Powerlessness in Meeting Mr. Jesus Christ

To have my will be God's perfect and holy will is my goal. To surrender the struggle to have life turn as I would, to accept how incredibly powerless I am, utterly turning everything over to the Lord, that is showing my faith. It brings me peace. His peace.

Blue was re-admitted to the hospital today, eventually into the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit and has been back in surgery for the better part of two hours. He is in the best possible care he can have and I find myself praying more than ever, harder if one can pray harder, that he has truly accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior.

My realization is nothing else matters, that Salvation is the bottom line. Blue has professed his faith in Christ and I'm self-righteous enough to wonder, "is it enough?" This pushes me to new places with my faith and can only be good, but like many things which are good it hurts so bad getting there. The old saying if you pray why worry, if you worry why pray. I'm praying, still I have fears. The fear I feel is for Blue's soul, my prayer is he has given it to Christ. My prayer for me is I mind my own life with Christ better.

I don't fully understand what has happened. Blue started retaining fluid a few days ago. Early this morning his blood pressure dropped dangerously low. The fluid started building up around his heart more than normal necessitating surgery again. I've not had a chance to speak with the doctor or surgeon, everything moved too fast. The surgeon decided just after nine P.M. to take him back into surgery and didn't have time to call me. The nurse was only able to tell me the general reasons and doesn't know what unit Blue will be on after the surgery is complete.

It seems I've played a game of hide and seek all day, tracking him from the rehab hospital to the emergency room, to CCU, to surgery and now a dark feeling limbo. I sent Sis a few texts to keep her up to date and we hope that the surgeon will call tonight, once this episode is done. The nurse said she's not sure with it being so late the doctor will call, word might not come until morning.

"Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them. For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So then death is working in us, but life in you.

And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,” we also believe and therefore speak, knowing that He who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise us up with Jesus, and will present us with you. For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4

EDIT 2:05 AM. Praises to the Lord, Blue lived through surgery, had to be put on a ventilator for a few hours. It was just removed and he is able to breath on his own. A lot of fluid was taken out of him and he now has a chest tube drain and is catheterized. He was given medication for the pain and to help him sleep. Thank you sweet Jesus for your tender mercies.