Roller West Coaster in The Road Ahead

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears…

Things are strange. Celine, my van and home, died on me two weeks ago. Got the alternator and battery replaced, things seemed okay at first. Then four days later, I wake up to a dead Celine again. I text my partner that she’s dead again, and Celine came ROARING back to life. Then yesterday, I wake up to a dead Celine, again. After several hours and a jump later, she’s back on her legs, for how long, nobody knows. If it was just my car, that would be one thing. I could Uber/Lyft/Walk/Public Transit pretty much anywhere I need to go, but Celine is also where I call home. So when she’s broken down, I’m T R A P P E D. And that is my least favorite feeling in the whole fucking world. Not knowing when Celine is going to be dead again makes me feel T R A P P E D. I need to get into regular housing again, STAT. I’m finding it harder to be a person and harder to find my worth the longer I spend in there.

The flakiness of people continues to be supremely irritating to my soft, tender skin. I made a real connection with someone right before we both moved out of Illinois and it felt AMAZING to have a friend again. We laughed, we cried, we shared, we cared for and about each other. It was the type of instant connection that you feel squarely in your chest, the type of connection that takes a pry bar to your guard and tears it wide open and suddenly you are so undeniably ALIVE. And then we both moved, to opposite sides of the country, and it was just me again. My partners are amazing and support me in so many ways. They’re both wonderful beyond words and I’m so grateful for both of them.

But I could really use someone to geek out with that understands why Magic is so great or doesn’t mind picking up a controller to conquer some co-op or smoke weed with or even, dare I say, be vegan with? It’s hard being the only person who sees things the way i do. That the world should and could be much kinder, that animals are living, breathing beings with feelings and emotions and have every right to be here as we do. It’s hard when your partners think that you’re “naive” to think animals don’t deserve to be born into slavery and imprisonment and that things could be better. I’ve talked to a lot of people since I’ve come out here, and they’re all just flaky as fuck. It’d be great to make one friend out here that can keep a plan. I just want to be a nerd with another nerd and I don’t know why it’s so hard to find friends as an adult.

I’m done bitching for now. I was up at 8 am this morning and am not sure I’d do it again. I do have an interview later, so hopefully it goes well and I can get my foot in the door somewhere and start making my own money again. Theres so much I’d like to do and see that I can’t right now. I’m the least amount of person I can possibly be right now. Maslow hierarchy is barely filling in the basics and I’m craving so much more. Doing my best to not let myself get down the slippery slope of depression. Be kind to yourselves out there.