Off the beaten path in New Chapter

I woke up to what I thought was a dead Celine, but after letting it sit for a few minutes, she started right up. It’s weird and is great for a big bout of anxiety right away in the morning. :P whispers to himself I love my life. I love my life. I love my life.

The interview went really well! We had thirty minutes scheduled and ended up talking for almost two and a half hours. I’m overqualified for the position and she seemed confused why I would want this job. Ummm, have you heard of MONEY? Anyways, I looked pretty good from what the internet and partners told me. It was really comforting to hear that considering how low my self-esteem and sense of self worth has been lately. My partner reminded me that I’m more than what I contribute to capitalism, and that was also a welcome reminder! I’ve applied for anything I can see, jobs that are super unvegan and would hurt my heart but would pay some bills. To be honest, I don’t know have a realistic idea of when I could get into regular housing again, even with a job. I’ll be able to save if I keep up the van thing, but deposits/first month/last month rents are going to be astronomical. Blech. Although, I could invest in Celine to make my life more comfortable. Things like leisure batteries, solar power, mobile wifi…I wouldn’t need to be reliant on spending my days and nights at Starbucks, it would just be nice to have access to my Xbox and laptop outside business hours, in the comfort of my home. Oh! And to have a little more space to have partners over. The partner I moved out here with and used to spend nights with me in the van hasn’t since the move, but I do get to spend a night here and there with my other partner, so those are treasured. The van does comfortably fit two people in the bed and I’ll tell you what, it has seen more than it’s fair share of a’rocking too.

Mostly I’m lonely. Partner 1 (here to fore known as P1) has had a lot going on with her other partners, new partners, and work, so I’ve only been able to see her sporadically and when I have, I’ve felt like she’s distracted and not really there. I understand the ebb and flow of relationships, sometimes you have to give more, sometimes you have to take more. I’m hoping that I get to spend more time with P1, but with all her other partners and potential new partners, it doesn’t seem like there’s much time left for me. shrugs I’m trying not to think about it too much, because it rips my stomach out from the bottom. I’ll jump at the opportunities I do get and hopefully get a taste of human connection. sigh I’ll talk to her about it and see if there’s anything we can do about it. She’s apologized for being neglectful and not there, so I know she’s partially aware of it.

I’m in a low point of my depression and I’m just trying to make it to the end of the day. I’m back in survival mode and I hate it. I’m not doing very well and I’m hurting. I want to be touched and held, I feel starved for physical touch. And I’ve slipped far enough where I’m spending a significant amount of my energy trying to drown out that babbling brook of malice and malignancy, the one that tells me I’m alone, that it’s not ever going to get better, that I’d be better off dead. I’m trying to stay on top of this. I’m not in any danger, I still feel the radiant heat of my stubborn lifeforce, I don’t want to harm myself. I’m unhappy and in pain and I’m fighting old demons in a new place. I feel like I’m less of a person and that troubles me.

I’ve applied to everything I’ve come across on the online job boards and now it’s time for some escapism. Oh, which reminds me, they finally made the captures available for easy download, which means I can share them on my IG. I’m back on FB in a very limited capacity, mostly for the meme group I’m in. I don’t know folks. Things are all a jumble and there’s still so much to say, there’s always more to say. I need to figure out how to work these spigots of vulnerability and creativity.

Adieu for now.