This Knight's Tale in Ultimate Randomness

So I don't know if I have mentioned the movie in my writing before, but A Knight's Tale starring Heath Ledger is one of my favorites. It has heroics, a fun story, jousting, an ability to be funny and dramatic and manages to incorporate modern music into a story about knights and jousts. And of course, the love story is not too bad either. Which is one of the reason I was writing this entry. One thing anyone should know about me, first and foremost, is that I do have a bit of a hero complex. I like to see myself as the hero of my own story, as I think most people probably do. I try to live by a code of honor of sorts. It really isn't more than to treat people well and leave them better than when I found them, even if it is at the cost of my own well-being. Yes, I do want to leave a lasting mark on the world, which I hope I can do with teaching. I really want to not just improve my students' knowledge, but improve their lives every day. I really don't want any student to go through the pain and self-doubt that I have for most of my life, apparently with good reason. As it turns out, I am now clinically diagnosed with massive or severe depression, however you want to look at it. And this is not a recent development. It has been around for about 15 years and has probably played a role in every negative thing in my adult life, from failed relationships to problems with school and misery at work and so on and so forth. Right now, while I understand how this has affected my relationship, I wish my wife had been able to see it and not take my downs so personally. Still, I should have sought treatment much sooner than I did. Maybe it would have saved my marriage. Maybe not. Honestly, I don't know most days whether or not she likes me, loves me, or wants to destroy me emotionally. I highly doubt the last one, but if you have read past entries and know the situation, perhaps you can understand why I would wonder. One thing I do know is that whatever she once had for me is probably gone forever. I can't even begin to describe what I would give for even one more day and night of how she looked at me when we first got married. Honestly, it is hard for me to remember the way things used to be. And when I do see that look in her eyes now, it is for someone else. Which brings me to the other part of the movie I was speaking of. There is a scene later on in the movie where, after proving his love for Joselyn by getting his ass kicked by her command and then winning when she changed her mind, Joselyn sneaks into William's tent that night to give him his "prize". I should point out that I am not talking about the sex, which isn't shown. While I would like that, that is not what I am most wanting for myself. What I want is the look that she gives William when she first sees him sitting in bed. I would give anything right now for someone to look at me like that again. Like I was truly wanted. Not just as a friend, or with admiration for my smarts or kindness. I do get those looks, along with some that are not so positive. I would give anything for a woman to look at me like she wanted all of that all to herself, and for me to want to give that look right back to her. Like she was the greatest prize I could ever ask for. Sometimes, I wish my wife would have looked at my eyes more often, because if she had, she would have seen all of that there. Yes, I should have acted on my feelings more and given her the emotional and physical confirmation that she needed. That was one of my greatest faults. Not the only one, but one of the biggest. But if she had really looked at my eyes, she would have seen everything I felt for her there. The love, the lust, the longing, the look like she was the prize I was given by life for doing things right. Then again, maybe I just think all those things were there because I always felt them all the time. I still feel all of those things for her. But maybe all she saw was blankness. I don't really know. Still, I cannot describe what I would do for someone who looked at me like that again. And honestly, most people think I will have that again. I am not as sure. I still don't know how I will deal with dating when I get to that point. Honestly, I have never asked out a girl who said yes. My first girlfriend asked me out. My other two relationships started as talking online. So frankly, I have a fear of rejection. Probably something to do with being rejected alot. I know any woman would be lucky to have me for my good qualities. I do have alot of them. I have some negative ones. Sorry if this is all TMI, but I am not so experienced sexually. I am more than willing to try most anything and do most anything, except pain. Pain turns me off. But if there is something in particular a woman likes, I am more than willing to try. Probably it is some compensation because I am not particularly equipped. Less than 6 inches. Small. My wife never complained, but sometimes I wonder if she was just being nice. Still, like I said, I am more than willing to experiment or not, whatever a girl is into. But between small unit and lack of experience, I can see why a woman would be cautious. And I can get wrapped up in other things alot too. I get into video games and reading and math and teaching so much sometimes that I forget everything else going on. I need to mitigate that some, but I definitely am able to if given a reason. Fact is, all I would need is someone to look at me like Joselyn looks at William and I would probably be all in, as long as I was attracted to her. Obviously, it would not work otherwise. There has to be some physical attraction. But if that is there and I got that look, I would give all of myself to that woman. After all, its not like there is anything to be greedy for with me. I will never be rich. I have no money now and I'm going to be a teacher. I am not ridiculously good-looking, so a woman couldn't be into me completely because of my looks. I'm average looking, being honest. Not bad, but not super attractive. Maybe I will post a pic sometime so everyone knows what I am talking about. So if a woman is into me, it is more likely than not because she likes me. Anyway, we will see how things turn out. I hope I get what I want someday. I feel like I deserve it. I am a good person and no matter how bad and negative I feel, I know that for a fact. I am a damn good guy. Anyway, here's looking at you. And as William would say, "A man can change his stars." Pray that I change mine. Good night all.