Mental health update in Musings

For the past several weeks I started noticing I just wasn’t coping well. I was drinking alcohol every night to numb the anxiety and constant voice saying I’m not doing enough. Nathan was out of town last Saturday which left me alone to put the girls to bed. Alex has been particularly difficult lately and it took literally hours to get her to settle down and quit jumping on/hitting/kicking her sister. After she finally got quiet I started downing rum and coke. But my body hates when I drink that much at once and I ended up puking all over the bathroom.

I hadn’t been done long when Nathan came home a little earlier than expected. I ended up drunk yelling at him that I wasn’t okay. He did get a bit defensive at first because I brought up the fact that he’s been playing video games even more than usual instead of being with me and the kids. Which is true and he admited. He has a new position at work and it’s particualy stressful at the moment.

The more we talked the more he calmed down and just listened to me. He didn’t realize just how much pressure I had been putting on myself. How much pressure I always put on myself. I told him I really needed help and he agreed that I should look into counseling.

I ended up signing up for Better Help. It’s all online based so I can do it from home. Which takes to pressure off from having to find someone to watch the girls etc. I’ve been matched with a counselor and sent a message or two back and forth and I’m waiting to schedule a live session with her.

I don’t know if it’ll be worth it but I feel good knowing I’m at least taking a step in the right direction. I haven’t had any alcohol now in over a week. And it feels good honestly. I will probably never go without it completely but I needed something to get me to not feel dependent on it every night. I’ve also been back on track with getting up every morning before the girls get up and journaling and having some quiet time.

I’m trying at least? It’s something.