2/17/14 in Letters To My Wife

This morning, I was originally only going to write about how much I missed you and missed holding you, but I went and did it again. I did one of those things that has always driven you nuts when I do it. I took sheets out of the dryer and laid them down when I should have just folded them up and put them somewhere until they could be put up. Why is it I always seem to do things like that when things are going good between us? I don't want to make you mad at me, and yet, I always seem to do it. And I knew better. I always do. But whether I get rushed because I am supposed to be somewhere else or because something is happening or just because I really don't stop to think, that is not reason enough to do what I did. At the same time, you do let things get to you very easily. Things that most people would take a breath, address the problem, and move on. But that is a part of you and maybe that is one of the reasons we didn't and could never work. People make mistakes and I make more and more of them the worse I feel. And I always feel worse when I darken your mood. You still love me, at least as a friend, but sometimes, when you get angry, that can be harder and harder to see. After all, you always wanted me to touch you and kiss you and realize how much you love me, but in some ways, the way you would react to laundry or other similar things would make me wary. Honestly, at times, it made me feel how you probably felt when I would not cuddle and kiss and touch and all the things you wanted. Like you, there were times that I forgot that you loved me. The difference always was that all you ever needed to do was ask. Even now, if you asked me, I would take you back in an instant. Honestly, the hardest part of all of this is having to push down my feelings for you. Even now, even when things were at their worst when we were together, you never had to feel alone and unwanted and unloved. I was always there. I always came home. All you ever needed to do was come to me. Instead, you sought out other people. All that energy to find something when all you needed to do was talk to me, ask me. And while I do agree that you should not have had to, that I should have done something about what was causing me to shut myself off, you made it your mission to take me out of your life romantically. Now, you've done that. You don't need me for anything. You want me, but only as a friend. So who do I turn to? When all I want is to kiss you, hold you, love you? I don't have other people to turn to for those feelings, nor do I really want to. I am not saying it will never happen, but at the same time, you cannot be replaced in my heart as easily as you replaced me in yours. And where you could always have come to me for comfort, for affection, for sex, now I can't turn to you for any of those things. I may have closed myself off emotionally at times, but you left me completely outside the walls with no hope of return. That is why I hurt. All I have ever wanted was to love you and to have you love me. The problem with unrequited love is that it is a dead end. I hope some day I can stop feeling like this. Above all, I hope it is because we become one again. Less so, I hope it is because I find a way to feel all those wonderful feelings for someone who will love me in return the way you can't right now and maybe never again. Whatever the case, that will not happen anytime soon. Even if I was surrounded by beautiful women willing to give me everything I ever wanted, unless one of them was you, right now, I would deny it all. As much as I want that feeling of being loved and being wanted, right now, I want you more than comfort. Maybe that will change, but never completely. Some part of that will always be in my heart.