Start with a Dream in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Last night I had a strange combination of a dream. Typically, if I wake up remembering a dream… I remember all of it clearly for at least an hour before it starts fading in my head. This morning wasn’t that way. I woke up and immediately felt the dream slipping from my mind. From what I can remember, the dream is/was a combination of True History, Television Tropes, and Imagination.

I was back in High School and I had met this wonderful girl. Athletic, long blond hair, intelligent and kind of shy. Not many people in the school even really knew her or noticed her. But I was quickly smitten and we started hanging out together more. Until one morning, I was told that she had died. Some reports said she had died of an illness, some reports said she had been hit by a truck while bicycling; all reports confirmed that she had died. I was devastated. I rode my bike along the familiar paths to honor and remember her… when I saw something that wasn’t usually there. It was a simple piece of cloth or an article of clothing; nothing all together unusual about it, but I knew it was hers and I knew it hadn’t been there previously. I convinced myself that she was still alive. I started obsessing over it; checking every aspect of cyber space. Until I got a message. From her. The date and time stamp were wonky. It was from the 22nd Month on the 36th Day of the 19th year (so no help) and it told me that a note had been slipped in my locker to explain everything. I started to panic as I didn’t really use my locker. I had a vague recollection of where it was, Locker 538, but I didn’t remember the combination. I began walking toward my locker through the common area. The bell rang and the halls became chaos. I had to move in line with the others and take long ways through the hallways to try to get to the hallway that had my locker. Occasionally, I was all but certain I saw her in the mass of people, but I couldn’t disengage myself from the thronging hordes. The bell rang again and all the hallway fillers disappeared into classrooms, leaving me to figure out where I was and how far from my locker I might be. Then I woke up.

That being said, I find that I am still considerably tired this morning. The weather hasn’t helped. Extreme brutal cold. I woke up at 2:45, 3:48, 6:00, and got out of bed at 7:00… so not exactly restful sleep.

That being said the drive to work was a might tougher than it should have been. Roads are clear so that wasn’t the issue. Issue was we’re looking at sub zero temperatures and I want to go back to sleep. Sitting at the desk as I am right now and writing motions and petitions; that feeling only increases.

That being said, I am trying to march on through my list of To Do. My “By 9:30” tasks have all been completed by 9:00. I have a strong feeling that my “By Noon” tasks will all be completed by 10:00. Meaning I can likely get my “By end of day” tasks done either before, during, or shortly after lunch.

Not to mention the E-Mails. I… may have stepped in it. I’m trying to take care of a stupid bullshit case strategically. I have offered the Most Guilty Party a fucking sweetheart deal while not discussing my plans with the co-defendants. They won’t flip, so I’m not inclined to help ease their anxiety. Thing is… one of the attorneys is really feeding in to that anxiety and really wants to know what we’re planning. I shouldn’t have said anything but… if I can get Dumbass McAngry Fucker to take the plea… his client gets everything she asked for. But I can’t do any of that unless/until Dumbass McAngry Fucker realizes that taking the sweetheart deal is a better decision than fighting the entire case at every turn.

Despite productivity, still sleepy.

Oh, holy Hera!

Just saw a batch of videos (because with a dynamic background and diverse group of friends, my Social Media is just as quick to show me Liberal Videos I disagree with as Conservative Videos I disagree with) and… I had to comment on Facebook about this because “I can’t even.”

The videos often depicted White Men saying “My country is the least racist country of all” Whether that country was the U.S., Canada, the U.K., Australia… white men claiming that they don’t see racism, it must not be around. WRONG, you bloody tit. Think in terms of statistical averages! Let’s say I see black men only in the gym… so I only see them 3 days a week for about an hour. 3 hours a week, in a week that is 168 hours long. I get to experience 1% of their entire week with them. If I don’t see them being treated with racism during the 1% of the week I share with them… that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen during the 99% of their lives I’m nowhere near them. So, I shared the following:

“Inspired by too many videos I’ve seen recently:
If you are a man, you cannot state that Women are not discriminated against.
If you are white, you cannot state that POC are not discriminated against.

This is not because of demonizing White Men. This is because we can only ever truly speak about what we experience. Imagine the offensively misplaced hubris if I said “Black women are never discriminated against.” Because honestly: HOW WOULD I KNOW? I don’t see it in my daily life, true. But just because I don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. It would be far more intelligent and compassionate to listen to someone whose life experiences ARE THAT of a woman or POC since they are (as a statistical obvious) far more likely to know what happens/goes on to women or POC than I am!”

Now, I didn’t say this on Social Media, yet (I imagine I may have to) but I would argue that the reverse is also true. I don’t think it is at all fair for a woman to characterize what a man goes through in his life because she’s not the one living it. I appreciate that she can pinpoint differences in their experience… if he is making more money doing the same job, call it out… if his ideas are given more weight than yours simply due to his gender, call it out. BUT don’t sit there thinking, “Irritating Sod. Goes home, doesn’t have any worries, just glides through life on his White Privilege.” Because there are some who are in danger of adopting that mentality and I can’t urge you enough NOT TO DO THAT. For a number of reasons but let’s jump to my personal favorite: Some things in this world are invisible.

You may be angry and think that Chad lives the high life enjoying his every moment because of his White Male Privilege. But you don’t know if Chad may be in excruciating pain battling something you don’t see, don’t experience, and can’t know about. You don’t know if Chad is battling crippling depression, and is hiding a desperate desire to kill himself. You don’t know if Chad is struggling with his gender identity and, though he may not share it with others, he desperately wishes he could live as a woman.

And that’s the point. It is so easy for people to say, “If I don’t see it, if I don’t live it, if it isn’t part of my life… it doesn’t exist, isn’t a problem, or doesn’t matter.” And no matter who you are or what your circumstances? That simply isn’t true.

Sometimes my job frustration becomes job sadness. Not like the previous two jobs. I still love what I do, I still feel like I am working in the correct county, that isn’t what I mean.

I mean… seeing people break the law, hurt others, and not be held accountable? That creates frustration and sadness.

For example, dude sexually assaults an 11 year old and a 13 year old? You would expect the judge to hold him in jail. She released him. That creates frustration and sadness.

So it creates a dichotomy when the Supreme Court for Professional Ethics steps up and punishes an Attorney more harshly. The same day that a judge releases a sex offender; the SCPE censures an attorney prohibiting him from the practice of law “Indefinitely; with no possibility of reinstatement for no less than 1 year.” That guy stole his co-worker’s underwear and stalked his co-worker. So… stealing underwear and stalking… will ruin your career. Sexually assaulting children; you get to go right home. Dichotomy.

Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

It looks like I’ll be required to put on a trial where the witness will not be cooperating. It is in these moments where Domestic Violence cases bloody well piss me off!

He spends his life beating her senseless. She gets mad enough to respond. They both call the police over the violence. Now neither of them want to own up to anything. Madame, you attacked your abuser with a weapon. I am offering you the chance to say “Yes, this happened” and then we give you protection. Sir, you beat your victim to the point of diagnosed mental trauma. I am offering you a chance to avoid prison. BUT NOooOOoo. She won’t leave her meth dealer, she likes the free meth for sex plan. And if she won’t leave him, she certainly won’t help get him convicted. Fucking… GR. GR. Because it is a waste of my time, a waste of resources, but something I strongly feel I am ethically obligated to do. I can’t just dismiss the cases because the abused party won’t help. I have a duty to try to protect her and other women from this brutally violent person. I’ll fail. I get it. And knowing I’ll fail pisses me off; but I have to try.

So… I’m a bit… not fuming but… “displeased” all over. The Domestic Assault Case(s), the Child Sexual Assault Cases, the 30 trials I have in the next 4 weeks… it is kind of seeping in. Add that to the fact that we have a potentially important Counseling Session tomorrow?

I am a bit worried. I talked to Wife about what I want to accomplish. She cried. She was shaking during the conversation. She says she totally understands, and totally gets where I’m coming from and she honestly has no idea what happened or what is wrong. And that, I think, is the deep crux… the deep wound in her life right now. She continues to live in a state of uncertainty and she doesn’t actively shake that up enough. I know it can be scary… but watching your entire existence fly by not ever doing anything is scarier. Don’t know what you want to do for a living? Try whatever you can. Want a hobby but not sure what speaks to you? Start trying different ones until something jumps out and says JOY! Being uncertain and deciding not to try anything “until you’ve figured it out” just leaves you in a stalemate. So for me, my marriage, and my wife… I have my fingers crossed and have high hopes for tomorrow. After that, we pick up our Home Theater System and set it up!! Video Games, Movies, Anime here I come!

I also have a Shave and a Haircut scheduled for tomorrow. My hair is ridiculously long and unruly. So that has to get cut NO DOUBT. Where I am doubting is the shave. Clearly, I want to get my face hair cleaned up, trimmed, made to look better. But originally, I was thinking of getting it all shaved off. But whenever I shave my face.... I feel like I look like a Fat Lesbian. So, I’m considering just leaving the goatee bit.

YOU ARE BEING REQUESTED TO WEIGH IN What do you think, looking at the following pictures:

Thank Jehova for some good news. Turns out the State Attorney General will help me in a messy kiddie diddler case. GOOD. We need to protect the state’s children and between you and me? I’m far more likely to take/make a shitty deal. The AG’s Office handles a handful of important matters. I handle all the matters assigned to me. So I’m far more likely to say “How can I get rid of this?” because I’ve got 359 cases that are also needing my attention. SO… GOOD! Good news!