Identity Issues in Current Events

I keep saying that things have been manifesting in my life. I mentioned that I wanted a companion of sorts in my last entry. One slid into my DMs lol. It’s so weird, he keeps crossing my mind because he is the only person that I miss from social media. I’ve been taking baby steps back into it. Instagram anyway. He messaged me saying that he hadn’t seen anything from me in a long while and had noticed that I deleted absolutely everything. He clearly misses me too. When I asked what he had been up to he told me that he has just been isolating himself from everybody. Then basically asked me to join him because he always wanted to get to know me better. I’ve calculated that a fling would be inevitable. The only thing that weirds me out about that situation is that he is 10 years younger than me. Do I really want to be an otter? In my mind, I don’t want to date somebody 10 years younger than me until they are old enough to date someone 10 years younger than them? I make no sense. I’m open to at least going to his place for some cheap wine and conversation. I’ll tell him the score right away. I’ll make sure that he understands that we are not hooking up… 10 minutes after that he will be on my dick. Naturally.
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Today, I finally got what I wanted. I got to be alone. I did everything that I usually do when I get to be myself. I can even feel the pain from my workout for the first time in forever. However, my depression caught up to me again. It’s been a struggle since Friday. I’m okay, I just worked out some more and danced and sang my heart out. I forgot how it can hit like that out of nowhere. A depression attack? We had a little breakthrough during my last therapy session. We figured out where all my “social anxiety” comes from. It’s so stupid but at least we can start working toward overcoming it. I’m too embarrassed to even bring it up but basically, it’s all the labels that society gives me. I am identified by those labels even though I do not identify myself with those labels. For example, my therapist said that being gay is who I am. I explained to him that being gay is not who I am. I can change who I am but I cannot change that. Being gay is what I am. In my mind, people don’t identify me as a person. They identify me as a gay-person. I could be wrong? That is just one of the many labels that I will have to learn how to process because not everybody has those optics. I just put too much pressure on myself when it comes to living up to these labels and I am trying to understand where my place is in these communities that I don’t associate with and that are attached to them, those labels. (I have a hater on here, a cyberbully and I can’t wait to be torn a new one for this portion of the entry)
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I’m feeling a little shell shocked at the moment from the depression attacks. I can’t even stomach the thought of going into work tomorrow. Or the day after that. Or ever again? I just want to shrink my surroundings, I’m stressed. I just want to hide in bed. Play dead. Honestly, I want to surrender the pain to alcohol and do up some paintings. It’s been a very long time and just I want to get lost in something.
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Last updated February 28, 2019