Sorrow in Current Events

My heart is breaking. My mother texted me the other day asking me when I was free to talk. This morning when she called me I assumed that she either wanted to apologize for the mood swing last weekend or that she needed me to help her with something. I am so glad that I took the high road with that mood swing that she took out on me because… she really did need me for something that I never would have expected in a million years.
She started new medication for her allergies and is experiencing some of the side effects. Which includes anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts.
“When I am laying in bed listing off the things that I could do right now to make myself and my situation better… I can’t bring myself to get up and move. I am just hurting too much and it makes me think of you because I used to watch you go through this all the time when you were a kid.” My mother does not have a lot of experience with depression.
“My chest was feeling so tight and I was so scared and I didn’t know what to do. That’s when I realized that it was anxiety.” My mother does not have much experience with this either. “You have been through so much adversity in your life and I am so proud of you for being able to manage this.”
“I can’t connect with people at work. I feel so alone with this and that is why I wanted to call you. You have experience with this. When I am thinking about how alone I feel my mind keeps saying that I should just end it all and that is not who I am.” This is her first experience with suicidal thoughts.
This woman was 17 when she dropped out of high school to raise me. She made a choice to make a life for me and my siblings and here she was explaining to me how she keeps thinking about wanting to kill herself. She is my rock, she is who I think about when I need the inspiration to be strong. I gave her all the advice that I give everybody else and then some. People are drawn to me when they’re hurting. It’s my “gift”? She quit her medication and it will leave her system eventually but all those things on her mind that she shared with me… will still be there.
I had no idea that she was so human. I had no idea that she was having such a hard time trying to make a connection with people. Especially at her work. The majority of the people that she has to deal with are mellanials and she can’t seem to not offend them. She is insecure about her ability to express herself without coming off the wrong way. I explained to her that mellanials can barely connect to each other without drugs, alcohol and social media and being offended is the only way that they know how to get attention. They live in comment sections for crying out loud. She was ready to explain to those women what she is going through… like no, do not give them anything that they can use in the court of social media. They’re not tossing and turning at night thinking about how they might be offending you when they give you dirty looks in the lunch room. They’re only thinking about themselves when they complain to each other about you behind your back. Why do you need to be tossing and turning at night worrying about how you might have hurt their feelings?
I had to cut the conversation short because I had to go to work. I am so glad that I got to share my advice with her on how to cope with her anxiety and depression. She showed up to my work and brought me flowers to show me how much she appreciated it. However, she said something like “I want you to think of me when you see these.” Then walked away crying. I took the flowers into the office, I shut the door behind me and I broke down and cried. Like wtf was that supposed to mean? She did say that she wanted to work more on expressing herself. She has a tendency to come up short in explaining what she means without hurting somebody, so she feels. Once I collected myself I gave her a call to thank her again for the flowers. She told me that she realized how cryptic her comment was and that her plan was to make my day brighter. She only had tears in her eyes because she was so happy to give me those flowers.
I spent the rest of the day so worried about her. Her boyfriend came home today and I called my sister to make plans with her tomorrow. Maybe a day with her granddaughter will give her something to look forward to. Do I low key have her on suicide watch? Yes. Like 10% but I am not sharing this with the rest of my siblings. Even though I am still worried. Those thoughts creep in so damn hard and so damn fast and though she is a strong, powerful woman… mental illness does not care. I am going to call her tomorrow and try and talk her into seeing her doctor. I want her to join a program or something. There is a community of people for us that struggle with mental illness and we do not have to take this journey alone. We are not alone, we have resources. I will go with her. I do not think that this all medication. She is starting menopause and the thoughts that upset her are still going to be real for a long while. We need to process them and develop better thoughts and habits.
I might be in over my head with this or I might be making this a bigger deal than it is. I am just so hurt that she is going through this. I know that she feels embarrassed about the flowers now. I know that she is too proud and does not want me to worry about her. I don’t give a fuck about anything right now. Just her and her well-being. This journey is relatively new to her and I want to hold her hand every step of the way. My mind keeps going to the worse case scenario here and I can’t even stomach it. I just want her to be okay. I do not even care about my problems anymore. They mean nothing to me. She means everything to me.

Last updated March 23, 2019