Grumble in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

So… not surprising… and not new… but.... I need a vacation.

Obviously. I’ve already said that exact thing this week. But I’m making “bad choices” in response and that doesn’t help anyone. You see… last night… after spending a solid 4 hours with Wife watching TV, I decided… y’know what? I don’t want to just watch tv every evening when I come home. So, even if it upsets wife… I’m going downstairs to play video games. Because I want to! And I do. And I have three drinks while doing so. And at midnight, Wife comes downstairs to tell me I need to go to bed. And I tell her, “No.” I wanted to finish the specific portion of the game I was playing (I was just before a boss fight). So I finish that, go upstairs, get in bed. When I wake up this morning? She’s sleeping on the couch, the bed looks tossed, and my throat is killing me due to post nasal drip.

And the question that Wife asked last night: Why?
Why do you play video games instead of watch TV with me?
Why do you drink the way you do?
Why do you spend time in different worlds?

Because I need a vacation. And every time I mention planning a vacation, it starts a fight. And again… hear me… this isn’t because I don’t like my job. I do like my job. Hell, they’ve even offered me another raise (effective July 1)! Consider my last seven years… hell, longer!

(2007)After college, I was a telemarketer and it crushed my spirit.
(2007) I quit that to go work at Best Buy… an okay job, but I wound up in the warehouse… being required to lift/move refrigerators and ranges by myself (remember my chronic pain issues?!)
(2011) Then Law School (hard) simultaneous to celibate marriage (hard) and working in the Omaha Jail (hard)
(2016) Then to work in Tiny Town as an Assistant County Attorney (working for an absentee, senile old lady and fighting a board of supervisors that treated me like an unnecessary budget expense)
(2017) Then to work for Chinese Firm (working for immature, inexperienced, semi-slave drivers with no intelligence)
(2018) So working here where I’m not yelled at for being 20 minutes late, where my opinion and experience are respected, and where in 1 year’s time my salary has/will increase by $15k… it’s good. But every job has its stressors and being Special Victims Prosecutor has unique stress. Plus… when you consider that life has been almost entirely push push push for so long?

Before law school: push, work harder, study for your LSAT and get into law school
During law school: push, work harder, class ranking matters in job searches
After law school: push, work harder, you need to pass the Bar Exam and find a job!!
Tiny Town Job: push, work harder, you need to teach yourself how to do this job since no one is helping you
Chinese Job: push, work harder, they keep riding you telling you how much you suck and you can do better
Marriage Throughout: push, work harder, your wife is miserable and as her husband you need to help fix that

I’m just… I’m a little pushed out. So yeah… instead of sitting on a couch with my Wife watching TV, I’d prefer to play video games… she’s welcome to join me! She can come down and watch videos on her phone, or play video games with me, or watch movies on her laptop, or read a book, or anything. And in the absence of a satisfying sexual relationship, I reluctantly allow pornography to fill a sexual need. And in the absence of massages and affectionate pain-relieving touch from Wife, I reluctantly allow alcohol to numb that physical sensation.

So… maybe that’s what I should write today. Something for counseling. Because counseling tends to start the same way for us… Counselor wants to know how things have been since we last talked. That’s our opening to discuss what has been bothering us.

BEGIN

Well, we had a few dust ups the last few weeks. I think it all started when I got home from work and (Wife) told me that she had gone to the local animal shelter to see about volunteering. I was really happy for her, y’know, getting out of the house, looking to engage in life. But she quickly followed it up by confessing that even that small activity gave her a bit of a panic attack that had completely derailed her entire day. And I’m ashamed of myself for how that confession made me feel. Because I went a little cold. Instead of empathy or concern, I just felt… “fuck, here we go again. Another long list of reasons she can’t engage in her life. Another fight about why she doesn’t deal with this shit in her individual counseling. I’m so done with all of this.”

Then, looking at my EXTRAORDINARILY busy March calendar and already having trials scheduled in April, May, June, and October… I realized how desperately I could use a vacation. And we have an offer of a free flight and free accommodations to Hawaii paid for by family, not some Condo Sharing company or something!! After everything we’ve been through and all the hard work… it is well past time for us to take a vacation!

So, I asked (Wife) about scheduling. There is a Prosecutor Training at Okoboji in June that I want to know if she wants to attend with me, and then I was thinking about going to Hawaii in July (over our anniversary) because with the Holiday on the 4th, we’d get more time as that would be a “free day” where I don’t have to take time off from work.

THIS caused a fight. Trying to schedule our lives… to schedule in something fun… caused a fight! Because (Wife)’s response was “Well, we’ll see if I’m in school at that time.” I lost my patience because… I’m trying to get my/our schedule together. If she’s going to start school IN TWO MONTHS she needs to actually put some work into it!! And… the whole thing was just… it was a tipping point! Here I am… trying to live life, build a life, and actually live… and (Wife) is still stuck at “I want something to change but I don’t know what and I don’t know how and I don’t know if I want to put any work into making it change.”

So right then and there, in the middle of talking about going to Hawaii, I brought up class calendars. I asked what classes she was thinking about taking, from what university, in what term. She didn’t have an answer. Here she is, mentioning “maybe doing classes” in a way that she suggests should fundamentally affect our schedule planning… and she hasn’t done anything to actually get enrolled in these classes?!

AND DURING ALL OF THIS, she’s already mentioned moving again so we can be in a town with more opportunities. In Omaha and Des Moines, where there were plenty of opportunities, she didn’t do anything. In IF, she hasn’t even looked into what opportunities exist. But she already mentions moving? Despite the fact that we own a lovely house, I’m doing the job I want to do, for people who are worth doing it for, where I’m being especially financially rewarded? It just feels to me like (Wife) is looking for some kind of change in her life, but she isn’t talking about the deep issues with her counselor, she isn’t putting in the legwork to affect any change, and she’s just kind of waiting around hoping something happens that suddenly fixes things.

I’m just… I’ve lost my patience and tolerance for it. I am at the end of my acceptance for “wishy washy, I don’t like my life, but I don’t know what I want” non-committal non-action. It feels like for our entire marriage, I’ve watched (Wife) slowly lose more and more of herself… from someone who had hobbies and interests and life to someone who doesn’t have any of those things and isn’t even sure if she wants to. From someone who had martial arts, and photography, and libido, and curiosity about life.... to someone who mostly just lives in fear and uncertainty. I think I’ve tried a lot to help with that if I could… but I’m starting to think that’s been hurting. If she isn’t the driving force, the legwork, in changing her life… it isn’t going to change. And we keep coming back around to it: She’s fearful and uncertain. So talk to your counselor about it. But it doesn’t get discussed per what (Wife) tells me. Because (Wife) is fearful and uncertain about bringing it up. Well… I’ve reached the point where I honestly said the words, “Get your shit together.” Because that’s where I am with it. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’ve got shit that isn’t together, too. But when “Free Trip to Hawaii” starts a fight, then there’s something seriously wrong that needs to get sorted. When instead of “growing together as a couple”, it has been watching (Wife) shrink more and more every year, then there’s something seriously wrong that needs to get sorted. And as much as I adore my wife, and I do… in a lot of ways. She has a lot of really great stuff going for her… but I’ve seriously run out of patience on this whole… constant state of existential uncertainty.

END

We’ll see if I can even get that out there in Counseling. I mean… I really don’t want counseling to always be or always feel like a “beat up on (Wife) thing” but… at the same time? I’m done. Yeah… I imagine Wife (or any partner I’d have) would have a list of things for me that aren’t ideal… lose weight, engage in the relationship more, drink less, be more social, be tidier… I know I’m not perfect. But (and if I’m wrong, call me out) those seem like minor, every-day relationship issues. As opposed to what I’m bringing to counseling which… feels like big, heavy, weighty stuff.

Interesting office environment right now. In the midst of all of this SUPER BUSY, it is actually almost eerily quiet.

Boss left to take his wife to the dentist and will be gone for the rest of the day. No worries, one of the things I absolutely LOVE about this job is that we’re allowed and expected to have lives outside of work. BIG fucking difference from working for the Chinese!!

But also, in tragic news, our Victim Witness Coordinator (and guy that makes the Domestic Violence stuff SO MUCH easier for me) has experienced a truly heart wrenching loss. His wife had long been battling Cancer, spending more time in the hospital than out, and they were really hoping to take her home soon… knowing the end was approaching, they were at least hoping she could die at home. Unfortunately, she passed Monday morning before she could be transferred out of the hospital. This man truly deeply adored his wife and was passionately servant hearted for her. I can barely begin to imagine how absolutely gutted he is feeling.

So… our office is fairly quiet today. VWC is, of course, not expected (or required) to come in to work this week. Sometimes I don’t know if that is better or not. Lord knows if Mom goes before Dad, Dad will just throw himself into some kind of work project. But everyone grieves their own way. I hope he’s processing okay.

So, this’ll be a total turn around from the previous item:

Is anyone else a member of Old TV Show Facebook Fan groups? Like… if you were super into Melrose Place or Friends and so you’re part of a Fan Group on-line or on Facebook?

Well… I am a member of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer group on Facebook because, yeah… loved that show but had to “hide it” in a lot of ways. Just like all of my other nerdy things… I learned that you had to HIDE IT or people would target you BECAUSE OF IT. Probably the biggest reason why I still fight my Gatekeeper Instinct when someone beautiful announces their own geekiness.

I’ve mentioned my introduction to Buffy story before but as a recap:
I liked the movie, don’t judge. Back when Cable TV had a scrolling “TV Guide” Channel, this new station “WB” had slated “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and it was scheduled from 7:00 to 9:00. AWESOME! I get to watch the movie! I turned it to the WB. Instead of the familiar Medieval-ish scene… it was a really shittily lit high school hallway. Okay… weird. I switched it back to the TV Guide Channel, yeah “Buffy” and slated for 2 Hours so… what the hell? Switched back to the WB and watched up until Darla attacks the student. I thought, “Okay. Must be some error or something. Oh well.” I turned off the TV and did something else. UNTIL
Back then there was a Public Access TV Station that would air a show from our local comic book store every Saturday. One of these shows had a Buffy Fan on and listening to that interview, I got REALLY interested in seeing this new television series based on the movie. So I got really into the TV series starting Season 2 and I watched Buffy Season 2 through 5 religiously as it was airing. Same with Angel Season 1 through 5. In fact, Buffy Season 2 was the first DVD I ever bought! So… when I also bought Season 1 to see what I’d missed… I found it funny that what I had been watching those many years ago on March 10, 1997… WAS Buffy the Vampire Slayer… the first ever airing of the pilot episodes Welcome to the Hellmouth and The Harvest. FUNNY.

ANYWAY… so I’m part of the fan site. And typically, it is awesome. It is really cool to see all these positive stories from people on who they’ve met, what costumes they’ve made, what books they’re reading, what episode really mattered to them, all of that. But some times? Sometimes I want to say things but don’t.

Like… every time some 20-something or Teenager posts and says (I kid you not, this was a real post)
“Season 1, Episode 6 Buffy says “I cannot believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully me.” I love X-Files! Did anybody else catch this reference?”

It’s just… jaw dropping. Really?!? I appreciate that you’re young and experiencing the 1990s for the first time and decades later but… you’re asking a dedicated group of Buffy Fans, many of whom were avid TV viewers in the 1990s… if they “caught the reference?” Why not also ask if we realized the girl in Cruel Intentions also plays Buffy? I mean… I didn’t say anything… because I feel like a dick thinking that… but still… I’m just kind of… gobsmacked at the comment. AND desperately hoping this person doesn’t do this kind of post repeatedly. Because then I really will need to say something. Like, seriously, is she going to say in the next episode “Season 1, Episode 7 Buffy says “I’m not gonna be fighting Friar Tuck.” I love Robin Hood! Did anybody else catch this reference?”

SO… the following comes from just being reflective. If it upsets you… actually, I don’t care.

If I were to Weird Science a partner… it would still be like my Wife in a lot of ways… but NOT like my Wife in a lot of ways.

Wife Like (Even if Wife isn’t like this anymore):
Martial Arts background, experience, and expertise
Artistic Ability and Enjoyment
Interest in Science
Interest in Cleanliness and Tidiness
Enjoys Fantasy Genre and Science Fiction Drama
Reader
Curious Disposition
Drive to Exercise and Improve

after writing it out… honestly… I think it would be almost exactly wife but for a handful of additions and subtractions.

I’d remove Wife’s lazy streak. She even admits to being lazy and… no duh. When you sit around the house and don’t look into classes, or follow up on volunteering, and don’t call the plumber you’ve been saying you want to call, and don’t cook what you say you want to cook… I mean… yeah, honey… I know you’re lazy. And I wish you’d do something about it.

I’d add an interest in fashion. Not the “Watches Project Runway every week” interest Wife already has. I mean like… take the sewing skills Wife already has and use it to make clothes; or go out and buy stuff that looks good… or something. A Fashion Sense to do something more than “sweats if inside, jeans if on a date.”

I’d remove Wife’s social fear. I wouldn’t necessarily be thrilled if she was out having a night on the town every evening… but… make friends… develop relationships outside of your husband. Thank God we’ve both got strong family support… but… she doesn’t even socialize there! She doesn’t talk to my folks or my siblings, she doesn’t talk to her folks… I’d say, largely by her choice, I make up about 98% of all human interaction she has in a given week.

I’d add an interest in video games. Or at least tweak the interest Wife has right now. Wife could play her damned mobile phone games for years on end. Sudoku, Dots, etcetera. But… lady! What about all the rest of video gaming? There’s Action Games, Action-Adventure Games, Adventure Games, RPGs, Simulators, RTS, MMOs, MOBAs, Sports Games, Puzzle Games, Platformers, FPS, Fighting Games, Survival Games, Sandbox Games… and if it exists, we probably ALREADY OWN a version to try out. Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Playstation 2, X Box 360, Playstation 4, World of Warcraft, Star Wars: The Old Republic.... sitting and staring at a TV is like appreciating water on an aesthetic level only. Immerse yourself, man.

I’d add an interest in sex, obviously, but more… I’d add an interest and genuine authenticity about my emotional well being. And when I think about it… that’s the funny and sad thing. I look at this list I wrote for no real reason and understand the reason.
My wife is practically perfect for me in a lot of ways. But her self-sabotage is awful. And I wish she’d take an interest in me… in my hobbies, in my needs, in me. So I guess… that’s what’s going on. I love my Wife but recognize that however she got to the place where she is… she’s hurting herself and hurting our relationship.

This fun little exercise did not end up where I expected it to.