quietly losing sleep in 2019

4:26pm

I know there is no way I’ll have time to finish this before I start to close up the office but I think in my mind if I start I might actually be motivated to finish at some point. =P

I leave here a little early today to go to church and then I’m home for the night. Although who knows. I’ve been going over to the neighbours so much lately! Like I’m surprised they haven’t started locking their door! haha. I hung out with them on Wednesday for the birthday party. Wait…have I mentioned the birthday party?? I don’t think so! Well, I’ll get back to that shortly. So, I went to dinner with them then over to their house that night. Then I was back over there again last night. Plus last Sunday all afternoon.

They’re so dumb too. I told them yesterday, after one of their stupid comments, that I didn’t know why I kept going back there!

2.25.19 - 11:24am
So apparently I started the above entry on Saturday but then I completely forgot about it.
Guess where I ended up? haha! The neighbour sent me a text as I was on my way home from church asking if I wanted a shot. 😆 I told mom about it and because she hadn’t been over there in weeks she decided to surprise them with a visit. It took us a little bit to get over there because we wanted to change and mom made a drink for H. I walked in first and then said I had a surprise for them as mom walked through the door. L was very excited to see her. haha.

We hung out, had our drinks [I took the beer compa gave me], worked on Dev’s new dinosaur puzzle, had some snacks, and eventually mom went home and I stayed later. I must have gotten home at about 11 that night. I don’t even remember what else we did.

Clearly I’m a masochist because even though they’re a bunch of dummies I keep going back.

I was there last night too. hah. Mom made pozole since we had the day off and wanted to share with them. We don’t get to cook much for them right now since we’re so busy. This was the first chance she’s had so we took a pot over after they got home from their outing in the evening. We didn’t think anyone was going to eat so we just took enough for them and were going to go back to eat at home. But once we got there they all ended up eating. 🤦‍♀️

So mom just ended up having her beer and leaving. Earlier in the day she’d had me text el compa [despite my refusal for a reason I’ll mention shortly] to tell him he was invited to eat. He’s been the one to cook most of the food we’ve eaten from the neighbours so it was only fair. I didn’t think he would actually show because I didn’t even give him a time. haha. But as mom was getting ready to leave I heard H yelling “uh oh” from the front room. Their little girl went out to check and sure enough he’d shown up.

Here’s the quick story of what happened between him and I: so on Saturday while I was over I’d sent him a few texts to ask where he was because he was killing our streak [I’d seen him every day since Wednesday] and he never responded. It would have been one quick text but because I was playing with Dev he kept telling me to get off the phone. haha. A little later we were all talking about him and it turns out he wasn’t responding to anyone’s text messages, which of course made me feel better. I mean at least it wasn’t just me he was ignoring!

But if I’m totally honest, that kind of thing still drives me nuts. Like ok fine you’re busy, or sleeping, or whatever. That’s cool. But at some point between Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon you had to have gotten up and looked at your phone and why couldn’t you text me then? Just say you were sleeping/busy/etc. Or tell me to stop being crazy with the texts. hah. I don’t care. Anything so that I know you’re alive and didn’t catch yourself on fire at work.

The real, real truth is that he reminds me a lot of TF and I’m freaken traumatized by that whole thing. Like truly. I hate admitting it but it has affected me in ways I never thought possible and I am working so hard to get myself right again. I’m not there yet though. Not at all.
Then I meet this new guy and he’s so much like him. The way we interact and everything. Such similar communication styles too. So of course I’m making comparisons and my mind is putting things onto this guy that were never his fault. I know he has nothing to do with what happened to me. It’s definitely not fair. And I’m so not doing it on purpose but I can’t seem to help myself. They’re just too similar and I’m having such a hard time separating the two when it comes to my reactions and/or feelings.

Partly I think I’m also enjoying talking to him and hanging out because it’s something I never got to do with TF. I love being able to kick back with a beer with him and just BS. No expectations, no weird tensions, nothing. Just getting to know someone and build a foundation with them. That’s my ultimate goal with anyone ever. Being able to set something up that’s stable to build off of so the entire thing doesn’t end up collapsing [cough TF cough] so I’m really enjoying that, but I am trying to make sure that I can keep the feelings separate. Not let one affect the other. And like I said, that’s been quite difficult. It worries me that I’ll make another mistake.

I’m at this point now where I just want to run away, as I always tend to do. It’s my typical M.O. to want to escape when it gets a little complicated. Not that this particular thing is complicated in real life. It’s only that way in my head right now.

I hardly spoke to him yesterday while he was over. Barely made eye contact. Didn’t really laugh at any of their stupid jokes. Didn’t make any jokes or really say anything sarcastic at all. And then I ended up leaving a few minutes after 8 o’clock, which I think shocked everybody! I can’t remember 1) the last time I went home before el compa when there was work the next day, and 2) the last time I left their house before like 10:30pm. So I guess I can see why they were surprised when I got up, grabbed my box, and said I was leaving. L even tried distracting me about some Oscars thing and I walked back in for like a minute before I said I’d look it up later and walked out the front door.

It was shocking enough to where I ended up getting a text from el compa like 5-10 minutes later asking why I left so early. I don’t know I told him. He also told me to tell my mom thanks for the food because I’d gone home when he got there to bring him more. I was giving him short quick replies, but I honestly found it kinda nice that he was asking about me. Like I think it might have hurt my feelings a little if he hadn’t sent me anything at all, especially after all the ignored messages the night before. I’m totally sentimental like that. heh. 😕

After a bit he sent me another message saying something about how it looked like I wasn’t going to replace him after all. That’s when I told him that I wasn’t feeling up to it. He said it happens to the best of us. I mentioned that the neighbours told me it might be hard to accomplish replacing him since he’s been around so long. So I’m in it for the long haul and going to pace myself. Also that I’d been over there like 5 days in the last week so he didn’t need to worry about my trying.

His response: You got me losing sleep whether or not you’re a suitable candidate 🤔 Except I read it wrong, or missed the subtleties of it, I guess. Because is he saying I’m causing him to lose sleep in general? And what does that mean exactly? haha. 🤷‍♀️
I ended up replying something about being worried because I missed it. Then I said, “it’s really throwing you off that we’re not arguing today huh?” He said Yup but then he must have fallen asleep and stopped responding. Apparently I’m not keeping him up that late. haha.

I don’t know. I think it really was bothering him that I was being so quiet. Which is strange because the other day he was saying stuff about how I’m always arguing with him and Friday night he said he’d argue with me some other time because he really needed to go to bed. So I mean, what am I supposed to do? If I’m sarcastic and joking with my dry sense of humor he says it’s too much. But if I’m quiet and calm that doesn’t work either? Make up your mind dude!

The other part of this story that I haven’t told yet is the fact that I finally took my first round of shots yesterday afternoon. I’ve been procrastinating so hard but I have another doc appointment in a few weeks and definitely need to start. If I didn’t start yesterday then I know it would be like another week before I got a chance. It’s too rushed to try to do it in the mornings and I was afraid on how it would affect me. So I did it in the afternoon and it was weird. I mean, it’s fine but still a little strange to stick a needle into my own thigh. Plus there was so much going on, and I think I got nervous, that I forgot to release my thigh after the needle went in and who knows how much of the medication actually went into my leg. There was a good little puddle spilt on my leg. That was probably a fail for round one. haha.

But I must have gotten enough in there because I was definitely feeling something. And I know it wasn’t just because it was Sunday night and I was tired. I felt like I was gone somewhere else. Like when you’re completely exhausted it’s hard to focus and honestly I wasn’t making the connection to the meds right away. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that’s what it was. That’s why I was so quiet and not sarcastic while I was with the neighbours. I just wasn’t feeling any of it. I guess I know what to expect on those days in the future now. It’ll be just once a week on Sundays. I’ll try to do it first thing in the morning next week though.

Anyway, I’ve been working on this all afternoon and I don’t even know what I’m rambling on about anymore. haha.

I do feel like I should pull away from the neighbours a little bit. I don’t know why. I’ve just been there a lot lately and it feel like maybe it’s too much. I’m not trying to wear out my welcome. haha. Although, it’s true that they’re the ones that keep inviting me. I can’t remember the last time I invited myself over. It’s literally been all them. Mostly texting me randomly to ask if I want a shot. ha.

Here’s the other thing though: I’m not really supposed to drink on these new meds. Yesterday I had a beer before I took it and another one when I went to their house but that’s it. That’s probably the least I’ve had to drink there maybe ever, including work nights! Which I shouldn’t admit. 😬 It is what it is though. Will I have anything to talk about with them if I’m sober? I worry about that. We’ve built our friendship around hanging out and having drinks. What happens if I go over there and don’t drink? Do they just stare at their phones and no one talks? Because they’re bad at that!
I definitely have to cut way back, even if I don’t want to. My liver has been excellent despite my drinking, but I don’t want to end up having issues in the future. I think that’s the biggest thing. They tell you not to drink because the drugs are already strong enough [they’re basically low dose chemo] that they can affect you and adding alcohol isn’t helpful. That’s always something they warn about when you’re on any meds that cause stomach issues. And when I think back on the last time I took these drugs I think I was 100% sober [straightedge haha] so I don’t know if it’ll make a difference. Better keep an eye on it just in case.

Not really sure what I’ve got going on these days. Taking it one day at a time I guess. It’s been a crazy freaken season and I am trying not to think too much about all that I have left. I’m mostly over it already though. That one day off a week that I’m finally getting is not nearly cutting it. I cannot wait until I can sit outside in the sunshine all day long. I had a small taste of that on Sunday and it was pure bliss. I am so excited to be able to get back to that as soon as possible!

I better post this or it’ll sit for another day…or ten.

rose.
9:40pm