Tuesday in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

It is funny. When I woke up today, strangely, I had no idea what day it was. I actually lay in bed debating myself on whether it was Tuesday or Wednesday. Strangely, the arguments that it was Wednesday won out and when I got out of bed, I was walking into Wednesday. Of course, by the time I had finished walking to the bathroom, I had reconsidered. Especially as this week has honest holidays, so each day should be easier to remember. TODAY is Tuesday because it is Mardi Gras. TOMORROW is Wednesday because it is Ash Wednesday. Then Sunday is “Steal an Hour of Your Life” because it Daylight Savings Time.

Obviously, I’ve been thinking about last night. And since I’m paying money for marriage counseling, I want to take things to counseling before just throwing the whole thing out of an airlock. I think, ultimately, there are two primary issues from whence all other issues are borne (and there is strong argument that all of this is, in actuality, just one issue).
(1) Wife’s complete transformation after marriage. Going from active, curious, engaged human being to passive, frightful, withdrawn human being.
(2) Wife’s ‘mental health” and the need for her to get her shit together. I even thought last night (as I was rehearsing how to say things at counseling in my head… which is funny that a noter said something similar) “I don’t care if you’re crocheting sex toys for Muppets at home or trying to cure Puppy Cancer in a lab or making YouTube videos about Reactions to Other YouTube Videos; you need to do SOMETHING instead of just constantly being in a state of ‘trying to figure things out.“

UH OH
I knew it would happen eventually.

I have a cousin who is the embodiment of “The Worst Kind of Liberal.” Because she is hyper passionate about the issues that she identifies with; but then thinks that being passionate about something is a zero sum game. She IS from Mexican Immigrants; so anything to do with her racial identity needs to be viciously fought for and preserved. She WAS sexually assaulted in college (and really never got over it) so anything to do with “women’s issues” needs to be viciously fought for and preserved. However as a straight, cis-gendered female… she feels the need to play Gatekeeper as to who is allowed to be a part of “women’s issues.” I knew at some point, this would get bad… and I just watched it happen. Cousin is one of those “easily identified hyper-liberal” types… so when she starts arguing, things can get messy… and when she’s arguing against other “easily identified hyper-liberal” types… it just looks like a political ideology imploding.

You see, there was an article that stated “Abortion should not be a gendered discussion.” In so many ways, I agree! It is a woman’s body and a woman gets autonomy over her own body. BUT a man is involved and a man should have the right to “abort” the birth legally. That is to say, if the man desires an abortion and the woman wishes to go full term… the man can legally dispose himself of any and all responsibilities financially and legally. Some think this is already a thing, but it isn’t… not in the strictest of legal senses. And, how’s this for shitty but a genuine opinion, if the man does NOT want his child aborted but the woman does wish for an abortion… I think there should be some form of remuneration or legal exchange. The woman gets to terminate but the man is owed compensation for his legal loss. Also there are stories of “men being pregnant”. NOW those are trans-men. They identify as male, but their body is female, so they can have a pregnancy. Don’t think too hard about that, gendered concepts there will only throw you off. The important thing to focus on there is that someone who looks like a man and presents as a man can be pregnant and if Doctors don’t discuss or even contemplate abortion rights with that in mind, a part of the discussion that needs to happen isn’t happening. That is what the article was discussing.

Cousin hops on this article and immediately says, “Can male-bodied individuals become pregnant?” To which the article writer explained that his thesis was about trans-men specifically becoming pregnant and needing access to abortion rights and abortion services as a part of their very gender identity. Cousin pushed it further and said, “I just want to make sure that you aren’t saying a male born person can get pregnant.” The article writer re-iterated his statement but finished by conceding that “No. Obviously people that are born male cannot get pregnant.” To which Cousin responded, “So we agree.” She stopped posting, but (understandably) a lot of comments then flooded the discussion bashing Cousin for being-transphobic, playing Gatekeeper in a mean-spirited fashion, pulling focus from the discussion to air her own bigotry, and stuff like that. Frankly? I totally get why they were responding that way. Poor Analogy but if I’m discussing how lawyers need to better understand court room procedure and a Tax Attorney comes up to me to say, “But tax attorneys don’t go to court” and I respond with “I’m discussing lawyers that do go to court. But no, tax attorneys don’t go to court” and the Tax Attorney says, “Then we agree” and walks off.... um.... dick move.
On the other hand? I get it. I also understand why Cousin made an issue about it. For the same reason why, whenever a discussion about Mexican Immigrants or Rape Victims comes up, she loses all perspective. Mexican Immigrant discussion: We need to do a better job in our immigration system which includes more compassionate treatment of asylum seekers and more streamlined treatment in deporting criminals. Cousin freaks the hell out screaming that “nobody is illegal” and we should “do away with deportation entirely.” OR when discussing rape victims. You all know me… in my professional and personal life, I’m a “believe women” guy. But also in my professional and personal life… I understand that sometimes… getting a “sexual assault” conviction is tough to impossible… so sometimes deals are required… and those deals can be required for a NUMBER of different, sometimes complicated reasons. Cousin doesn’t see it as complicated, nuanced, or difficult… she sees it as (literally what she said) an attack on women. “The idea that rapists don’t always spend the rest of their life in jail is a systemic attack on women devaluing their experience and their bodies.” UHM… or we have a system where a 21 year old that was raped by her 58 year old professor is so traumatized that she begs us not to make her testify… which means, if we accept that with compassion, we’re not likely to get a life sentence. And if you believe that we should just throw people in jail based on reporting a sexual assault as opposed to our current system where we need to prove a sexual assault… then, honestly, you’re not thinking the whole thing through carefully. SO YEAH… I get why she sometimes completely loses perspective… but when she starts pushing against other liberals in a public setting it just… demonstrates that she’s a “MY Identity Liberal” instead of a “Progressive Liberal” or even a “Compassionate Liberal.”

Ugh. Entitled people upset me. Entitled people that work in the Public Service sector upset me even more.
Here is an uncomfortable truth about my position (career).
Looking at my calendar, I have 1 bench trial this week, 4 Cases scheduled for Jury trial next week, 13 cases going to Bench trial the week after, my giant Felony trial scheduled for the week after that, and another 2 bench trials the week of my felony jury trial. Lots of balls in the air, lots of planning, lots of work.
HOWEVER… if I do my job well, all of my jury trials for next week go away, 9 bench trials go away for the week after. WHICH MEANS, I can rely on my bench trial this week actually happening. I can rely on 4 bench trials in two weeks, 2 bench trials the week after that… oh and my Felony Jury Trial? May or may not happen this month; we’re not sure right now. SO as one can imagine… scheduling witnesses for all of that can be tricky. For example… I COULD call every witness I have for the 21st and tell them to be here… then as 70% of the cases get resolved, try to call them all back to tell them not to be here, which almost always results in at least 20% of those people being here and being annoyed that they took off work (or their day off) to be at court when they didn’t need to be. OR I can do everything in my power this week to make some headway… which would result in maybe 3 cases being resolved… then call those people.

The problem? Some of our officers think that they should get engraved invitations months in advance providing them the opportunity to RSVP. Shit, son, I ain’t got time for that. If i give you more than a week’s notice, you know that things are good. If I’m calling you the week OF, you should know that means that something that was supposed to work, didn’t. As an officer of the law, dealing with these assholes every day, you shouldn’t be surprised when “A sure thing” becomes “A cluster fuck.” When a defendant goes from “Fine, sure, whatever” to “Fuck you, I want my trial!” We all have to make rapid adjustments. AND AS THE STATE, the burden of those adjustments falls to us since we’re (allegedly and technically) the party with the most resources. So yeah, dude. I get that you work nights and hate to be in court. If you want to arrest people, that will require your presence in court sometimes. You live two blocks from the courthouse and you’re an officer of the law. Do your job, dude.

Here’s a fun little personal pet peeve I don’t understand. My last name is German. It is a ridiculously common German name, but it does have multiple ways of potential spelling. Therefore, I ALWAYS forever and without exception; spell my last name when I give it to people. It is an automatic response now. I’ve been doing this for no less than 30 years, now, and as it is my own name… I tend to spell it properly.

PEOPLE WILL EVEN REPEAT IT TO ME WRONG. “e.i.” So that’s “i.e?” No. e. i. E before the I. “Okay, i.e.” no. NO. Stop it. This isn’t an ego thing at this point, this is a hearing comprehension thing. If I spell (for example) Meister and I tell you “M.E.I.S.T.E.R” and you respond back “M.I.E.S.T.E.R.” YOU WEREN’T LISTENING. Listen, repeat what you hear, and that’s it. So simple we’ve made it a required portion of Kindergarten. And honestly… fuck. I don’t mind it in the following scenario (using Meister as replacement name)
“That’s Meister; M.E.I.S.T.E.R.”
“Okay and how do you spell your last name?”
I’m okay with that scenario. Someone just going through their routine. I was in retail for a long time so I totally understand just going through a routine statement and not listening until you’re given the specific information you ask. THAT I get. What I don’t get?
“That’s Meister; M.E.I.S.T.E.R.”
“Okay and how do you spell your last name?”
“M.E.I.S.T.E.R.”
“Okay, M.I.E.S.T.E.R.”
NO that I don’t get. If you ask a question, listen to the answer. Even if you don’t give a shit, at least get the information right. Sorry… kind of bugs me.

Guess what I just did? I just spoke with an attorney about every case he has in our county this month. That includes 5 trials.
I don’t expect everyone to know their schedules like attorneys… hell, even I have slip ups… but for people to have ZERO concept of the importance of a schedule? Of the ability to schedule? Yeah. Problematic. I can’t tell you exactly what I’ll be doing at noon on Sunday of this week… but I can tell you with confidence where I’ll be. I can tell you with Confidence exactly what I’ll be doing and where I’ll be for most of Wednesday, three hours of Thursday, and 7 hours of Saturday. I can tell you all sorts of things about my life and my schedule. BECAUSE IT MATTERS

That being said… I don’t like rescheduling things but (of course) I’ll do it when the situation calls for it. I was to have an ENT appointment on Monday afternoon. However, my Juvenile Court Schedule for that day is epically abysmal! 23 hearings. 1 day. 7 hours. Yes, that does mean we’ll have to try to average 3 hearings per hour. SO.... I’m not going to ask my boss to cover me for 3 hours that day as that seems like asking a lot. Instead, I’ll reschedule to a day with 5 hearings.

As I was contemplating schedules, I used the time “appropriately” and tidied my desk. UHM… yeah. “Tidied.” Basically, I shifted piles of paper from “large pile taking up the desk” to “stacked pile taking up less desk.” That is one area where Wife really does truly excel… “tidy.” Though, it is from a pretty strong OCD vibe so (again, in one more way her life being dictated by anxiety and fear). I should really go through these stacks and figure out what I can throw away but the answer is likely “everything and nothing.” I don’t need any of it and anything that is needed can easily be reproduced from the digital file. However, if I need something and throw it out and can’t access the digital file, it is important that I can grab it quickly. Hence “everything and nothing.”

But I am reminded, through this, of some of the good things about Wife… which is why my big push is to find out what went wrong and can it be salvaged. Even these days, Wife is fairly good about things like the Dishwasher, Laundry, and keeping the house tidy. Obviously, that isn’t a reason to have a wife… that’s a reason to hire a maid. I get that. But I bring it up because it is still a value added benefit.

But as I sit with that… it occurs to me that I’ve never really had a partner. I never dated an “equal” and never felt like I was on “equal footing” with a woman I was with. T1, she was the Honor Student of Massive Success… which made me feel like the underachieving Theater Kid. Buffy is and was a damned saint; literally the heart and soul of an honest to God angelic saint. Quickly followed up by Aku who was a damned demon; a complicated relationship as I knew I was better than her but couldn’t escape her. Aoife may have arguably been an equal; except for the fact that her mental issues constantly created problems in the relationship, if you could even call it a relationship since that is not how she wanted to classify it. Thompson may have been an equal.... but that relationship was a mess. I sincerely wish I had this group of Online Friends when I was with Thompson. “She never visits me, she won’t tell her Mom about me, I always have to drive to her and then it is a quick non-date and it’s over”… yeah, methinks my friends here would have helped me call it out for what it was sooner. A definite non-relationship that I felt I needed to work on because Thompson was (1) one of the most attractive women to ever talk to me; (2) one of the most ‘normal’ women to ever talk to me; (3) one of the most social women to ever talk to me. That spiraled and died. I had Shanon around but… I really honestly am curious what this community would have influenced about Shanon. Hell, I wonder about that with loads of things.

THIS Community plus Freshman Year of College and Aoife?
THIS Community plus (2004) Junior Year of College and Thompson?
THIS Community plus (2004) Junior Year of College and Shanon?
Honestly, I don’t have to wonder about (2005) Junior Year of College and Wife.... when I met her, she just… she occupied my mind and heart entirely. At the same time.... circa 2009, I imagine there would have been a lot of positive reinforcement to follow through with breaking up with her. And subsequent disappointment if/when I didn’t.

It’s funny. When we got married… we were two “young kids” (not that young at 27 and 31) who were about to start an adventure we’d been talking about for 5 years. But here we are 7 years later and… despite getting to where we needed to be… I don’t know. It seems weird to say it like this but… every push forward has seemingly cost her something… even when we started dating.

I wasn’t going to start dating a woman who was living with her boyfriend. Because you’re either his girlfriend or my girlfriend. So she lost her house. I moved back home after college, so she decided to follow me. So she lost her Tae Kwon Do dojo and never replaced it. We got married and she followed me to Omaha and apparently that place just fucking destroyed her. And in the ensuing years… she hasn’t been able to pick herself back up. It is like… somehow… moving to Nebraska and working at Wal Mart there destroyed who she was and all that replaced it was fear, doubt, anxiety, and negativity… and while we’re working on coming back from that… I’m out here looking at my watch saying, “It’s time to go” while she’s just staring at her shoes trying to figure out which one to put on first.

In fact, Wife started a Prosebox. She told me about it and I asked if she minded if I looked or wanted me to NOT look or how she felt about it. She said she wouldn’t mind if I looked as it is simply stuff we’ve been talking about for years. And it is. It is the stuff we’ve been talking about for years. She feels incomplete… incapable of going forward and unsure of how to overcome that incapability. I’d point you to it but I wouldn’t do that without her express permission. I did ask if she wanted me to tell anyone about it, see if they could offer her guidance or insight. She hasn’t responded to the question so I won’t put her name out there. But from everything I say, you might be able to guess at it.

IF YOU DO I would make a request: Treat her journal as hers and not as an extension of this. As she has been discussed here, it has been filtered through my experiences, my frustrations, my perspective. She deserves the chance, if she wants to take it, to be understood on her terms in her own space.

Article Title/Link: Trump says he joked about wanting Russian help in 2016. The facts tell a different story.
Article Author: Marshall Cohen
Article Snippet: “President Donald Trump recently claimed he was joking when he asked the Russians to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails during the 2016 campaign. But court filings and public comments show some members of Trump’s team were quite serious about accepting help from the Russians in 2016.”
Article Reaction: I watched both Mr. Trump’s original statement and his statement at CPAC. Here’s a hint for a toddler that uses the tired man-baby excuse of “It was a joke!” The hint? If you have to say it in a different inflection, voice, or way than when you originally said it? Then when you originally said it, it wasn’t a joke. If I say “That bitch is foul.” She hears me and challenges me, then I change my voice to have a higher tone, or more lyrical inflection, or any other change of voice… that is explicitly attempting to change the meaning. Try it. Look in a mirror and say as seriously as possible “I want candy.” Now say it in as many different ways as you can. You’ll recognize this as one of the earliest acting exercises we’re taught. In fact, in High School, we’d make it into a game. You’d take your improv group and get in a circle. Someone would randomly start as deadpan with “Bitch, give me my money.” Then you’d have to go around the circle, each person changing how they said it by inflection or character. If you repeated, you were out. BUT BACK TO THE POINT… Trump specifically and directly invited the Russians to hack his political opponent. Even other conservatives at the time reacted as “Woah! He didn’t really do that, did he?!” Two years later to try to say, “Oh, it was a joke” is quite genuinely one of the oldest, saddest, most pathetic things a pathological liar does. This is his entire personality.
Step One: “I didn’t do it, I wasn’t there, it never happened”
After proof that it happened comes out?
Step Two: “I didn’t do it, I wasn’t there, I had no idea about it.”
After proof that he was notified?
Step Three: “I didn’t do it, I wasn’t there, I never authorized it.
After proof of authorization comes out?
Step Four: “I didn’t do it, I wasn’t there, I was joking.”
Or, as seen through Trump’s ACTUAL ATTORNEYS: “It never happened, and if it did happen, it isn’t Trump’s fault, and if it is Trump’s fault, it isn’t a crime, and if it is a crime, you can’t indict a sitting President.”

Article Title/Link: Why the Trump-Fox News relationship really is unprecedented
Article Author: Nicole Hemmer
Article Snippet: “On Monday, the New Yorker’s Jane Mayer published an explosive expose on “the Fox News White House,” a deeply reported story alleging that the channel had killed a story about Stormy Daniels before the 2016 presidential election and that President Trump tried to spike the AT&T-Time Warner merger apparently because he wasn’t happy with the news coverage of his presidency by CNN, which is now owned by AT&T. The story makes clear in vivid detail that Mayer’s answer to the headline question about Fox News — “Is it propaganda?” — is a resounding yes.”
Article Reaction: Tragically, the Fox News Affect and the Trump Presidency will likely be things our children, our grandchildren, and their grandchildren will study in school. Though… after that, the world will have burnt down, so we have that comfort.
HERE’S THE KEY THOUGH… how bad is it; is it new; and what is an adequate response?
Let’s tackle the “is it new” first. Journalists have influenced media and Media has influenced journalism. That is and has always been true. MSNBC was so fawningly pathetically enamored of Barack Obama that I lost any and all respect for that news studio in any form. Chris Matthews absolutely TORCHED his journalistic integrity. But that is massively different than what we’re seeing between the Fox/Trump Machine. True, MSNBC wrote love poems to Mr. Obama and FOXNEWS is writing epic romantic poetry for Mr. Trump. In that way, they are similar and that is fair. WHAT IS NOT SIMILAR (and what becomes a much bigger problem) is the connection, cooperation, and (if you’ll pardon the word) collusion between the White House and Fox News under Mr. Trump and Associates. The article here (and the article from Yesterday) do a good job of outlining the myriad ways in which Fox and Trump share a bed with more intimacy than any news provider and political official ever. But let’s just talk about a few.
FIRST: Staffing. Members of an administration can and do become Media Personalities; and on rare occasion, the reverse is also true. I remember when Tony Snow went to work for W and how that seemed odd to many, but certainly wasn’t verboten or without sufficient precedent. That was ONE journalist going to work for the President as a PRESS Secretary. Which makes sense… but did have some people raising eyebrows. JUST counting the “contributors, correspondents, and staff” that this article mentions 5 members of the current Administration were first on Fox News. ONE Journalist raised eyebrows… in Trump World, it is the new normal.
SECOND: Echo Chamber. It can be downright impossible to determine who is feeding whom. Trump tweets something, Fox covers it, Trump tweets that Fox “confirmed” the story. OR Fox Reports it, Trump Tweets it, Fox covers the tweet. It is this mutually masturbatory sickening circle. It has even gotten so bad that, and this is true, Fox News had a typo on their running ticker and a few hour later when Trump tweeted his “thoughts” on the subject… the same typo appeared. Maybe a coincidence… but considering that Trump’s own people go on Fox News just to get his attention… it isn’t as likely.

Not Connected to News Article: Just a little bit of personal commentary here. Trump (and too many of his supporters) keep decrying any and all investigations into him, his campaign, or his administration as “Hoax, Witch Hunt, Illegal.” And what I’ve said the whole time? What I’ve thought the whole time?

A rational person looking at the situation with a detached interest and no partisan bias would investigate. All of your aides have been doing shifty and/or illegal shit. And Trump himself is not above doing so as well. Leaking confidential material to the Russians? He did that. And it was proven. Holding secret meetings with Russia’s leader without allowing access by media or debriefs with intelligence officials? He did that. In other words… there is no rational way of looking at the situation that does not require investigation. WILL THE INVESTIGATION DISCOVER ANYTHING? That isn’t something I can say with confidence at this time. But an investigation is warranted. And the fact that there are some people in our country who GENUINELY disagree is what worries me.

‘Fortnite’ Erotica Says A Ton About The Future Of Gaming
I object to Fortnite Erotica being treated as novel. I was writing erotica based on The World of Diablo when I was in High School. There are people have been writing fan fiction erotica on video games and video game characters since Mrs. Pac-Man. And as far as being able to “readily and easily” find photos or video of Video Game Porn? Uhm… sorry to sound like a dick, but where you been, Grandpa? Anime, Video Games, Cartoon Shows… I mean… Blood Rayne was in Playboy!