BellLetsTalk has me thinking.

I’ve suffered with major depression for as long as I can remember and for good reason: child abuse which led to #cutting #homelessness & many #suicide attempts as well as the loss of several friends to suicide (one of which was one of my best friends and roommate at the time) and now I’m facing life threatening illnesses.

My pets throughout the years have helped me tremendously with my mental illness.

Speaking of homelessness… I was homeless for 4.5 years of my life (Non-consecutively). I never did drugs, smoked cigarettes or drank etc.. I was just a victim of circumstance.

I was homeless in Boston in the winter as a teenager trying to escape child abuse. I slept in open graves in cemeteries to shield myself from the wind during winter storms when I was out there. Frostbite & hypothermia were a constant threat as I often ran away hastily with nothing but the clothes on my back (no jacket).

This obviously isn’t me as a 14 or 15 year old but it is representative of my life. After a fight (getting beat up by my stepfather) I’d run away. 4 to 5 miles from home, there was a cemetery and I would crawl into an open grave during snowstorms to try and protect myself. It wasn’t covered like this though, this is nicer than what I used which was just a six foot rectangular dirt hole fully exposed to the elements.

I was homeless in South Florida in the summer, having difficulty breathing in the heat, humidity & thousands of mosquitoes attacking me all night long. Sometimes I slept in the woods. It was dangerous because of the insects mostly, one time I got bit by a brown recluse spider, nearly died that night.

This is one of the places I slept. It was a haunted location in the woods, so very few people ever went there. You can even see an ‘orb’ in the photo… even though I was lonely; I was never really alone here.

(Another actual picture of one of the times I was homeless in Florida (working & going to school full time & extremely sick with ulcerative colitis)). Looking at these pics, it feels like it was just yesterday. I remember every minute detail of these exact moments; every emotion, everything that was happening.

I was abused by police. I was homeless and dealing with chronic and severe ulcerative colitis, bleeding internally (and externally). I was homeless, dealing with ulcerative colitis and going to college full time as well as working full time throughout most of it.

Two pictures of me working on a tv series while I was homeless. No one knew. This is also what happens when people don’t get paid a living wage.

All just trying to make a life for myself… which never happened because with no health insurance for 22 years, my health continued to deteriorate to the point where it is now (I nearly died 3x last year) and I’m currently undergoing chemo for my disease. And this just barely scratches the surface.

The point is… I’m still here, thanks to friends, pets, and pursuing my passions in life (my work) #filmmaking #writing & #photography. I’m still fighting, still surviving and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m tired, I want to give up, but I also want to live.

So to all of you out there going through your own shit, you’re not alone. Talk with someone. If I’m still alive… there’s no reason you can’t be here with me.

To learn more about my struggles: THIS IS ME

Last updated January 31, 2019