Trembling and Regrets... in Life as I know it...

I'm busy trembling all over. This morning I got an email from Joanne, telling me that she still keeps dreaming of me and that it is like I come to visit her in her dreams it's so real. She said she had a particularly "unreal" dream last week. I replied by saying it's strange how these things work, as I have been thinking about her a lot lately and as a result started writing down our story together (The "Familiar Place" entries). I also asked her what the dream was about.

I went to go see my psychologist today. He practices out of the clinic that I have been to twice and where I met Joanne the first time. Every time I drive through those gates, all the memories just come flooding back. After I came back, I had this nagging impulse to send Joanne another email. I kept putting it off until I just sent it now. It was quite deep and I said how I hated what happened to us as we had this incredible love for one another and everything just felt like it was meant to be with her. I told her how terrible I felt and how we ended up was one of my biggest regrets. I told her I'd leave the ball in her court in regards to whether she wants to stay in contact or not.

As soon as I sent the email, a reply popped up that she had sent while I was busy typing, sent only 2 minutes before I sent my email. This was her reply :

"Last week I dreamt we got engaged in these amazing, magical rolling green hills & last night I dreamt we were playing cards with a group of people but it wasn't so much what happened it was the feelings that went along with the dream that were so intense & felt so real. It was honestly inexplicable.

Anyway, hope all is well with the new job & the flat hunting is going well. I didn't want to tell you about these dreams but I felt I had to on every level for some reason. I'd like to ask you to please not reply.

Take care"

I immediately emailed her back and said I only got her reply now just after sending the email and apologized. Fucking hell. I wish things hadn't ended the way it did. If only we had met a year later. If only, if only, if only. 110% the right girl, wrong time wrong place. I had a very good relationship with Caroline, but it was nothing compared to what Joanne and I had, and to be honest, I think a part of me was trying to replace Joanne. I even called Caroline "Joanne" once, luckily she was cool about it. It was in the very beginning of our relationship so it was just a slip. It happened once before where I did the same thing to a girl in high school by calling her by the name of the girl I had previously dated. It took a bit more apologizing to get me in her good books again though.

Motherfucker, how will I ever forgive myself for fucking up THE BEST relationship anybody could ever ask for? She was, is and will always be "the one" and I think we both know it. This sucks. Blegh.

Have a lovely day.

Adriaan.