No happily ever after here, what death takes away in Misadventures of West Virginia Woman

When a person is born they are a miracle and welcomed even loved somewhere along the way people forget how amazing they are. I find it a shame that love and kindness is thrown aside so quickly.

Me and well as the people in my life have forgotten the importance of appreciating life even though it last for a short time and ends unexpectively. When my father was alive we often argued. He even chased me away a time or two. Even though i was told never to return i shoved my ego aside to visit dad. My dads love for fixing cars found me an excuse to come back and make amends with my father. Towards the end of his life after several arguments he became better. He became the man i knew he always was. Even though we often argued and i didnt understand a lot of his actions i found myself calling him to tell him i loved him. I often visited making my car an excuse to visit. I know he checked my fluids inflated my tires yesterday but we did it again and again. Bonding over car repairs, helping him in the garage and doing small projects help me have my father back. I love his garage it reminds me of all the times i spent with him. His garage also reminds me how broken my heart is without him.

The night he died of a heart attack when everyone left but my husband i layed over dads body begging him to come home but i knew it wasnt his address anymore. Sad thing is its been 3 months since his death i still catch myself looking for him in the garage, the house praying for one more day. I keep hoping for one more phone call. Dad would never want me to cry the way i do yet here i am tears dripping on the phone.

After he died i debated suicide the gun was in the couch where he left it. I text the crisis hotline staring at it tears streaming as i listened to the voice of logic. I looked over to the bed where mom slept not wanting to leave her knowing she needed me i covered the gun with the pillows and cried.. Death does not end the pain it transfers it to someone else. I couldnt do it to her no matter how tempting. I stayed alive to be sure mom is cared for. Dad isnt here anymore to do it. She needs someone! I have often regretted my decision since then but i remind myself everyday is a miracle dad would want me to keep moving forward.

I have $26 in my account. My husband screamed yesterday about everything being broke. He tired of me sticking boo boo stickers on things. My bravada is broke, heatpump, dishwasher now an 8 foot piece of underpinning is broke laying on the ground air is going around the pipes. I been waiting on the line to break. I often catch myself thinking if dad was alive he would help me fix it. You never quite realize how much someone is your hero until they pass away.

My husband has been lashing out cussing me. He keeps making excuses and stopping me from doing repairs. He asked if i ever did anything by myself why was everything with dad. I cried realizing my dad is more of a man than Talan will ever be! In this house i do repairs. I try to slap on boo boo stickers praying i dont have to pay for a professional. If the groceries are brought in dishes and laundry done it is usually me!

Since dad died i have given up. The house is messy. Piles of laundry undone. Rotten groceries in the fridge i rarely buy food. I have given up at this adulthood shit. My husband kicks the garbage aside reaches for his xbox oftening threatening divorce.. I wish the bitch would. He demands unprotected sex i refuse without a condom. I am already married to a child why create one to raise 2? He is angry wanting to know why we dont his kids.. With his fucking tempter tamptrums it os like having a 400 pound child. I am to depressed to even care!

I talked to my mother in law Dee last night. I told Dee till he steps up i am done. The pig has lay in his own muck. I am tired fighting with him over trying clean house and to do repairs. I am to the point of my world was on fire i would probably roast marshmallows to make smores. At least i get something yummy to eat.

I stayed up almost all night talking to my mom. She worried the pipes will freeze again. Talan refuses to help me fix the wall. My brother refuses. I cant afford a professional. Talan started barking if and when i am allowed to do the repairs.. He hasnt paid a penny to buy mobile home me and mom did.. Fuck him. If i got to stand up and be the man in this relationship he should sit down and shut up! He think he had power here.. Oh lord.

I woke up Talan got him ready for work. Since he is at work i might get some rest. I dont work till after 5 tonight.

My favorite thing in the world is naps. No one can hurt me there and i can rest.. Just a brief moment i find peace.

Sorry this entry isnt sunshine and unicorns.. Happiness is fleeting her. I do however view life as a miracle grateful i am alive.