when the surrounding boys are criminals, perverts, and worse. That isn’t a hyperbole. Of the boys my age, one had already been convicted for breaking into the school to steal computers. One had been convicted of trying to show his penis to other boys and attempting to solicit homosexual services. One was such a destructive and mean-spirited boy that he was basically locked into his sleeping bag at night to make certain that he didn’t accost any of the kids while they slept. Oh, and don’t forget… my Dad is actually friends with one of the Scout Masters that eventually got convicted of molesting boys. And this is just my “I was in Scouts” story! I also have “I was required to go to Church Camp” stories. And my “If you climb the stairs to the high dive, you’re required to jump. You’re not allowed to walk back down” story. And all the myriad other stories of “You’re doing it because it’s a challenge!”

Meanwhile, Wife never had that experience. She had the “One time during her 8th Birthday Party she felt overwhelmed, so her mom let her excuse herself from her own party.” She had the “Only Child didn’t grow up with many other kids around”. Sure, she didn’t live a charmed life. There were times that weren’t perfect and events that broke her heart. But she was never forced to follow through when challenged. She never had the experience of “Break this rock with your head”. One of the reasons I like Klingons and can relate. The Klingon warrior does not argue about the task but completes it with honor and strength. The Klingon warrior slams his head against the rock until the rock is dust. This is one of those places where I think Video Games have helped me in ways that I wish Wife could appreciate (and play video games). The year was 1994. I had purchased a PC Version of Mortal Kombat II. It was a very challenging game. I wanted to beat it. I really wanted to beat it as Shang Tsung (still has never happened) but more than anything… I wanted to beat the game! The tower was typically easy enough. The challenge Kintaro! I could never beat that giant tiger stripped asshole!! I poured hours of my life into defeating him. KNOWING Shao Khan would be harder. When I finally beat Kintaro, I had put so much work and so much effort into it that I had to tell someone. I called my best friend at the time and his response was “So?” But I had finally figured out how to use Kitanna’s Fan Lift and Fan Throw to defeat him. Challenge is merely an opportunity for perseverance, ingenuity, and success.

Towards the end of the night, we talked to my parents. They had raised several dogs from varying different ages. Dad was quick to say that, as far as the bonding and the interactions we were describing? Both us and the dog are doing really well. And as soon as we get her the last batch of her PARVO/Distemper shots… we’re going to get her into an Obedience School and look into getting a fence up.

Last night, after dinner, there was a moment where we were playing with Nala where Wife got quiet and started looking off into the distance. I asked her if she was freaking out, and she admitted it. But then snapped out of it, because the puppy was being adorable and doing this deer-like bunny-like hop-run movement towards her to lick up her face and then lay down next to her and put her head in Wife’s lap. One of the other big reasons I honestly think Wife needs a dog. I may spend too much of my time in The Past re-thinking strategies. Wife spends too much of her time in The Future worrying about all the ways she could fail, could let people down, could become worse. A puppy is very much NOW. The puppy will help me stay NOW and should help Wife stay NOW and.... we could both use that!

Kitana vs. Kintaro in MKII

Nala exploring her yard

Nala sitting pretty