2/16/2014 in Letters To My Wife

So I am sitting here in our room while you are out in the dining room. There was a time we would have spent a night like tonight together watching some show or another. I miss those days. Almost as much as I miss you. Because even though we see each other every day, I almost have forgotten what it feels like to be able to pull you into my arms just because I want to and kiss you. And I know that alot of that is my own fault. I did not do it enough. I made you feel uninteresting and unloved and unappreciated and like you were not attractive. I wish you could have read my mind and my heart all those times and realized how I saw you and how I have felt about you from the moment we met. You are my one. You always have been and sometimes, I was so wrapped in my own depression and despair that I leaned too heavily on you for my happiness. I forgot that you needed that same confirmation from me. I wish I could go back and get the help then that I am attempting to get now. Maybe it would have made the difference. Maybe this was always the way that things were meant to be though. I don't know. What I do know is that every waking hour is spent thinking about you and even my nights, which used to be so empty as I slept, are full of visions of you and what I have lost. I wish I had taken you in my arms and kissed you the way you always deserved every night and every day. I wish I had given you that pleasure I always got just from being in your presence. Honestly, that is why I watch the videos we made together now. Yes, part of it is because I miss the sex and everything that we used to do together. But mostly, it is because I miss us. I miss how, even though these videos were made for someone else, I can still feel the passion and the love you felt for me and I have always felt for you. It is so hard now because all I want to do is everything you always wanted of me that I wasted my time missing. And I realize that I most likely will never get that back. Especially now when you are with someone else. And I know you want me to be happy. After all, we are still best friends. There isn't anyone who knows me better than you and there isn't anyone who could ever know you better than me. The problem is, and I know this for a fact, there is nobody who will ever be able to love you as much as I do. The sad fact is, I don't know if it will ever fade away or change enough for me to feel like this about someone else. That scares me because I want nothing more than to be the most loving, loyal boyfriend/fiance/husband for somebody. The biggest problem is that I want that somebody to be you and I really don't know that that will ever change. Knowing you how I do, I feel pretty certain that it won't because you just don't love me like that anymore and you are not one to look back or change your mind when you have made it. I just wish this was the one thing you would not close your heart to because I am the man you have loved and I find it hard to believe that all of that can just go away without you hating me. At this point, we have a little over a year to find out what there is between us and I hope you will never discount the possibility that you can feel love for me again. I do know that the most important thing to do first is take care of myself though. First, my mind, then school. When it is all said and done, I hope that I can be the man that you always hoped I would be and, with luck, that is enough to make you want me back. Until then, I guess we shall see what passes. I just hope that one day, my dreams come true again and we are cuddling together in this bed, kinda watching some show, and me being able to kiss you and touch you the way I always wish I would have touched you when you were my wife, my world, my everything. Until that day, all I want is your happiness above all. Be happy and keep being you. You are more wonderful, more beautiful, and more perfect than you give yourself credit for. I know you don't want me to put you on a pedestal given the situation, but, while I will guard it, there will always be a pedestal where you stand in my heart. And yes, I know you are not perfect, but to me, you are my one and only. My sun and stars. My heart. My everything. And, in one way or another no matter what you think or feel, you always have been and you always will be. I love you more than you ever knew or know or could know.