Still depressed over dads death, birthday coming up in Misadventures of West Virginia Woman

Since dad died in December 8th i sleep a lot.. I cry alone in the bedroom. I keep forgetting to eat and if i do i eat to much. I have little energy for arguments or drama i often avoid people. I keep his obituary by my bed and often cry holding it. I just lost my medical insurance so i can find a grief counselor to talk to. I visit my mother 2-3 times a week. She isnt doing much better.

My dad when he was alive worked in his garage a lot. Since dad passed away very little has been moved. My brother took dads overalls out of the garage because he got tired of me holding them crying. I am not allowed a key mom fears i will grieve myself to death in there.

Tom and dad hasnt been close in years.Tom force himself to move in when he got homeless due to being unable to pay rent after dad died. He lives in my moms apartment now using her for food, ride, for her to pay his bills whatever Tom can get. He decided after dad passed away its a great time to move back in and take advantage. I avoid Tom and my sister in law Lesa because i see them steal from mom and lie they never took anything. I am tired of telling mom what they do.. Damn parasites.

My dad often had difficulties with pain. He was very knowledgeable doing repairs, building houses, working in cars etc. I helped him with his repairs a lot.We never always saw eye to eye often argued but i respected and looked up to him. It wasnt until towards end of his life did he really showed me the kindness i craved. I knew it my was in there. I got excited i could have the family i always desired. The last 3 months of his life were my happiest. He treated me really well. I often fantasized him living pain free we could go camping like when i was a kid with the family. I hope he take us to flea market we could do little projects together. I have the dollhouse he built me where i live hoping someday his future grandkids will play with it.
I am here crying under the blankets my beautiful cats cuddling me. I got depressed because i remember dad promising me he would take me to Summersville lake in the spring.. He will never do that again.. Fuck you death for taking him away.

My next day off is my birthday. I will be 32 years old. 2 years ago on my birthday i buried my friend Cassie Meador. She died of an aneurysm while pregnant with her son. Every year i cut her a small piece of cake for her memory.. Maybe this year i could cut another piece for dad. I think this year i am bringing dad flowers to his grave. God i hope dad knows i loved him.

I start working at Ollies on the 27th. I put a 2 week notice in for Dollar General on the 20th. I think Talan will be at work on my birthday. Maybe i should reschedule for warmer months.. I would love to have a pucnic. If i am alone i am going window shopping after all i am to poor to afford nice things.

I keep waiting for the spring hoping it will be happier.. I need out of this depression.