Or possibly day 1, depending if you count last night.
Well, it's typical, really. Was fine up until lunch time. Had lunch. IBS attack. Not a terrible one but enough to cause significant pain and spoil my enjoyment. Think the potatoes may have been cooked in olive oil. Need to be more careful.
Other then that things are going ok. Can't really talk about the training as it's internal stuff so I'll just say it was interesting enough and I wasn't bored.
Going swimming tonight. Apparently this hotel has a pool and I think it'll be a good mix with the get fit regime. It's open till 9 so that'll give me time for a few laps and then a relax in the jacuzzi. Could be worse.
Personal mood? Not so bad. Feeling better most days. Still lonely some of the time but in a weird way it's making me stronger. I've always closeted myself off from my emotions and writing has always been the outlet. I don't feel closeted this time and I'm still writing. Perhaps this is progress for me. I've been told you learn more from 1 failure than a hundred successes. If this is true I should be a damn savant by now. Think I'm due a success. That being said, I guess the fact I'm feeling more together proves a lot. Getting out of Newcastle and just being myself at work without any obligation TO be myself is helpful. Not sure if that comes across clear but it's the difference between being me because I want to be and being me because it's what everyone expects.
I remember writing an OD article a while back on the subject and it hasn't really changed. I can't remember the exact wording but it was along the line that I wanted people to see me and recognise that this veneer I paste over myself is just a wall to the person I am within but that I put this here, not just to protect myself from being hurt, but because I want to be a stronger person. I suppose, however, you can only do that by opening yourself up to the potential of being hurt. If you keep yourself at arms distance you can't get hurt like that but you never really learn how to deal with it either. So in that regard feeling a little raw around the edges is probably a good thing. I always did think I could stand to be a little more "bolshy" around people. I guess because I have to expend effort and thought trying to be kind I've never really considered that sometimes I have the right to be a dick about things but why shouldn't I? Everyone else, I should get in on the action. Perhaps growing some genuine callous' over my emotional state rather then pretending to have so that people won't see when they hurt me is a better solution. Only one way to find out.
Hmmmm, personal epiphany or mad rant? I'm not sure. I'll let you know how it goes when I figure out how to develop that element of myself more effectively.
Rrrrramblerambleramble.
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