OD entry 3/26/06 in Open diary entries

because i need a laugh.
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a condom?”

Donald frowned and said “No.”

Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex.

“Maybe they sell them at the front desk,” she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

“Yes, we do,” the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, “Would you like me to put that on your bill?

“No!” Donald quacked, “What kind of a friggen’ pervert do you think I am?”

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help & she could see why.

Even with her pulling & him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked & sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face & scream, ” Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off & he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace & courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”

Her trial starts next month.

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along

with her.

When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!” I said, “Great. Tell me what you’re so happy about.”

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”

Then, she said “Oh, honey. There’s more.” I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?” She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said…..

(You’re going to love this!)

“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.

“Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’ ” She saw a sea of

blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

“Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good!” apprised the teacher. “Now, who said, “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?”

Again, no response except from Pedro: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history

than you do!”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans!” “Who said that?” she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.” The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Pedro answered, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!”

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!”

Pedro whispered, “Saddam Hussein, 2003.”

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted “Duck”!

Teacher asked “Who said that?

Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006