Fear in Ultimate Randomness

So I don’t get on here much anymore. I could come up with excuses like there is nothing to write about or my laptop doesn’t work so I pretty much only have my phone, but those are just surface issues. The real issue is fear. I am afraid of life. I don’t really have any hopes left that can spur me to action. I don’t believe in myself enough to try and go back to school to finish my degree. Even if I did, I don’t have the resources. And even of I were to finish my teaching degree, I don’t know that I have the fight I need to grind through it every day. Fighting with teachers, administrators, parents, the students.... I don’t think most people understand just how much fire that teachers have to have to get through the bullshit every day, week after week, year after year. I just know that I don’t have it anymore. I don’t believe that I will ever be in another relationship. It is much easier to rationalize how I would make someone else’s life more difficult than what I could bring to their life to improve it. And who wants someone like that? My job is a dead end and my health is starting to fall off. Nothing serious, but I can feel it starting to feel different. And the worst part is I can’t reason out a way to change it. I’m committing suicide. Not in the way that grabs people’s attention. Not quickly. It’s been a slow burn for a long time and, at this point, I am just waiting things out until the end. And yes, it is selfish of me. I’m not holding on in the hope of life improving. I’m just scared. As scared of death as I am of life. So I float along until the waterfall comes along. What does a person who can’t help themselves do? Because I have tried helping myself and it only makes things worse. And I won’t do it quickly because that would leave a scar on the people I care about. An unexpected death? It hurts like hell, but people do eventually move on and the scar barely shows. A purposeful death? Some people never recover from those scars, and it shows. So if you have gotten this far and are wondering why I don’t reach out to people, that’s why. I don’t need them wondering if they could have done something different. If they could, they already would have. Like I said, this has been a slow burn over the course of twenty years. If they knew what to do, they would have done it by now. So what’s next? Nothing really, just the wait. And like Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the hardest part…”