Sleep deprived. in Since OD is shutting down....

I am just so tired. By the end of the week, I am just exhausted and this week it's worse because I have to work tomorrow so that means tonight is my only night off for the week. I made a lot of money Wednesday night or so I thought until I walked into work yesterday and my manager reminds me of the $40 I forgot to give her back for change so I had to make that up last night and ended up only making an extra $30 so I put in gas and still had to pay on my chair with my bank card. Sometimes I get so frustrated with money and feel like I am never going to get caught up because I got ripped off by my parents.

My Mother sent me a text Wednesday night saying that she just realized that I didn't pay the car insurance when I told her numerous times that I couldn't afford to and then she fires back saying that she paid mine for years (it was $20/month) and wanted to fight with me so because I was already having a hard night because my favorite co-workers husband got 2 of his fingerprints amputated due to an accident at work and that girl I was going to date ended up not respecting my boundaries so for my Mother to just get ahold of me to bitch because I stopped paying for their vehicles to be insured made me realize that I needed to change my number and make it so she can't reach me because every time she does, it's never anything positive or anything I want to deal with or hear about.

So, things didn't work out with that girl like I had hoped. She became very possessive and jealous in a matter of 6 days and that was another reason why I changed my number. I also blocked her from Facebook and deleted the dating app where I met her. I was concerned with her saying she was going to get her schedule switched so that we could spend our days off together, she wanted me home right when I was scheduled to get off (which never happens) and then when I told her honestly that I felt things were going too fast, she got really distant and wasn't as sweet or caring anymore which told me that she wanted things to get as extreme as I thought they were and I'm just not interested. I can't handle going from one relationship where the person didn't give 2 shits about me to someone who is up my ass with a fucking broom, it just doesn't work and I can't make such an adjustment.

I think I'm walking a fine line between depression and sleep deprivation, which I think can feel pretty similar. I love being busy, doing productive things for my future, earning money and being around other people but I am just sooooooo tired all the time. I just hate feeling so wiped out. I worked until midnight last night and I did NOT want to get up today. It sucked horribly. I didn't want to go to my class but it's the type of class that you have to go or else you won't be able to keep up with everything. I will have to miss next Friday because of my court date but I'm not even entirely sure if I am gonna go or not because I don't think I'll have hardly anyone to come along and even if I win, the guy isn't going to pay me jack shit. I know that if I don't go then I will have wasted all that money to file the lawsuit and this is the only chance I will ever get to confront him and get answers as to why shit went down like it did.

I am just so tired. I am currently babysitting until tomorrow morning. I know that I said I was done with that crap but I'm babysitting for someone who hasn't ever given me a reason to say no, paid upfront in cash and will be here by 7am which means I plan to go back to bed for awhile because I don't work until 5pm tomorrow evening.

A friend from work came over for awhile and really helped me understand things with my ex. This is the first time I've not used alcohol, drugs or some kind of chemical to ease my hurt. I remember being so loaded on pills after my fiancee and I split up that I didn't feel anything, even after I stopped using drugs. I just remember being on meth for about 4 months and then realizing one morning that I didn't need it anymore. I remember not feeling anything other than ok and started living life again. I just never went through a break up without using some kind of chemical to make me alright again. I also asked her about what he said to me after I sucked him off and she said it's just his way of being in control knowing that he can get away with saying that to me knowing how much I care for him. She's right and he always had serious control tactics with me because he didn't have control anywhere else in his life other than with me. It's just horrible to think that because he got hurt that he felt so damn justified to hurt me and for no reason.

I know that at some point I will be completely okay and start living life to the fullest accepting the situation for what it is and realizing that not only do I deserve better but that us breaking us is giving me the chance to find it. I still miss him but am so angry for the way he treated me and the mess he left behind. Everyone tells me that I didn't deserve any of it but here I sit with the broken heart wondering when this pain is EVER going to stop. It's the heartache that just doesn't quit.

Anyway, I am now sitting here with frost in my hair and need to go wash it out and start getting ready for bed. I'll try and write more tomorrow before work. I am so glad that I get to be there tomorrow and Sunday but incredibly tired so I'm looking forward to going back to bed once the kids get picked up. I plan on sleeping until she text me waking me up. I am just so tired and feel like I'm never going to catch up on sleep. It gets frustrating walking around like a drone.