Totally Avoidable in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Welcome to Wednesday.
My Wednesday originally had 7 things to do on it.
4 of them have been continued.
The remaining were taken by Boss as they relate to his cases.
I only have 1 thing left… a guy from Colorado who keeps making excuses as to why he can’t pay a speeding ticket so he wants to fight it in court but he doesn’t want to actually be here in person to fight it in court so he keeps telling the judge that he can’t be here but he wants to be here in order to fight the ticket so we need to reschedule the hearing so he can actually be here to fight the ticket.

::ugh::

So… I’ll probably be here today just rambling. Saying anything that comes into my head. Describing weekend plans or waxing fantastical about anything from video games to sexual fantasies to comic books. Which is why, ultimately, this is one you can all probably skip with no guilt. Nothing of substance or importance is likely to be said here today.

Because… yeah. Wow. It is 9:00 and I’ve already done all of my work for the day.... and caught up on Prosebox Bookmarks… and read all the BBC Articles I wanted to.... and read all the CNN Articles I wanted to.... and read all the Cracked Articles I wanted to.... and caught up on e-mails.

And so I find my mind taking a walkabout. Considering the scenarios I wish I could simply create into being.

For example… the rest of this week? Most assuredly looks a certain way.
Tonight?
Go home, change clothes, go workout, come home, help make dinner, watch jeopardy, take a shower, go to bed.
Thursday?
Go home, change clothes, help around the house, watch jeopardy, help make dinner, call the pharmacy, watch TV with Wife
Friday?
Go home, change clothes, go workout, go to Hy-Vee, come home, help make dinner, watch jeopardy, maybe play video games and drink.
Saturday?
Sleep in if possible, make breakfast, drive to Des Moines, play Dungeons and Dragons (the game is kind of seriously lagging these days), drive home, go to sleep.
Sunday?
Sleep in if possible, make breakfast, pre-order Mortal Kombat 11, watch Dragon Ball Super, watch Sword Art Online Alicization, maybe play video games.
Then back to work.

That’s… not exactly what I would prefer. And I understand the sentiment “Make the world what you want it to be” but that sentiment glosses over things like patience, resources, and opportunity. I mean “Make the world what you want it to be”.... okay, lets create a world of super heroes with outstanding physical abilities! Oh wait… even though that is technically possible (strangely, it is) that would first require a world where biochemical-tech and wearable-technology were more readily accessible to the general public. Sure we might be able to produce a rig that enhances a person’s arm strength by 900%, but if that rig is cost-prohibitive and impractical.... it’ll never happen.

So… there are things I do wish I could wish into being real or true or practical… but they will always remain fantasy, abstractions, thoughts without form.

Like… I would love to throw myself into CosPlay. I really would. And Wife certainly enjoys it… but as with ALL of her hobbies and interests… she refuses to engage because she’s too hard on herself. Like… we’re both “hard on ourselves” and want to do things well. So I’m not going to do a 230 lb Gray Fullbuster Costume. Just as Wife would drive herself crazy if she tried to do a Mikasa Akerman Costume because she’d spend so much time focusing on getting the hair right. BUT (technically) that shouldn’t stop us from doing other things! Wife could just as easily make a “Survey Corps. Outfit” and I could just as easily go as a short/rounder Eraserhead from Boku No Hero Academia. But we don’t.

And I think a big reason behind that is the big reason behind a lot of things with Wife. She just… doesn’t see the point. (see Circle below)
I want her to embrace her fashion sense, to buy clothes that she likes and that she feels good in, that look good on her… I want her to fully embrace the sense of fashion that she makes her own as fashion can be an excellent way to bolster self-esteem, express yourself, feel sexy, and play with your own established feelings of identity. But when we discuss it? Her response is essentially, “What’s the point? I don’t really go anywhere. There’s rarely a reason to get dressed up for anything. I spend most of my time in sweatpants and a hoodie. So what’s the point?”
I want her to embrace a hobby, any hobby, that she has enjoyed in her past… something that made her smile, that made her feel active, that helped her connect with herself… but there’s always an excuse or some “logical, practical” reason. Tae Kwon Do? No studio worth her time and she doesn’t want to train with little kids. Photography? She doesn’t think she’s good enough, she doesn’t want to do it for a living, and at the end of the day, ‘what’s the point?’ CosPlay and/or Sewing? There aren’t enough times to use it to make it worthwhile, what’s the point?

I mean… she’s filling out an application to volunteer at the Cat Shelter in town, so slowly but surely she is actually deciding to do more than stay home listening to podcasts and playing on her phone.... but the other thing I see is her actively selecting for hobbies/past times that aren’t the ones she had when we were dating and aren’t the ones that can be shared between us. Not that I would ever begrudge her wanting her own thing, Godspeed to that… but it is multilayered.

My hobbies include Video Games, Comic Books, Anime, Manga, Board Games, The News, The Law, Writing.... and it seems at most turns, when I try to invite her into those… it doesn’t exactly work out. Video Games? Once upon a time. She was super into Halo. But now, unless it is Sudoku or some Mobile Phone Game, she can’t be bothered. Comic Books? She had a passing interest but that was never something she was super into… with the exception of Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series. Anime? She’s stubborn and almost bratty. She loves/likes Black Lagoon, Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood, Attack on Titan, My Hero Academia, Ouran Host Club, Agretsuko, Hellsing and Hellsing Ultimate. But whenever I try to introduce her to a new one? She rejects it out of hand. Almost like, “I have things in this world I like. I don’t need anymore, thank you.” Manga? She’s super into Shingeki No Kyojin (Attack on Titan) and used to just rip through the books when I got them for her… but upon her request I got her the most recent Colossal Edition for Christmas and now… 64 days later… she still hasn’t even cracked the cover. Board Games? She’s just not interested. The News? Only if she can have it filtered through Trevor Noah, Seth Myers, Steven Colbert, or John Oliver. The Law? She’s not even interested in my day-to-day stories/how work is going.

So how about growing together through her interests?
Well… right now.... that means
Magnus Archives… which she’ll listen to religiously while I’m at work. OR
Horror Movies… which I get pretty tired of quickly as I have enough true horror in my life between criminals, child abuse, rape cases, and World Affairs.

And that’s it. Everything else we used to share or enjoy together is just… gone, it seems.
OBVIOUSLY this is all part of marriage. People grow, change, alter, become different… part of marriage is reacting to these things intelligently and compassionately so that the marriage grows and accommodates these changes. And that’s just something we have to do. But… we’re not that far away (in fact, we’re already THERE) where if we both said “I want to do something I enjoy”… we’d go to completely different levels of the house, do something by ourselves all day, not see each other for the whole day, and call that good. I don’t want my marriage to be that way. That’s pretty much Shop Vac and I wish to passionately resist! (See Triangle below)

EVERY

FREAKING

TIME

Whenever I let my mind wander without boundaries, whenever I free it to go wherever it wishes… all it takes is me getting into a vehicle and BAM multiverse/time travel/paths not taken/alternate pasts leading to alternate futures… my mind is overrun with these because I allowed my mind to wander. Were I more clever or more well connected… I would turn this oddity into a Comic Book Character. A character whose powers allowed them “unfettered travel” provided they were in a “means of conveyance.” So… you need to get from New York to Wakanda, the team hops in a junked out car; kid concentrates: POW you’re in Wakanda. Or something really heroic… a plane is crashing, a fall that would kill hundreds… Blink could open a portal and try to get people to come through it OR Blink could get The Kid onto the plane, he could use his powers and POW: plane and passengers are on the ground. Or you need to go back in time to stop The Beyonder from meeting Luke Cage… hop in a go-kart and poof 1974. Or you finally captured Sugar Man and want to send him back to the AoA Multiverse? Strap Sugar Man down, have The Kid jump in the Armored Transport; POW- multiverse travel. Because in some ways… that is what it feels like for me.
Step One: Free my mind, allow it to go wherever it wants to
Step Two: Step into a car, step onto a boat, step onto a plance
Step Three: Try to make sense of the images that pop into my head of different paths that my life could have taken, different relationships that could have been fostered, different outcomes that I missed out on (for better or worse.)
every time.

This time it was a glimpse into a world that could have been. I don’t know exactly what would have needed to be different in my life… perhaps if Aku had never happened… perhaps if I’d broken free of my programming at some point… perhaps if I had been smarter, or had more support during the issues with Thompson… perhaps if I’d simply been a less judgmental person.... I don’t know… and I certainly can’t predict how things would have turned out for my present/future with the changes mentioned… but I could see a single year and how it was different. And that is the absolutely bothersome thing about Mind Wandering Multiverse Hoping. I don’t see consequences or lead up. I see “this is how things could have been” and then it is shut off. Then I have to actively, intentionally try to snap my mind back in an effort to rationally and logically attempt to make speculations about things that would have flown from those changes into the present life.

This time it was a What if.... things had gone differently when I first met Shannon? I shan’t go through everything I saw as it would be inappropriate to do so in a single entry. How could someone properly cover 365 days in but one entry? I can share some of the highlights. The following is not what happened in my life. The following is a glimpse of some Other-World, Other-Verse experience… a What Could Have Been that my brain either found or created:

It starts with our first meeting. Having not gone through the bullshit with Thompson, I don’t find myself over-distracted when JYo discusses the new friend that will be driving. I hear about the sexy times, the wild times, the dance times, and the difficult divorce and instead of feeling conflicted, I feel only intrigued. A 25 year old whose lived so much life… someone certainly worth spending time with. The drive to Chicago would be much the same but instead of feeling conflicted, I would simply enjoy the conversation. Instead of feeling “bunched up” I would be more open and joyful in speaking with such a sexually vivacious and interesting young woman. That weekend would have been less me trying to sort through my head and more enjoying the livewire in front of me.

Fast Forward to Christmas

Christmas is strange. Shannon visits me at my place and helps me accept my new limitations. Encourages me out of bed but the relationship isn’t sexual yet as she is still sowing some wild seeds at the clubs. But our conversations have been deep and wonderful and JYo pounced on the opportunity to keep us together in some form. So while Shannon has decided to go to JYo’s Christmas Party, she made certain that I got out of bed and went, too. The new medication had been active for a few weeks and it was time to test out my Sea Legs. When I saw her at my door, my heart stopped… both out of awe at this woman who was my friend and due to the erection springing to life in demanding and obvious ways. Shannon surprised me by not mentioning it. She showed that she was more than her surface persona of Party and Fun and showed genuine concern and picked an outfit for me. She winked and said, “You need to show off that you can be sexy as well as gentlemanly.” The outfit was a good choice; not something I’d usually have the confidence to wear. She walked over to my bed and held out her hand, I tried to act manly and shake it off, and she put her hands on my shoulders to say, “You don’t need to put on airs with me. You’ve told me about the pain, I just want to help.” I grab her hand and get out of bed slowly. The erection is unmistakable and she just kisses me on the cheek and whispers, “Whenever you say go, y’know.”

The week between Christmas and New Years, we see each other every day. A mixture of video games, movies, taking walks… a whole host of activities to test my physical abilities and re-connect person to person. Timidly, I gather the courage to ask her what it would take for a guy to get her all to himself. She tells me that the guy would have to be pretty special. She’d need his entire body at her disposal but she’d want his respect and concern, too. I don’t know if it was a joke, but she mentions something along the lines of “Like what we have but with mind-blowing sex.” I laugh and say, “I’m certainly ready for that.” The genuine note of authenticity in my voice catches her off guard and she stops in her tracks, looking back at me, wondering if I was joking. She decides to ask, “Are you serious? Were you asking because you’d like to try?” I sigh and stare back at her. I muster the courage and say, “This is going to sound lame but… yes. I don’t want to force you to skip a New Year’s Party but I was thinking… with everyone gone that night… I don’t know. Wild sex at midnight into the new year sounds like a fun first time if it can be had.” We plan everything out… the appearance at JYo’s party, driving back, getting condoms, everything.

My brain flashes images of the night… Shannon looking nervous somehow, JYo approaching me asking what is going on, me flustering about in a nervousness at everything acting downright Hugh Grantian. Then a flash of us at the store getting condoms, I grab one box, she encourages me to grab two. Then a flash of us walking up the stairs to my place, her lips on mine, my hands on her legs, so into each other we can barely stand it. Then a flash of us taking turns going down on one another. Then a flash of her putting a condom on me. Then a flash of her riding me, another flash of her riding me reverse, a flash of us in a myriad of positions.... then a flash of us holding each other, breathing heavily, sweating, staying close as the sun rises.

Fast Forward to April

We’re watching Sin City in the theater. We’ve had an excellent few months as an official item. After New Year’s, it was harder for her to become detached from her other guys than she wanted but she finally got to the point where they would still hit her up for One Nighters but she’d just chill and say “No thanks. Got a good thing going.” We were seeing each other several times a week and I felt strongly encouraged… I wasn’t trying to be anything more than what I was, but she made me like what I was was pretty good. We’d dance and drink and fuck and chat and… it felt, honestly, like my first real adult relationship.

That’s what I saw. A world that may have existed… that, if multi-verse theory is true likely does exist somewhere… but a world that I can never, could never, and will never occupy.

The above is shared because it clearly needs to be again and repeatedly.
I constantly hear this comment and YOU KNOW WHAT.... I USED TO SAY IT! True story. I was the guy sitting there at the jail bitching about Burger King wanting $15 an hour to flip burgers while I was only making $10 an hour sitting with child murderers and not having a guard or self-defense training. So… yeah. I was pissed and would say essentially, “Fuck them. I deserve that shit!” But, children, that is the point. It is an OLD and TIRED analogy but it plays true EVERY TIME YOU ANALYZE IT.

The fattest cats hoard the cat food and make the rest of us fight over their scraps.

The above is shared for multiple reasons.

I admit I have friends and colleagues who fly the Flag of the South with Pride. I acknowledge that sometimes my opinions are inflammatory. If you wish to be upset, offended, or hurt… that is not within my power to change, alter, or heal. I can only share with you.

First: People who call this “The Flag of the South” are wrong. The flag you believe stands for the Confederacy is actually either the First Confederate Battle Flag, thus not the flag of the GOVERNMENT or the PEOPLE but a flag whose sole design was to fly DURING A VIOLENT ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES..... or the Navy Confederate Jack, which was used by the confederate navy and again was not the flag of the GOVERNMENT or the PEOPLE but a flag whose sole design was to fly DURING A VIOLENT ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES.

Thus: The people that bitch about how the flag is their heritage so how dare anyone take offense to it? Uhmmm… I could make the same argument about subjugating you bloody colonials and I wouldn’t be upset at your offense. Because guess what.... in the Revolutionary War and the Civil War… people were actively engaged in violent warfare with the United States of America… and in both cases… your ancestors in The South lost and my ancestors from Britain lost. Maybe… I don’t know.... accept that you lost the war, declared peace, and rejoined the Union?

Further: Here is my stance on Confederate Navy Flag as part of a State Flag. I don’t like it… I hate it… I think it sends a stupid fucking message… but I can’t argue with it. Why? Look at the Iowa flag, chief. French as hell. Oh, don’t get me wrong… I’d like to be SUPER against it. To me it is the same thing as declaring war on someone, creating a symbol of that war, losing the war, but demanding to keep the symbol as a big ol’ FUCK YOU to the winning side of that war. That is EXACTLY what the Confederate Navy Jack on a State Flag means. BUT… I can’t thumb my nose at it when the truth is.... the US fought against the French for territory on this continent as well and you don’t see people rushing to change the Iowa flag!
(Please don’t misread.... I understand the Confederate Navy Jack is often a symbol of racism and the French flag is not. I’m not obtuse. But as a white man in the North, that isn’t as much my argument to make; though I will support people who make that argument.)

LASTLY do you know what really chaps my ass when it comes to the use of the Confederate Navy Jack? When these so-called American Patriots wear it. You want to say that you’re a “son of America” and that you’re “proud to be an American?” First step: TAKE OFF THE SYMBOL OF AN ENEMY COUNTRY THAT EXISTED PURELY IN OPPOSITION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! But then… we see the same thing with the Nazi Schwastika, don’t we? THOUSANDS of American Soldiers died fighting against that flag, that ideology, and that regime… and you’re going to say “Support our troops” while you have your arm outstretched towards that fucking flag? SHAME ON YOU.
Many of the anti-immigrant sentiments can be said about these “Proud Southern Boys”, you know. They salute a flag that isn’t American (the Confederate Flag is not the American Flag); they don’t speak English good enough (proof right there as the term is well enough), they don’t embrace our culture (you mean they don’t integrate into a societal majority… like the societal majority that says NO WALL or do you mean the societal majority that DIDN’T vote for Trump?)

(CIRCLE)
One of the things that I understand intellectually but can’t support emotionally is Wife’s absolute refusal of anything that could be considered negligee, nightie, sexy clothing of any kind… she says, “What’s the point?” Her reasoning: what’s the point of wearing something for my husband that says ‘sex time’ when sex time will mean I take the item off?
I already take a lot of shit from women for my response here but I still feel it

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

I just… I can’t even select which point there to disprove first! Chosen at random:
First of all, a lot of sexy clothes don’t have to be removed for sex. And I’m not the kind of guy that has a narrow focus on sexy clothes. A dress, a skirt, stockings, heels, a satin shirt, a sexy cosplay, a teddy, a nightie, sexy underwear, and many other options would do it. A lot of those options are either designed or come in designs that do not need to be removed in order to engage in intercourse.
Second of all, there are entire libraries of psychologists that say “If you dress for your partner, you’ll feel sexy all day” or “If you dress for your partner, it will help put you in the mood” or “If you dress for your partner, the excitement and anticipation grow all day.” In other words… trying to be sexy is sexy and translates into your brain as sexy.
Third of all, discovering what your partner likes and doing it for them is a huge part of service! And this, above all, is where I think the true issues and problems exist. Wife is neither a sexual person nor a person given to much service. She doesn’t spend her time thinking of ways to make other people happy; because she spends her time trying to think about what might make her happy… because she doesn’t know. This complicates things for us in two ways. (1) If she knew what she wanted, she would need nothing but to ask for it and I would do what was within my power to make it a reality. If she said that what really made her happy was to wake up to a 3 course breakfast… I’d make sure she had that at least once a month! If she said it would make her millennia to meet Neil Gaiman in person; I would stalk his twitter feed/homepage until I found a Con or Event where he would be doing signings, and make sure we got there! But as she has no idea what would make her happy… as she has no idea what she wants in life… there seems to be very little I can do aside from encouraging her to just “try things until she finds something she likes”. Which is itself a frustrating process as I am encouraging her and she does very little with that encouragement. (2) If she knew what she liked, she might have the ability or presence of mind to consider other people and what they liked and what they needed. I’m not saying she needs to live for other people… I struggle with that perspective too much already… but actively caring about her husband’s wants/needs/feelings… that’s what I’m talking about. And I’m not discounting that we’ve had sex this month. While that is part of it, there’s more to it. Besides, the sex was mostly “You’ve said we should do this for the past 6 months. I feel like I want to, so we do it.” Which, I would argue, is less “what does my husband need/want?” and more “Okay, I’m in the mood. Make it happen.” So in that way… this idea of “sexy dress” is a surface cover for a deeper issue. The feeling that Wife and I aren’t engaged in a relationship of equals where we both wish to provide for the other… and instead find ourselves in (not surprisingly) the same relationship we’ve been in the whole time.... a relationship where Wife does some things around the house, spends time watching TV with me… and thinks that is what a relationship is.

(TRIANGLE)
“Shop Vac” is a Jonathan Coulton song he made when he was doing Thing a Week with the following lyrics:

We took the freeway out of town
We found a place to settle down
We bought a driveway and a swingset and a dog
You got your very own bathroom
I got my very own workshop in the basement
We sit around staring at the wall-to-wall
Take field trips to our favorite mall
Waiting for the day when all the kids grow up and leave us here

So if you need me
I’ll be downstairs
With the shop vac
You can call but I probably won’t hear you
Because it’s loud with the shop vac on
(For heaven’s sake it’s really loud with the shop vac on)
But you’ll be OK
Cause you’ll be upstairs
With the TV
You can cry and I probably won’t hear you
Because it’s loud with the shop vac on

We hung a flag above the door
Checked out the gourmet grocery store
I bought a mower I can ride around the yard
But we haven’t got real friends
And now even the fake ones have stopped calling
Maybe if you forget to hide the keys
I’ll take a ride to Applebee’s
I’ll come home drunk on daiquiris and throw up on the neighbor’s lawn

If you need me
I’ll be downstairs
With the shop vac
You can call but I probably won’t hear you
Because it’s loud with the shop vac on
(For heaven’s sake it’s really loud with the shop vac on)
But you’ll be OK
Cause you’ll be upstairs
With the TV
You can cry and I probably won’t hear you
Because it’s loud with the shop vac on

I like the Starbucks here that’s better than the other one
Cause the other one’s not as good
They really need to put a light there cause it’s hard to turn
It’s hard to make a left turn
And when it’s time to go to bed
I’m still awake inside my head
I’m floating up above the house and looking down
I guess I gotta go back there
I guess there never was any other answer
And as the freeway hums the cars go by
The headlights roll across the sky
Many miles away and I can see them speeding through the dark

If you need me
I’ll be downstairs
With the shop vac
You can call but I probably won’t hear you
Because it’s loud with the shop vac on
(For heaven’s sake it’s really loud with the shop vac on)
But you’ll be OK
Cause you’ll be upstairs
With the TV
You can cry and I probably won’t hear you
Because it’s loud with the shop vac on

A panel in Boku No Hero Academia had something on it that I think is rather nice and would like to believe is true:

The only people who are ever truly beyond saving are the lazy ones who don’t try and the impatient ones who rush too much.

Other than that… if you’re willing to put the work in, be thorough, and persevere even when things are going slow or get tough? You, too, can accomplish great things.

Also?
Nice!