TMI Statement to Start in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

WARNING: SOME OF THE FOLLOWING MAY UPSET YOU OR OFFEND YOU. FRANKLY, WHEN I’M WRITING LIKE THIS… I DON’T CARE. SOMETIMES A PERSON JUST NEEDS A PLACE TO VENT.

That being said, I SUPER thank the people who leave constructive, insightful notes. Seriously, some of the notes people have left worrying that they might sound judgey or hurtful have been important. I work in a field where I intentionally dull my connection to my emotions. If I cried every time I read a report of a 10 year old girl being raped by an adult, I wouldn’t be able to function. So outside insight and remarks can be very helpful for me to figure out what I may be feeling but ignoring.

When you wake up too early for your alarm but too late to go back to sleep… and decide to start your day with masturbation and video games… you know the day has nowhere to go but down, lol.

Funny thing… yesterday’s Free Association Rambling Ass Entry helped me realize some things I was feeling and not paying attention to. So I had intended to have a discussion with Wife about it when I got home. Except when I did get home last night? Wife was on the couch, quiet, and clearly in a panic. I held my tongue and decided to ask what was going on.

Just going to the Feline Shelter to sign up for volunteering put her into a “day ruining panic” that caused genuine physical symptoms including heartburn, acid reflux, and heightened executive dysfunction. I try not to be an asshole but… internally? Come on! A lifetime of her acting like her life is miserable torture due to working at Wal Mart… she leaves Wal Mart and gets a job in the field she wants… and has such immense panic that she almost quits within the first week! A year later… now even so much as following up on a volunteer opportunity causes her to lose it? WITH being medicated for anxiety?! Get your shit together.

You can certainly call me cruel… but I’ve been dealing with this shit for 7 plus years. At some point? Get your shit together. You’re 38.7 years old. If doing something (anything) sends you into a life-affecting panic? That does not bode well for you. At all. I asked if she wrote the whole thing down to discuss with her counselor? She had not. I asked if she was going to discuss it with her counselor? She was uncertain. Because as I’ve suspected she’s so friggin’ ruled by fear that even discussing her legitimate issues with her counselor is too scary. Instead she focuses on “Should I go to college again, get a job, what should I do?” with her counselor and they don’t discuss the important shit like crippling anxiety, life-altering depression, feelings of isolation, self-obsession… y’know, the things that might actually create long-term change for her. UGH.

Now, I didn’t say most of this to her, obviously. I told her that this is something we’d talk about in couple’s counseling at the very least because a big theme of this year is “I’m out of patience.” I also told her that she needed to get her shit together. I said that I would buy her a backpack so she could take all of her shit and get it together. Just get her shit together. That is what I said to her.

But seriously....... She doesn’t want her entire life to be sitting at home watching television or listening to the radio. Yet doing something else seems too daunting for her. Meanwhile… with a potentially debilitating chronic pain disorder… in our marriage, I’ve managed to (1) take care of her; (2) earn my law degree; (3) work in a shitty Jail/Court job; (4) pass the Bar Exam; (5) actively find work in a different state where I was doing a shitty nightmare version of my Dream Job; (6) actively find work in a different town working a shitty nightmare toxic job; (7) actively find work in a different town finally getting a worthwhile job in my chosen field; (8) pay off all of my debts (thanks family!); (9) find and purchase a house. I realize that because I’m the “driven, focused” guy, Wife really has been allowed to “trail after” and not worry as much about what she specifically wants. I appreciate that. And if she was a woman with a strong sense of what she wanted to do, where she wanted to be, who she wanted to be.... the hops from Omaha to Tiny Town to Des Moines to IF would likely have been much harder. I am acknowledging that. But… I can’t do this all over again. I can’t find myself where I want and need to be… only to spend all of my emotional labor resources on caring for Wife due to her own deep personal psychological issues. At some point, she needs to be responsible for her own shit. I need to take care of me… I need to be able to do my job (which as you may have guessed, takes a lot of emotional labor resources itself)… I can’t just keep going in these cycles where anytime Wife needs to do something in her life, everything falls apart, focuses on her, and waits for her to decide to act like an adult.

AND NO, I don’t come at her with all of this. Right now, this is just me shouting all of this into the abyss because I need to get it out. Because it genuinely angers and frustrates me that I have watched this woman slide backwards for years. When we met? She was a woman that was capable. She decided all on her own to move out of her boyfriend’s place, pursue me romantically, get an apartment. When I graduated from College, she decided all on her own to move out of her town, follow me to Des Moines, transfer her job, get an apartment. Somewhere between “Making choices to keep my relationship going” and “That was a fun wedding”; she became an entirely different person. The kind of person that experiences crippling anxiety simply filling out a volunteer form. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself… I’m trying to describe the issue. 2nd Degree Black Belt, Dancer, Sci-Fi Geek willing to go after what she wants gets married and becomes Inactive TLC Fan incapable of expressing her wants or going after them.

So yeah, that is shit we need to discuss in Marriage Counseling. Especially if she isn’t discussing it in her individual counseling.

As for work? March is tomorrow. Today I have two bench trials. March? Not counting hearings or Juvenile Court (which is back on track to being full as fuck) I have 18 trials. 5 of them are Jury Trials. One of those Jury Trials is going to be a massive Felony fight that takes all month to prepare for.

Is it any wonder why I’ve already been writing Opening/Closing/Direct Examination questions in the shower? Seriously.

As to my two trials today? I’m actually really curious about what Defense is going to put forward. Y’see… the State can only go forward with what we have. A homeowner reported to the police that her neighbors were drunk, entered her house, and refused to leave. She called the police, her neighbors left, and she reported the crime to the officer who arrived. Defendants claim that the victim doesn’t know what she’s talking about and have people who can vouch for them. NONE of those people were willing to talk to our officers or our investigator. So to me… we have two drunk people with little recollection who want their party guests to vouch for them but those party guests either (1) don’t want to perjure themselves or (2) don’t want to get involved with the police. I’ll admit, my case isn’t the strongest. I’ve got 1 person as eyewitness testimony. That’s… weak. But it is still enough to get a conviction if the Defendants can’t find someone to testify for them. If they DO find someone to testify… I’ll be super interested in what they have to say.

A Little Politics

I know it may be hard to stomach for some, but I would encourage people who are interested in the American Politics Circus to see at least some of Mr. Cohen’s testimony before Congress yesterday. There were many moments of note.

(1) It did not go unnoticed by me that the GOP made an absolute ass of themselves. The political party that constantly says they are the “Law and Order” party basically refused to ask any pertinent questions of the witness as to his information on Trump or Trump matters. The reason he was called to testify. Instead, the GOP acted like a fucking Defense Attorney for Donald and spent their time trying to show Mr. Cohen lacked credibility. Mr. Senator? Your job is to seek the truth. You are to ask questions of the witness to determine what he knows, how reliable that information may be, and what (if any) the testimony says about corruption or criminal behavior of a Government Employee. You are NOT to act as a Defense Witness for a man that is not on trial.

(2) Cohen probably said the most important thing of his career… and the Country will ignore it. Mr. Cohen warned Republican lawmakers the president’s defenders would “suffer the same consequences that I’m suffering.” “I’m responsible for your silliness,” Cohen said during public testimony before the House Oversight and Reform Committee. “I did the same thing that you’re doing now for 10 years. I protected Mr. Trump for 10 years.... I can only warn people, the more people that follow Mr. Trump as I did blindly are going to suffer the same consequences that I’m suffering,” Cohen later added. This is the most important statement of his career because those who do not blindly support Trump can easily see he runs things like a Mobster and he does not care who “goes down” as long as it isn’t him. Therefore, the Civilian Trumpian Voters who defend and support him? Hell, he’s already sold them out. See Also: Farm Financial Troubles and IRS Refunds Down. The members of the GOP defending him? Honestly are likely next. Even in business Trump was well known for burning everyone around him as long as it created enough of a protection for him. I’m not holding my breath… but I honestly anticipate something similar.

(3) A GOP Senator, anticipating Mr. Cohen calling Trump a racist, brought an African American girl from the Housing and Urban Development branch of the Trump Administration. The GOP Senator said that her working in HUD was proof that Trump wasn’t racist. This was… a mind numbing case of idiocy that also clearly lacked any historical understanding.
(a) I have not seen any direct proof that Mr. Trump met, interviewed, and personally hired this woman. An individual working within an Administration is not by default hired by the leader of that administration.
(b) Even if Mr. Trump did personally hire the woman in question, the token hiring of an individual at a lower level of an operation does not sufficiently declare a lack of racism. Especially in light of Mr. Trump’s previous comments both on and off the record since 1982.
(c) The historical perspective of this is galling. Does the Senator truly believe that racists didn’t hire black people? Has he never done research into the historical South in any way? Families could and would absolutely hate “the black people” at large, but hire a black nanny, maid, or housekeeper. There were many many businesses that specifically forbade black people from entering.... unless, of course, they were the hired help… hired to serve as waiters, cleaners, cooks, and servants.
The very idea that a white Senator in 2019 would say, “A black person works for him, he can’t be racist” is such a ridiculous, antiquated, foolish idea that it defies belief.

(4) Another wonderful/weird/interesting part of all this: many Media Sources I watch tweeted pictures of their “research walls” (a shorthand way of describing walls of monitors all tuned to news channels). EVERY SINGLE one of these people mentioned something like the following:
“Wow! All the ABC, CBS, and NBC affiliates are carrying the Cohen Hearing right now. And there are even a few Fox affiliates who are showing it!” THAT says everything to me. We all know that Fox News has no integrity, no journalistic code of ethics, no stake in covering The News (unless it helps Trump). So the fact that every news channel BUT Fox was covering it? Means Trump’s supporters in the Media honestly thought Cohen was a threat.

That being said… how can we characterize Cohen’s testimony?
It was either the betrayal of a proven liar who is making up tales to save himself or the courageous act of an unlikely hero rising above his dirty past to provide a national service, depending on which side of the committee room lawmakers sat on.

Cohen honestly said nothing that does not agree with the President’s character pre-election. Nor post-election. Nothing Cohen said sounded like a different person than then Donald J. Trump we’ve seen in the media for the past several decades. BUT just because it conforms to the man’s behavior does not mean it is true. I honestly tend to think it is. Mostly because I’ve done my genuine non-partisan research into Frederick Christ Trump and his son Donald John Trump. And a “mafia-like win-at-all-costs fuck-your-enemy mentality” runs through them like water through the Seine. But just as I say that… there are Republicans who will say, “Cohen lied to Congress. He’s going to jail for lying to Congress. We can’t believe his testimony to Congress.”

However, TO those comments that Trump may be a racist? The GOP Senator in question said something along the lines of “He’s never said anything I would consider racist.” Which is the point. If we’re asking a rich, privileged white man in Government about racism? What does HE consider racist?? Because it may be different from what is ACTUALLY racist.

For example, Trump declared in December that the 15,000 Haitians who received visas in 2017 “all have AIDS.” In that same report, he reportedly said that 40,000 Nigerians who came to the United States would never “go back to their huts.”

For example, on immigrants from Mexico: “They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people,” he famously said at his June 16 campaign launch.

For example: Trump told Rolling Stone in June the following comments an associate alleged he made were “probably true”: “Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.” A statement that gets to be doubly racist as against black people and Jews

So I guess… you tell me. Do any of those comments seem like Donald Trump may have said racist or racially inappropriate things? Or has he never aid anything you would consider racist?

Oh… boy :(

I was working on a Juvenile Delinquent Charging Document when suddenly, my belly started making loud terrible noises. I had no idea what was going on, but I suddenly felt awful. I tried to shake it off and keep working but then?
My ass felt wet. Like… somehow I had suddenly sat on and popped a water balloon wet. Then the smell hit me: foul and disgusting, almost unworldly. It was as though some organ in my body had died and the leaking fluids had forced their way out through my butt cheeks. A very uncomfortable and embarrassing place to be. I quickly wiped down the chair and excused myself; racing back home to change my clothes. That was… certainly unfortunate.

Then?

Motherfucker.

I put up on Facebook something where I articulated that… after much consideration, I am okay with punching Nazis in the face.

Asshole Dude from DnD responds with: “Socialists have killed far, far more innocents than Nazis. Let’s punch them too.”

Granted… that isn’t necessarily a “Defending Nazis” issue but… I see it as similar to the following:
Man, Nazis were evil.
“Other people were evil, too!”

Like… Dude? I get that you’re one more date rejection away from going full fucking incel… but if someone says “Nazis are bad” responding with “Other things are bad, too!” screams “I’m openly defending Nazis.” Shut the fuck up. I wouldn’t necessarily stop going to DnD because of this asshole… but shit like this persists… where he goes borderline Neo-Nazi borderline Incel all the time.... and I will just stop going to Game. I’ll miss it, not having any RPG Tabletop Outlet but… fuck that guy.

And now… to trial.

While I’m there enjoy the following from Cracked:

How Alt-Right Trolls Keep Tricking The Mainstream Media
“On one hand, it’s weird that we’re already buried in coverage of the 2020 presidential campaign. On the other, it feels like Donald Trump has been president for 46 years. Either way, it’s clear we have precious little time to learn the stupid lessons of 2016 if we want to stop things from turning to shit.

Specifically, historians will always remember 2016 as the year that a 4chan meme burst to life and became president of the United States. Fringe right-wing groups on message boards learned how to inject bullshit into the mainstream with stunning efficiency. And it’s time the rest of the world caught on to the scam. Here are three examples of how it works.”

6 Reasons Everyday Life In Ancient Rome Was Totally Insane
“Ancient Romans are often portrayed as civilized folks who occasionally liked to watch slaves get eaten alive by wild animals, then went back to their regular nonviolent lives. But no, Rome’s relationship with elaborate carnage wasn’t a mere fling. It was a torrid, bloodsoaked affair.”

My wife actually has these fragrances!
If you don’t understand the problem with this, please mention it in the notes, and I will calmly explain the issue

How’s this for weird....
in my two trials?
I may have argued well enough to convict both individuals.
But if I were ruling?
First One: Not Guilty
Second One: Guilty

It isn’t often that I rule against myself but then, that’s why I said I was really curious as to what Defense would provide as evidence. State’s case was Eye Witness Testimony. To far too many white Iowan women, one “drunk black guy” looks like any other. In my estimation, the officer did as he was required to do (arrested the individual upon whom the witness made a positive ID) and I did as I am required to do (put all of the evidence we obtained before the judge.) But honestly?

I would have ruled against the state as to the first Defendant and for the state as to the second Defendant.

Tonight? What’s on tap?

I don’t know. Maybe a conversation with my wife? Maybe dinner? Maybe Netflix? Maybe TV? Maybe Video Games? I’m honestly not sure. We’ll see, I suppose.