For Kristo's Sake! in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

So… if you’ve read my previous entries… you know that today was going to be a tough day.
A weekend filled with insomnia. A weekend filled with bad decisions in attempting to treat that insomnia. A Monday just filled to the fucking brim with hearings. SO a tough day before I even woke up.

However, I got to the office? Tough day made worse.

GIANT question mark case that may or may not go to trial this week? Defense Counsel can’t find their client. MOTHER FUCKER. Obviously, I don’t blame the attorney. But… seriously. In your job, day to day, you may deal with Adults that act like intellectually disabled children every once in a while. In my job, it is every day, all day, no fucking exceptions. IF you are charged with a criminal offense… STAY IN CONTACT WITH YOUR GODDAMNED ATTORNEY! Pretending the problem doesn’t exist and running away? Yeah, congratulations, you fucking child. Added to that, over the weekend… the Stir Crazy of this month… the same bullshit that kept me from sleep… expressed itself in other people’s homes as violence! 21 year old female dating a 29 year old male… male is drunk, female is “actively blocking his ability to leave the home and drive away” so Male throws her into the snow. As she doesn’t want charges pressed… the hell am I supposed to do? BUT y’know my Felony Jury Trial at the end of the month? Defendants in that trial (drug charges) decided that they couldn’t wait for the heat to die down… so instead, they assaulted each other. I have NO DOUBT as to what happened. Male in this case has been difficult, belligerent, and demanding new counsel since before I even took this job. So what happened over the weekend? Argument between defendants where Female slapped Male and Male grabbed Female by the throat and threw her across the room. Neither party wants charges filed. It is fairly obvious to me what happened… Male wants Female to perjure herself in his trial, she said no, he got violent, she tried to stop him. BUT as neither individual is likely to cooperate because “working with the police and county may prevent their successful drug business”.... I have to figure out how to handle this!

Frankly: I do love my job. I’m in the right position, in the right county, and I have a house. But between the weather, my body, my wife, and my case load? I’m ready for SOMETHING to start going right. Even if just a little bit. Why, oh why, is it so difficult for some people to follow the law? I acknowledge the hardship placed on those that live in poverty… I do. But if you live in poverty… don’t do or sell Meth. Involvement in the meth-trade will only make your situation FAR worse. And that is the giant underline here. The majority of people I deal with here aren’t “drunks with tempers” and they aren’t “bad people being bad.” The majority of people I deal with here are Meth Addicts whose lives are controlled by Meth and Bad Decisions. I just want to scream CUT IT OUT. I know I’m not perfect. I know that coming from wealth as a White Male gave me privileges many others haven’t any notion of. But at the same time… I have equalizers. I have a history of chronic “unknown ailments” that kept me in hospitals as opposed to running free and happy. I have an extreme pain disorder that sometimes completely immobilizes me. I have a marriage in the absolute dumpster. AND YET? I fought my way, tooth and nail, to get an education, to get my law degree, to get the job I wanted. Life isn’t perfect and I did have help… but my situation isn’t so blessed as to be ideal. If I can fight past blinding, mind erasing pain to achieve my goals… you can fight past poverty… you can accept the extended hand begging you to get help with your addiction. For God’s Sake… if I could go to a facility, accept government sponsored help, and not be in this agonizing physical pain all the time? I’d leap at the chance. That’s what I don’t get.
I pay for pills, I pay for a gym membership, I pay to see the doctor… I pay a lot of money every month in an effort to get rid of my pain… and at best it makes the pain manageable… the pain doesn’t go away… it just becomes manageable.... AT BEST.
Defendants? They pay for their drugs, they pay to hide their illegal activity from the cops, they pay for attorneys and Jail Stays… they pay a lot of money every month in an effort to continue their addiction… and at best they manage to get through another day before needing to get more… the addiction gets fed… they are slaves to it.
If I could pay for “treatment” to never have this agonizing pain again and never again have to pay for pills and doctors and treatments, do you know how happy I would be?!?!?!?!? Fucking drug addicted, crime obsessed, assholes.
And the violence? I mean, I get it… drugs… but seriously?

I had a woman literally try to RAPE AND KILL ME… and the most violent I got (besides pushing her for my own safety) was to
(1) grab her by the wrist, so as to make her drop the knife
(2) punch a locker so hard it dented, in order to frighten her into leaving me alone.
That was a woman who bashed my head into concrete while trying to take my pants off… that was a woman who broke into my house and grabbed a knife… that was a woman who clawed my face to bleeding… and 1 and 2 was as violent as I got! So… beating the shit out of your girlfriend because “she wouldn’t let you keep drinking” or because “she doesn’t listen?” Are you fucking kidding me?!?! And then… for these women to say, “No. He’s right. I won’t cooperate with The State. He was right to correct me.”

If you can’t tell, I’m reacting emotionally and not logically… thank you insomnia. Because I could certainly logically and empathetically reflect on these issues and find grace, forgiveness, and understanding...... but fuck that. I haven’t slept… my legs are practically shrieking in pain… when I move my head, my neck feels like someone is stabbing it with a hot knife… I want to go to a hospital and sleep for 1 week straight… but instead, I compel myself forward… do my job… present myself to the Judge… take care of my shit. Because THAT is what an ADULT does.

And perhaps that is the fundamental breaking point for me in all of this. The apparent lack of “adults” in my life. Perhaps if my Wife acted like an adult.... I would be less furious at the rest of these wretched excuses for humanity. But honestly… I doubt it. Despite Wife being such a large influence in my life… even during this insomnia, she’s behaved as more of an adult than those I see in court. Simply by taking her medication, checking to make sure I’ve taken my medication, making sure my alarm clock was set, and making sure I wasn’t ill… she’s acted like more of an adult than most of the parents I have to deal with today. So no. Even if my Wife did have her shit together… today would be a frustrating day for insomniac Chris. 24 hearings. That means 2 or more sets of parents failing 1 or more sets of children. TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUCKING KIDS! It isn’t even like we’re Polk County. If you’re a terrible incompetent parent, we won’t take your kids away. We don’t have the resources! If your child is going door to door begging for food? We won’t take your kid away but we will get the courts involved. Do you know how BAD things have to get for us to take your kids away?!?! MULTIPLIED BY 24!!! FOR. FUCK. SAKE. PEOPLE.

So that is where horrifically in pain, tired as fuck Chris is today. Just… at his emotional END with the severely high number of absolute DUMB CUNTS that drain our court system. Put down the meth, pick up your child, get a fucking education, and contribute something to society. Fucker. That’s where I am right now.

AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.... I have to make sure to try to keep my “Creep” abilities under wraps. You see, one of our DHS workers is an attractive young woman. She is my age or younger, blond, tiny, and married. She’s wearing very tight pants today and I can feel me fighting my eyes the whole way. She keeps fluffing her cardigan, arguably trying to bring eye attention to her breasts or face (or, more likely, a nervous reaction) but I can feel my eyes drifting unconsciously to her thighs which are clearly and pleasantly outlined in detail by her tight gray pants. I feel like an absolute creep!!

And the bouncing ball continues....

I’m tired.
I’m in a great deal of pain.
I want to drink a gallon and a half of water.
I want to absolutely kneecap every parent who tests positive for Meth.
I want to be the center of a “Women’s Riding Championship” if you catch my meaning.
I’m in a decidedly weird place right now.

And then WOAH! My bookmarks page went from 1 of 4 to 1 of 8. So… I have some reading to do!! At some point. Still slogging through hearing after hearing after hearing. “I want my child returned!” Okay, understandable, but why haven’t you had your drug test yet? “Because I knew it wouldn’t come back clean.” Until you’re clean, we can’t give you your child back. “Give me my children back!” UGH!!!!!

And my week looks to be much the same as that! 24 hearings today… returning these e-mails of Officers asking what to charge in these dumb fucking assault cases… responding to phone calls from victims in these dumb fucking assault cases… 6 hearings on Tuesday… 11 hearings on Wednesday… 3 Jury Trials on Thursday.... and I still have the BIG jury trial looming at the end of the month.... but before we get there I have other trials next week. B.U.S.Y. F.U.C.K.I.N.G. Month!! As for the non work bits?
After work tonight? Work Out, Eat Food, Watch TV, try to sleep.
Tomorrow? Eat Food, Watch TV, try to get Wife to make progress on scheduling things because it would REALLY help me out here to know what/where/when I can start looking forward to as far as things like taking time off or Lake Okoboji Training.
Wednesday? Work Out, Eat Food, Watch TV, try to sleep.
Thursday? The same
Friday The same.... not that I terribly mind things being the same all the time… but with Wife needing to get her shit together and me starting to get stir crazy? I don’t know. I could use doing something fun and I could use not getting into an argument with Wife and if I could combine those activities where I’m doing something fun while not getting into an argument with Wife that would be awesome.

Though… I did thank her for being so understanding yesterday. Because she was. I work. She spends a lot (too much) time in the house. Weekends? It would make sense for her to want to see me or spend time with me. But considering my insomnia, I kept falling asleep yesterday during the day… and instead of being angry with me that I “wasted” one of our days together… she was understanding about it. And super surprised that I would thank her for being understanding. Again… maybe I’ve just always been around the wrong type of people.... but almost everyone I’ve known would get mad at me in that situation, so the fact that she was okay with it was good.

So… my day is over. Well, not quite. My hearings for the day are over. I still have to figure out what I want to do on this assault case… and call assault victim back.

I know every day can’t be puppies and candy… but seriously? I’m ready for a vacation. Between Law School, working at the Omaha Jail, my marriage, working in Tiny Town, working for the Chinese, and now here? Honestly, if it hadn’t been for weddings, family reunions, bachelor parties, and all that? I’d have absolutely CRACKED by now. That being said? I need a vacation. And… I don’t think Wife understands that at all. Every time I bring up Hawaii, she flies back to “So am I not going to take classes this summer?” FOR. CHRIST. SAKE. Schedule your classes, don’t schedule your classes… look past yourself for a minute. That might have to go into the Counseling Notebook. Look past yourself. Oooof. I’m just tired. I need to drink a bunch of water, have a chill evening, and hope to GOD that I get some sleep tonight.