"The cold never bothered me anyway!" in Life as I know it...

It's 19:30pm and the brutal sun is just about to turn in for the night, thank God. It hasn't been this hot in a long time, it reminds me of being in a 45C (115F) kitchen with no aircon during season time. Today was one of the less pleasant days I've had as of late, physically and emotionally. I was anxious for the majority of the day, because I didn't know if I was going to train in this heat, even though I was supposed to. I swam for quite a bit, but my mind was still agonizing over it. Eventually I said f**k it and trained, not a very pleasant experience. It was that whole feeling of gasping for air, but all I was able to suck in was this hot air. I congratulated myself afterwards and tried to accept my own compliment. The obsessing is poking it's ugly head out more and more, which is a bit nerve-wracking, because it feels like it's an unstoppable force at times. I'm obsessing more and more about what I'm eating and started counting everything again. I need this to stop, I cannot go through it again. It's made even more difficult by not having things to do to fill my day and I've still got approximately a week and a half to go before work starts again, another thing that I am very anxious about now.

I keep freaking out that I might have "lost my touch" due to not making or practicing anything for the last almost 2 weeks. Additionally, I am also freaking about whether I will be able to use my own recipes for some of the items which are recipes I've spent quite a bit of time perfecting. For instance, the choux pastry. A lot of people make choux pastry by just using water flour, butter and eggs, but the authentic French recipe is different. It contains milk, sugar and salt in addition to the flour, water, butter and eggs. It gives the pastry a much better crust and it looks a lot better, especially if you use an eggwash of cream and eggs. I hope I can use this recipe. I'm also freaking out about whether I will be able to do my training and eat correctly once I start working again. At my previous job, we were supposed to get 30 minutes off for every 8 hours you worked, but that never happened and there was never time to eat anything. I would usually just come back home and fall asleep, because I didn't have any energy for other things, let alone training. I don't want to lose the hard work that I have done.

All of this has been going through my mind lately, as well as some serious sadness and heartbreak. I've been thinking about Caroline a lot lately and it's not doing me any good. Songs that have a connotation to her keep popping up in my mind and I have to fight back the tears. My overactive mind is starting to kick my ass due to all this free time and solitude. Haven't heard from my "best friend" in over a week. I saw her new profile pic on Facebook and she's dyed her hair blonde and it seems she is starting to turn back into her previous, not so pleasant, self who she's spent so long trying to get rid of. I have spoken about this "stepping stone" role in previous entries, where it seems as if I am only good enough to people when things are not going so well and that as soon as they're feeling well again, I'm not good enough anymore. It seems to have become a pattern. I might be acting very passive-aggressively, but I don't want to talk to her at all and I'm feeling quite hurt and angry about it. At times I do want to send her a text saying "So I guess I'm not good enough again now that you're feeling all good?", but I've restrained myself from doing so. If she has turned back to her dark side, she is likely to assault me with verbal abuse and cut my sensitive heart with a knife by doing so.

I've been trying really hard lately to stop all these negative thoughts and redirect my attention, but there's only so many times and so many things I can direct it to. Redirecting it through inflaming my sensitive body issues again is no good either. I need to get away from frequently looking in any reflective surface, judging myself, putting myself down and criticizing myself. I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm going to ask her if I can maybe go on an increased dosage of one of the medications or temporarily get something else to help me out until work starts, because I'm struggling on my own. Where does all this crap stem from? Where did it start? I know I've always been a very anxious person. Ever since I could remember, even in kindergarten.

Goodie, the sun has just set. I think I might go for a swim and hopefully it will start to cool down. The WWE Elimination Chamber Pay-per-View is next Sunday where all the plans for Wrestlemania XXX will start unfolding. I am praying that the creative team hasn't fucked things up like they have been doing for the last 6 months. I just don't understand it. If I operated a company where my clients shouted what they want at me multiple times a week, then I would listen to it, but no, they just keep bringing back these old-ass "part-timers" who were big back in the day and neglecting, holding back and pretty much crapping on the current roster. They're last Pay-per-View, the Royal Rumble, which is an enormous marquee event and one of the most anticipated of any year, was booed to hell and customers demanded refunds. If they screw things up again, I think I might have to stop watching WWE for my own health and just watch Ring of Honor. A monopoly is no good for anyone, except the few sitting at the top, rolling in the hard earned cash of millions worldwide.

Have a lovely day everyone.

Adriaan.